Post by Ampersand on Jul 26, 2021 17:55:58 GMT
The dark of the Colosseum is troubled immediately by the rhythmic thump of bass, percussion, and guitar. Voices swell along in chorus to the pulse of the lights that burble through the blackness like a heat lighting in the belly of a storm cloud.
Across the screen flash images of the Ascended Gladiators. We see the Insensate emerging from the shadows backstage as if he were an extension of them instead of merely hidden by them, unknown intent gleaming in his eyes. Jimmy Allen, in his cowboy boots, jeans, and pearl-snap shirt, stands in stark relief against the neon rush of Seattle’s busy downtown nightlife; a wild west cosmonaut in an alien urban landscape.
For an instant, we see Kyle Beckett framed by the Brisbane skyline. The footage blinks to black, and when it resolves again, he’s standing in the same position, but with Seattle’s cityscape behind him, Columbia Center taking the place of Brisbane’s Skytower.
SKUP9 is seen removing a name tag from his shirt, giving it a little smirk before tossing it over his shoulder, then drawing back a fist and punching the camera, causing a burst of white on the screen. As it fades, we see David O’Toole sprinting and springing along brutalist angles of Freeway Park, traversing its concrete corners as if the rules of physics forgot about him.
The camera sweeps across the Ascended Army amassed for Collision as the house lights in the Colosseum go up, a few signs catching the viewer’s attention.
The view pans over to the commentator’s table where Hiro Suzuki, Del Ramos, and Artemis Direction are seated. Adjusting his spectacles, Hiro beams at the viewers at home.
Hiro Suzuki: Hello, Ascended Army! Welcome to our second edition of Collision! I’m Hiro Suzuki, and with me today on commentary are Artemis Direction--
Artemis blows a kiss at the camera.
Hiro Suzuki: --and Del Ramos!
Del Ramos: I’m amazed, Suzuki. You’ve spoken more than three words without me feeling the need to feed you still fully conscious into a wood chipper.
Artemis Direction: A banner day in the Colosseum, to be sure! And for more reasons than that, darlings. We’ve got quite a card lined up for you all! Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will be changing our main event for the evening. Our new main event will be The Insensate vs. Biff Jerky! Kicking things off, we have David O’Toole making his pro-wrestling debut!
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I hear he did some brawling before coming here. That reminds me - what do a boxer and a comedian both have in common?
Del Ramos: ...And, my Fargo-inspired fantasies return.
Hiro Suzuki: They both need a good punchline!
Artemis Direction: Our second fight has a new roster member who’s all the way from another continent!
Del Ramos: Beckett’s got a hardcore attitude. Leaving behind everything and everyone back home to come somewhere totally new to bust heads? Fucking brutal!
Hiro Suzuki: I’m curious about the guy with the admirable beard.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9?
Hiro Suzuki: Yeah! I want to see what someone nicknamed, ‘The Eliminator,’ is going to bring to the table.
Del Ramos: If it’s not viciousness and viscera, I’m not interested. I know the next guy’s got some violence running through his veins, though.
Artemis Direction: Jimmy Allen is a part of a pro-wrestling family, so I’m sure he’ll be showing us his chops. But the fight that comes after that? Our main event? The Insensate’s an unknown quantity.
Hiro shudders.
Hiro Suzuki: Well, if he’s a student of Lang’s, I’m sure he’s going to show us something awful.
Del Ramos: I think you mean awesome. If he’s as into inflicting pain as she is, that match is going to be killer.
Hiro Suzuki: He’s got it out for at least three of the members on the roster, though it sounds like no one’s been able to figure out why. Silvio Leon will be joining us for commentary on that match!
Artemis Direction: And it looks like we’re about to get things started!
Kevin Kim: Welcome to your first match of Collision, Ascended Army!
A cheer goes up from the crowd!
Kevin Kim: This fight is a standard rules singles match set for one fall! Already in the ring is Beef Squat Thrust! And his opponent!
As the dramatic string introduction of, ‘I’m Shipping Up to Boston,’ by the Dropkick Murphys kicks in, the lights around the Titan-tron pulse green and gold in time with the beat. The screen shows an overhead view of an industrial district, hanging in mid-air for a moment before diving down to the alleys below to show gritty images of hands being taped up, quick footwork of fighters wearing work boots instead of ring boots, and blood spattering against brick walls.
Kevin Kim: From Astoria, Oregon, weighing in at 190 pounds, they call him the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Dressed in plain black ring pants without design or decor, black ring boots, and an army green hoodie, David O’Toole steps out of the entrance, pausing for a moment at the top of the ramp before making his way to the ring, his steps purposeful. Popping to his feet after sliding in under the bottom rope, he tosses his hoodie aside before rolling his shoulders and bouncing lightly from foot to foot.
Squat Thrust growls, prowling tensely back and forth, eyes intense. David remains light on his feet, mirroring his opponent’s movements. O’Toole dances in close, tempting Squat Thrust into making a swing at him only to weave away. Annoyed, Beef lunges again, but his moves are clumsily telegraphed. It gives David ample opportunity to not only circle outside of his opponent’s grasp, but to swing around and land a quick chop across his back! Beef staggers and whips around only to meet O’Toole, still taking advantage of his momentum, who hits him with a lariat! Squat Thrust hits the canvas and O’Toole goes for a pin, Jill Kincaid starting the count!
1!
2--
Kick out from Squat Thrust!
Artemis Direction: The size difference between these two is pretty significant. Small wonder O’Toole’s doing what he can to stay out of his opponent’s range.
Del Ramos: Seems like a hit-and-run fighter. That has the potential to get nasty when you’re getting in any shot you can. It’s a cross between a war of attrition and a surgical strike. A death from a thousand cuts or one decisive stab; just depends on what opportunities the fight gives you.
Squat Thrust gets to his feet, teeth set and eyes seething. O’Toole remains light on his feet, hands raised more like a boxer than a wrestler. He tries to bait his opponent into over reaching again, but Beef feints, making David lose his footing! It’s only a moment, but that’s all it takes for Squat Thrust to grab hold of him and slam him down with a quick hip toss! David writhes in pain on the mat for a moment before Beef grabs him by the throat and drags him to his feet with one hand, getting in a few quick gut shots at him with his free one. Still dazed, O’Toole can’t stop Squat Thrust from whipping him into the ropes! As he rebounds back, O’Toole’s opponent hits him with a brutal shoulder check that sends the smaller man to the mat! Beef goes for a pin!
1!
2!
Kick out from O’Toole!
Hiro Suzuki: O’Toole will not stay down!
Del Ramos: It’s that scrapper’s background. O’Toole’s playing to his strengths - toughness and agility. From the look of it, this guy’s not going to be hitting like a freight train, but if he plays his cards right, he doesn’t have to.
Hiro Suzuki: You know, a friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by train.
Del’s eyes narrow and they begin to growl low in their throat.
Hiro Suzuki: It was an ex-press train!
O’Toole isn’t quite as nimble as before, clearly sore from the hits. He seems to have learned his lesson, though, a new steeliness in his expression as he tightens up his form. Beef makes another lunge that David meets with a shockingly fast super kick! Staggered, O’Toole’s opponent takes a step back as David closes the distance between them! Turning, he starts to set up for a snapmare, but Squat Thrust isn’t having it! As David tries to pull him forward, Beef resists, catching hold of O’Toole’s tights and flipping him over his shoulder. Instead of eating canvas, though, David lands on his feet! Before Squat Thrust realizes he’s still in peril, O’Toole makes a running start at the ropes behind him, bouncing off the second and performing a lionsault on the bigger man! Unprepared, Beef hits the mat! David seizes Squat Thrust’s arm, wrenching it back in a Fujiwara armbar that makes the big man cry out in pain.
Artemis Direction: O’Toole locking in the Tinker’s Ratchet!
Jill Kincaid kneels, checking in with the fighters. David’s teeth are clenched and he’s pulling with all his might! With nowhere to go, Squat Thrust taps out!
Kevin Kim: And your winner by submission, the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Artemis Direction: Well, I’d say that our Sidewinder here is adapting quickly!
Hiro Suzuki: Did you see that armbar? Absolutely cold-blooded of him!
Del Ramos: We’re going to be hearing snake puns whenever this guy comes out, aren’t we?
Hiro Suzuki: What’s the problem? Snake puns are hiss-terical!
Del Ramos: Maybe I’ll ask Beckett if he has any venomous ones you can try them out on. Guy’s from Australia. Half the wildlife there can kill you by accident and the other half does it on purpose. They have fucking spider rain there! How metal is that?!
Hiro blanches.
Hiro Suzuki: It rains…spiders?
Del Ramos: And fucking birds apparently. There’s a whole season where magpies are just out for blood.
Hiro Suzuki: You said, ‘spider rain,’ and I’m still trying to cope with that.
Kevin Kim: This fight is a standard rules singles match scheduled for one fall! In the ring with referee Godric Smith is Buck Fruckster! And now approaching the ring, his challenger! From Brisbane, Australia weighing in at 201 pounds, he is the Culture Clash, KYLE BECKETT!
‘Stick to Your Guns,’ by the Sick Puppies comes on over the sound system and Kyle stands at the top of the entrance ramp, bent slightly forward and arms crossed. He drops the hood of his jacket and throws his arms out wide, letting out an excited roar to the crowd. He looks around to take in the arena before striding down the ramp. He ascends on to the ring apron, looking out to the arena again with a sly grin on his face and climbs to the top of the turnbuckle where he cries out “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!,” to which the crowd responds, ‘Oi, Oi, Oi!’ before leaping down to the ring and preparing himself for the match.
The two competitors begin circling each other, each looking for an opening. Beckett’s the first on the attack, stepping in and tying up with Fruckster!
Artemis Direction: I dearly wish Buck would do something about that facial hair. It’s simply atrocious.
Del Ramos: Looks like Beckett’s eager to take control of this fight. He mentioned in his promo he had a lot to prove; that this is about fulfilling a legacy. That’s gotta be some skull-crushing pressure.
Almost as if he can hear Del’s remarks, Kyle’s footing falters, Fruckster overpowering him and shoving the smaller man into a corner. Slamming him into the turnbuckle, he steps back, shaking his head with a laugh. Scowling, Kyle flies from his spot against the turnbuckle, going on the offensive! The pair lock up again, this time Fruckster disdainfully shoving the younger man to the mat!
Artemis Direction: Oh, come now, there’s no call for that sort of disrespect!
Hiro Suzuki: Fruckster doesn’t look like he’s even going to let him keep his footing. You know, for the longest time I couldn’t figure out how I tripped after coming across the remains of this tree. I was stumped!
Del Ramos: You keep reminding me of that wood chipper, and it ain’t wise on your part, Suzuki.
Buck circles the young man, beckoning for him to rise mockingly. Kyle stays on the mat for a moment seeming to favor the arm he fell on. As Fruckster gets in closer, however, his opponent pops up to his feet, catching hold of the bigger man with one hand before hitting him with a European uppercut! Staggered by the unexpected hit, Buck is left open for Kyle to start laying in with a series of rapid forearm strikes before he whips his opponent into the ropes! As a stunned Fruckster is sent flying back at Beckett, Kyle sends him slamming back to the canvas with a calf kick!
Del Ramos: Oh ho! Tricky little fucker, ain’t he?
Hiro nods sagely.
Hiro Suzuki: Ah, yes! Beckett offers us a rare insight into the behaviors of the Himalayan possum.
Del Ramos: Himalayan?
Hiro Suzuki: Well, we did see Himalayan in the middle of the ring!
Del Ramos: I’m going to scoop your eyeballs out with a melon baller once we get back to catering.
Fruckster gets to his feet, looking incensed that he allowed himself to be fooled by Beckett’s ruse as the young man mimics Buck’s own mocking taunt for him to rise. As soon as Buck gets to his feet, Kyle goes for a super kick! Incandescent with anger, Fruckster catches his opponent’s foot, throwing it back down. Undaunted, Kyle uses the momentum to let his foot swing backward, dropping down his opposite hand on the mat and swinging his foot back up again, nailing Fruckster in the face with an enzuigiri and landing in a crouch!
Artemis Direction: The Kick that Defines a Generation! Good instinct! Instead of trying to fight against his opponent’s brute force, he’s using it! And so flashy, as well. This kid’s got some style.
Del Ramos: That’s not easy to do. You have to be confident in your ability to control your momentum and adapt to whatever’s thrown at you. It’s like you said, Artemis - either it’s an inborn instinct or something this kid’s worked hard to cultivate.
Kyle’s on his feet first, Buck following with a grimace on his reddened face. He makes a swing at his opponent, but Beckett side steps before positioning himself behind Fruckster. He slings one of Buck’s arms over his shoulders before reaching down and placing one arm around Fruckster’s waist, while the other goes under his leg. Spinning 180 degrees, Kyle falls backward, slamming Buck right on his back in his Turn of the Century finisher! His opponent stunned, Beckett goes for the pin, referee Godric Smith sliding in for the count!
1!
2!
3!
Kevin Kim: Here is your winner, the Culture Clash KYLE BECKETT!
Kyle’s arm is raised in victory as the Ascended Army roars its approval!
Artemis Direction: Nicely done! Beckett really turned things around in that fight.
Del Ramos: Wasn’t sure about him at first, but I think he’s got something brutal deep inside.
Hiro Suzuki: Kyle gets it! It’s like in stand-up. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try...and try again!
Artemis Direction: ...And you’ve succeeded after all those tries?
Hiro Suzuki: ...Well, you know, it’s like the saying goes! Fall down…
Hiro pauses, eyes drifting upward briefly as he appears to be considering something, counting off on his fingers and mouthing calculations.
Hiro Suzuki: ...sixty times, get up sixty-one!
Artemis Direction: And with that extremely sad ratio, we take you backstage with Kevin Kim and Mara Lang for Gimmick Infringement!
We’re taken backstage in front of shimmering gold curtains bearing the Ascended Wrestling logo, where Kevin Kim stands, microphone in hand, next to one Mara Lang. He grins, a stark juxtaposition to the rather severe woman beside him.
Kevin Kim: Hello and welcome to Gimmick Infringement: Special Edition! You’re joining us directly from Ascended Wrestling, where I’m with Mara Lang, two weeks after her sweeping victory over the surprisingly-still-alive Buck Fruckster. Mara, how are you feeling about your first steps into Ascended’s ranks with such a solid victory under your belt?
He points the head of the mic to Mara.
Mara Lang: Motivated. Fruckster was a fine start, but I’m looking forward to facing off against more...interesting opponents. Ones that can help me further my research.
Kevin Kim: Seems like a strange place for science. I suppose there really are no frontiers when it comes to the pursuit of knowledge! What can you share with us about your ‘research’?
Mara Lang: Of course. As I said in my previous promo video, I consider research into sensation to be of the utmost importance to understanding who we are as human beings. We are our nervous systems. To better understand how to control that system is to better understand ourselves. To gather the necessary data for my research, I’ve had to engage in this...less orthodox methodology. But if we can control our senses, then we can control our very souls. I think my Insensate is a triumph in this regard. Or he will be before much longer.
Kevin Kim: Sounds uhh… complicated. That’s definitely one way to think of a person--nerve spaghetti and meatballs. Ahem... speaking of nerves, are you concerned about facing down anyone on our growing roster? Anyone you’re looking forward to running up against?
Mara shrugs.
Mara Lang: I’m unconcerned with facing anyone as far as winning or losing goes. It’s all the same to me. I get valuable data in either scenario.
She smiles.
Mara Lang: However I must say I’m rather intrigued by Zephyr Quinn. Her capacity for doling out and enduring pain is impressive. I’d like to see just how impressive it really is. And that’s to say nothing of our resident Lab Rat King. Clearly someone else has been working on him and I’m curious to see what exactly they intended. The jellified blood, the high pain tolerance, the extreme strength and unnatural anatomy...it’s all fascinating to me. I’d honestly love a conversation with whomever it was that augmented him, but for now I’ll settle for testing the goods, as it were.
She looks into the camera with a little smirk.
Mara Lang: I’ll be sure to publish the findings, should the creator ever decide to reach out to me.
Kevin Kim: Hooookay! Well, that sounds illegal. Before we delve in any further and get this podcast on an FBI watchlist, what are your hopes for your protege of sorts, the Insensate? He seems to have some ideas of his own regarding certain members of our roster. Are we maybe looking at conflicting agendas?
Mara smiles like a cat who caught the canary.
Mara Lang: My Insensate and I are of the same mind. I’d never dream of trying to clip his wings at this point. The greatest joy and anxiety any creator has is seeing their creation unleashed into the wide world, and I’d never do so unless I felt he was ready. Should he wish to challenge the Lab Rat King before I get a chance, I’ve no issue with it. Indeed, I would give my Insensate the world if only to see what he’d do with it. Any real teacher’s goal should be the same - to see their student succeed them.
Kevin Kim: Well, with that cryptic and foreboding answer, I think it’s time to pursue my own greatest joy and anxiety by physically moving away from you. Back to our commentary table!
Hiro’s complexion is the color of spoiled milk.
Hiro Suzuki: Are we positive we want that lady on the roster?
Del is grinning.
Del Ramos: Hell yeah, we are! Are you kidding me? That bitch with her ability to dole out pain against the muzzled lunatic of God’s creation and the Queen of Calamity? Sign me the fuck up!
Artemis Direction: Something tells me the Lab Rat King wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to hear her waxing poetic about his...condition. To say nothing of Ms. Quinn.
Hiro Suzuki: After seeing what she did to Squat Thrust in our last show, I wouldn’t be too eager to jump into the ring with her.
Del Ramos: That’s because you don’t get it, Suzuki. The pain isn’t a byproduct of conquest. It’s the means and the end. She can do whatever she wants to with the ‘data’ she’s collecting. I just want to watch when she’s collecting it.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, talking about all of this science stuff reminds me of my girlfriend! She’s like the square root of -100!
Artemis Direction: Oh, yes?
Hiro Suzuki: Yep! She’s a solid 10!
Artemis Direction: And like the square root of -100, is she also imaginary?
Hiro Suzuki: …
Both of the other commentators gaze at him expectantly.
Hiro Suzuki: ...Yes.
The arena's lights snuff out as a distant voice proclaims:
A chorus of violins and organs rise in the darkness, and the voice speaks again.
Bass and drums reverberate through the speakers, filling the arena. A spotlight kicks in on stage and reveals the hulking silhouette of a man standing before the entrance.
Kevin Kim: On his way to the ring, weighing in at 369 lbs... from Grand Junction, Colorado... he is The Eliminator, SKUP9!
The lights flare up and The Eliminator's hands fly into the air. He treads down to the ring with thundering steps, casting a hard gaze across the crowd. Most of the audience shy from his stare. At the ringside, one step takes SKUP9 to the apron, and another takes him over and inside, where he stretches in his corner with eyes locked on his opponent.
Hiro Suzuki: That definitely is some impressive facial hair.
Del Ramos: You definitely can’t shut up about it.
Hiro Suzuki: What? I’d grow a beard like that if I could! Sadly, I am at the shallow end of the facial hair gene pool. Hey, Artemis, do you know where the man with the beard keeps his facial hair clippings?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, where?
Hiro Suzuki: In his shaving account!
Immediately, McLargehuge and SKUP9 lock up in the centre of the ring. Big as Big is, he seems to have met his match in size, and with a mighty shove SKUP9 throws McLargehuge into the corner flat on his back! SKUP9's boots shake the ring as he strides over and plants one sole on the McLargehuge in a Foot Choke! The Referee's count comes moments after!
One! Two! Three! Four!
Artemis Direction: It’s hard to believe, but it looks like we found someone who can rival McLargehuge in stature and power! That’s got to be a bit of a shock for him, I imagine.
Del grins, their eyes bright.
Del Ramos: I fucking hope so. There’s nothing more brutal than having the whole concept of your identity challenged in a public space.
SKUP9 pulls his boot up and backs away at the four count while McLargehuge staggers to his feet. With a cry of fury, McLargehuge rushes SKUP9 with a Clothesline - only to be checked full-stop by a Shoulder Block from SKUP9 and flung right back to the mat! SKUP9 reaches down, pulls McLargehuge back to his feet, and leans to scoop his opponent onto his shoulders while McLargehuge is still reeling.
Hiro Suzuki: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone just manhandle McLargehuge like that before!
Artemis Direction: Don’t speak too soon, darling - I think Big has had enough!
Then McLargehuge lands a powerful Double Axe Handle to the upper back of SKUP9, and SKUP9 drops his opponent back onto his feet! McLargehuge quickly wraps his arms around SKUP9's waist and spins behind him - prepped for a German Suplex! SKUP9 struggles against McLargehuge's grip, but McLargehuge's form is locked tight!
Del Ramos: Oooh this is going to be good!
As McLargehuge braces to slam his opponent behind him, SKUP9 raises his palms high on his chest and brings them full-force onto McLargehuge's interlocked hands - and breaks the grapple! McLargehuge stumbles back in astonishment. The iron is hot - and SKUP9 strikes, turning to face McLargehuge, then hoisting him high into the air for a powerful Choke Slam! While McLargehuge clutches at his throat, SKUP9 pulls his opponent's legs up, bracing McLargehuge's feet against his own thighs. SKUP9’s face shows little effort as he begins to spin, swinging McLargehuge around like an olympian at the hammer throw!
Hiro Suzuki: Oh boy I’m dizzy just watching that!
When SKUP9 finally releases, McLargehuge flies out of the ring, clattering to the floor beside the skirt! McLargehuge rolls to a dead stop on his stomach, clutching his head. It's clear he has no intention of getting up anytime soon - and the referee's count begins!
Del lets out a manic cackle, grinning fit to split their face.
Del Ramos: AHAHAHA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
The rest of the Ascended Army appears to agree, a chant of, ‘HO-LY SHIT!’ rising from the throng.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!
Kevin Kim: Your winner by countout, “The Eliminator”, SKUP9!
Del Ramos: FUCK YES! I fucking live for this!
Artemis shakes her head, fanning herself with one hand.
Artemis Direction: Well, I think it’s safe to say that SKUP9 has established himself as a force to be reckoned with!
Del Ramos: I think we should give him and the escaped lab experiment a couple of dudes to shot put and see how far they can throw ‘em.
Hiro Suzuki: I suppose that could be an interesting way to qualify someone for a title match…
Del Ramos: Fuck a title match! I just want to see these guys make the world believe a man can fly! And land! And lose about half their teeth! FUCK! That’s how we’ll figure out who wins! We’ll see which motherfucker has the fewest teeth after they get their ass thrown across the Colosseum! Whoever threw that motherfucker claims victory!
Both Hiro and Artemis look at one another, then scoot a few inches away from Del.
Hiro clears his throat before speaking again.
Hiro Suzuki: For our next match, we have a third generation pro-wrestler on our roster making his debut at Ascended!
Artemis Direction: Oh, and he’s such a sweet puppy! Those eyes, that hair? He’s is about as close to a Botticelli’s angel as I’ve ever seen!
Del Ramos: You looking to recruit for your drag show?
Artemis Direction: Del, darling, I wouldn’t dream of imposing! But if Mr. Allen would care to share his radiance, well, I’ve an audience who certainly wouldn’t be opposed...
Kevin Kim: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with referee Godric Smith is Brick Hardcheese! And his opponent!
Contrasting the previous fighters, no pyro or special effects heralds this wrestler; just the haunting, wandering strains of Seattle’s own Foo Fighters’ ‘The Pretender,’ bouncing around the Colosseum.
As the percussion kicks in, Jimmy Allen makes his way out onto the stage, arms extended, hands balled into a fist over his head. He looks out over the crowd and smiles as he crosses them into an “X”, the crowd pops as he rushes toward the ring. At the last possible moment, he leaps up and deftly baseball slides under the bottom rope towards the center of the ring. He pops back to his feet and goes to the nearest turnbuckle, where he repeats his pose from the ramp before leaping off into a backward flip back towards the center of the ring.
Kevin Kim: From Dallas, Texas, weighing in at 246 pounds, he is The Catalyst, JIMMY ALLEN!
Artemis Direction: You see? Style! The gentleman knows how to make an entrance.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, what does it mean when a cowboy finds a horse walking around without its horse shoes?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, what does it mean?
Del Ramos: You know, if you don’t talk to him or look at him, he’ll probably go away.
Hiro Suzuki: It means it’s walking around in its horse socks!
Del Ramos: Honestly, have we tried T-Rex rules? Just don’t move and maybe he won’t be able to see us. Either that or get a T-Rex to just eat him.
Del considers this.
Del Ramos: ...I mean, we could get a T-Rex…
Jimmy makes the first move, driving a stiff punch into Brick, followed by a kick to the mid-section that sends the man staggering toward the corner of the ring!
Hiro Suzuki: Allen immediately taking control of this fight’s narrative!
Artemis Direction: Given his pedigree, I’d expect nothing less.
Del appears to be looking something up on their phone, muttering to themselves.
Del Ramos: Hmm...I guess it’d qualify as an exotic animal…
Brick ducks under a swing by Jimmy, catching a hold of his arm and whipping him into the ropes, trying to give himself some breathing room. Instead of bouncing off and back toward his opponent, however, Allen moves with the momentum, catching hold of the ropes and flipping backward over them to land on the outside apron! Before Hardcheese can react, Jimmy has hopped up onto the top rope, taking his opponent out a moment later with a springboard dropkick! The crowd cheers as Allen gets back up, moving lightly from one foot to the other, watching as his opponent tries to do the same.
Del Ramos: Goddamnit they’re out of dinosaurs.
Hiro and Artemis glance at one another, then back at Del.
Hiro Suzuki: Who’s out of dinosaurs?
Del Ramos: The world, apparently! All I want is one freakin’ T-Rex but I guess that’s too much to ask for. I figured by this point some billionaire asshole would have resurrected them with the unholy confluence of science, witchcraft, death metal, and capitalism, but no! I guess riding rocket dicks to technically outer space is more important than bringing back the closest fucking thing we’ll ever get to dragons!
They pause, considering.
Del Ramos: ...Hey, wait, we know a billionaire asshole…
Back in the ring, Hardcheese is seething, he and Jimmy stalking around each other like wolves. They step in toward one another, locking up and trading holds before Brick gets in a quick knee to Allen’s mid-section! He folds inward, Hardcheese locking his arm around Jimmy’s neck and hitting him with a DDT before making a pin! Referee Godric Smith hits the canvas beside them!
1!
2!
Kick out from Allen!
Artemis Direction: Looks like Brick’s finally getting a few shots of his own in!
Hiro Suzuki: Del, Marcus would never sink a bunch of money into cloning dinosaurs!
Del just gives Hiro a look.
Hiro Suzuki: ...Okay, you’re right, he definitely would, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea! They had a whole series of movies about why it’s a terrible idea!
Del Ramos: Were we watching the same movies because everything in them shows why it would be metal as fuck to bring back dinosaurs!
Still on the mat, Brick seizes Allen’s arm, wrenching it back in a chicken wing! Jimmy cries out in pain, expression melting into a grimace as Smith checks in with him. Allen shakes his head, grunting as he slides a knee beneath himself, braces with his free arm, and with a concentrated effort, flips his opponent over, breaking free of the hold!
Artemis Direction: Allen not losing his cool and being deliberate with his actions!
Del Ramos: I’m just saying if you’re a billionaire, what could be a better flex?
Hiro Suzuki: Than bringing back dinosaurs!?
Del Ramos: Just, picture this. I’m a billionaire going to the billionaire meetings where they use their workforce as furniture and have Twitter fuck bois cleaning their boots with their tongues. They’re all pissed off that I’m late because we can’t hunt people for sport until everybody’s there because, y’know, etiquette, when they suddenly hear this thunder of footsteps approaching. They rush to the front lawn, monocles shattering as they see me coming up the drive riding a giant goddamn apex predator chicken from the Cretaceous period wearing a top hat! ‘Sorry, guys, I got stuck in traffic, but you know, who gives a shit when you’re riding THE KING OF THE THUNDER LIZARDS!’ Their dicks would instantly become innies out of the force of sheer envy!
Hiro Suzuki: Who’s wearing the top hat? You or the T-Rex?
Del Ramos: YES!
Back in the ring both competitors begin to rise! Jimmy’s on his feet first, getting a running start and looking to perform a shining wizard on Brick, who’s still getting to his feet. As Allen brings his leg up, however, it’s caught by his opponent! The whole thing looks like a set up, though, as Jimmy uses his free leg to deliver a roundhouse kick to the back of his competitor’s head!
Hiro Suzuki: He calls that one the Deterrent!
Artemis Direction: Seems like Allen’s ready to put Brick away!
His opponent writhing on the mat clutching his head, Allen points to the nearest turnbuckle and begins to ascend! Hardcheese doesn’t have time to recover before Jimmy comes flying off the top turnbuckle, connecting with a stunning shooting star fist drop!
Del Ramos: And that’s the Devolve!
Referee Smith is on the canvas again!
1!
2!
3!
Kevin Kim: Your winner, The Catalyst, JIMMY ALLEN!
The Ascended Army makes some noise as Allen’s arm is raised, chants of, ‘THAT WAS AWESOME!’ following the blue-eyed victor’s exit from the ring.
Artemis Direction: Well, I’d say that Mr. Allen is a worthy successor to the family business!
Hiro Suzuki: What a show! So far we’ve had a back alley brawler showing us his ingenuity and grit, a kid who came from all the way across the world making his mark on a new town, a man who can give our biggest monsters a run for their money, and a third generation wrestler showing us he’s worthy of taking up the mantle while making it his own!
Del Ramos: So far so good, but if you ask me, the most metal match is coming up next.
Artemis Direction: Moving on to our main event of the evening, we’re going to have my darling child Silvio Leon joining us for commentary!
Silvio makes his way to the commentary desk, waving to fans and offering some fist bumps and high fives as he goes. Having a seat beside Artemis, he pulls on a headset with a smile, greeting the other commentators.
Hiro Suzuki: Congrats on your win last week!
Silvio Leon: Thanks! And thanks for having me.
Del Ramos: Sounds like the masked guy is calling you out, kid. What’d you do? Murder? Blackmail? Extortion? Glitter bomb?
Silvio Leon: Honestly, I got no clue why this guy has beef. The only time anyone ever seems to see him is either by video or when he comes out to work in the ring, so trying to talk this out with him has been a no-go. I figure now’s as good a time as any to see what he’s about.
Artemis Direction: Well, darling, keep your eyes peeled, because here he comes.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, this is your main event of the evening! This fight is a standard rules singles match scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with me is Biff Jerky! His opponent, now coming to the ring accompanied by Mara Lang, he is from parts unknown, THE INSENSATE!
The eerie piano opening of “The Experiment” plays as a massive tank is wheeled out onto the entrance ramp. As the lyrics begin, Mara Lang steps out from behind the tank, her face covered by a blank, white mask. The tank hisses as Mara steps in front, the first thing the Insensate sees and the last before his senses are assaulted by the sudden stimulation from the noise of the crowd. With one last look at Mara, The Insensate moves to the ring and climbs in.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, Artemis, do you know what kind of make-up the Insensate wears?
Artemis Direction: No, darling, what kind?
Hiro Suzuki: Mask-ara!
Del Ramos: I wonder if Lang has a ball-gag hiding in that tank I could borrow.
Silvio Leon: Looks like Biff’s not wasting a second.
Biff launches himself at The Insensate, only for the Insensate to show off his speed and duck underneath a massive clothesline! The Insensate runs the ropes and rebounds, hitting Biff with a calf kick! The big man staggers backwards and The Insensate takes advantage, delivering a stiff roundhouse kick to the gut of Biff Jerky! He doubles over and The Insensate makes him pay by delivering a knee right to the bridge of Biff’s nose!
Del Ramos: Ohhh I think I like this guy.
Artemis Direction: Oof…that’s a bout of rhinoplasty that’s going to hit Biff right in the bank account.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, did you know what the right eye said to the left eye?
Silvio Leon: Nah, dude, lay it on me.
Hiro Suzuki: Between you and me, something smells!
Pointedly ignoring Hiro, Del’s grin broadens.
Del Ramos: Looks like we haven’t even seen the extent of our masked-man’s mean streak!
Biff takes a knee, placing his hand on the mat. Again, The Insensate makes him pay by stomping on his hand! Biff grunts in pain but The Insensate isn’t done there as he pivots the foot on Biff’s hand and grabs Biff’s opposite arm, bending it backwards! Biff howls and The Insensate grab’s Biff’s hand, wrenching the hand backwards by the fingers and holding Biff there!
Silvio Leon: Jesus-! The Insensate proving you don’t need to pulverize someone to get the job done. Sometimes focusing on those more delicate joints will work even better.
Del Ramos: Ahaha yes! YES!
Hiro Suzuki: If he keeps going like that, the Insensate’s not going to be able to claim solo credit if he wins this fight!
Artemis Direction: And why’s that?
Hiro Suzuki: Because he’s making it a joint effort!
Del Ramos: It looks like Lang has set this guy on the right track. Leon’s right - when you’re trying to disable an opponent or set them up for a loss, sometimes it’s not the big hits that get you there - it’s a focus on where the nerves are! Hands are sensitive. Not only is the pain going to be more intense, but if you’re using them in a fight, you’re either going to start pulling your punches or making the pain even worse as you attack your opponent!
Silvio Leon: Is he going to stop? At this rate, Biff’s going to have permanent damage!
After what feels like an eternity of Biff Jerky screaming, The Insensate drops the hold and snickers as Biff collapses on the ground. With a running start, Mara’s prized pupil delivers a straight kick right into the small of Biff’s back, before grabbing his feet and wrenching them backwards, piling all of his weight onto Biff’s own neck! To add insult to injury, The Insensate kneels, placing a knee on top of Biff’s head and increasing the pressure, it’s the Snap!
Del chuckles darkly, eyes gleaming.
Del Ramos: I don’t think our boy Biff’s going to last much longer here…
Artemis Direction: Mara’s little lackey certainly seems to have inherited her love for inflicting pain.
Biff finally taps and the ref calls for the bell. However, The Insensate refuses to relinquish the hold! Biff’s screams continue to echo throughout the arena.
Hiro Suzuki: This is…
Artemis Direction: Excessive! Will somebody get in there and--
Silvio Leon: Way ahead of you.
Yanking off his headset, Silvio makes a beeline from the commentator’s table to the ring, sliding under the bottom rope. Popping up to his feet, he gives the Insensate a shove to get him to break his hold on Biff, yelling, ‘That’s enough!’
The Insensate bounces lightly back to his feet after being pushed to the side, looking at “The Oracle” as he does so.
The Insensate: Ah! So the fabled hero has come to save a worthless peon!
His voice takes on a note of acidic bitterness.
The Insensate: Tend to the peon Leon, I’ll wait my turn. After all, we all know how you love a good underdog story.
He winks as he backs away toward the ring apron.
Silvio takes a step toward the Insensate, but a groan from Biff stops him in his tracks. Teeth set, he stares after the Insensate for a few seconds longer before he shakes his head and turns to kneel beside the fallen wrestler.
Artemis Direction: Oh dear me…
Del cackles softly.
Del Ramos: That’s the good stuff! Wind the kid up enough, we might actually see him make things a bit more personal in the ring.
Artemis Direction: And with that, Ascended Army, we close another Collision. Be sure to join us in two weeks for our next show!
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that reminds me! I have another promotion to recommend. It’s called Origami Wrestling!
Artemis Direction: You don’t say, darling?
Hiro Suzuki: Yep! You can watch it on paper view!
Del sighs and takes out her cell phone.
Del Ramos: Hey, Karl, remember about those live scorpions I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Right, so about getting a truck load of those up to Seattle…
Artemis Direction: Goodnight, Ascended Army!
Credits:
SKUP9 vs. Big McLargehuge - written by Roy Valentine
The Insensate vs. Biff Jerky - written by Zephyr Quinn
Gimmick Infringement Interview - written by Ampersand and Zen
Everything else - Ampersand
I'm tired of waiting
Lost or I'm sitting at home
Dream of a new destination
Lust for something unknown
Oh, you better leave it alone and you know
I, I’d rather get up and go
How long can I lie around waiting for it?
Sometimes you gotta walk out the door
Across the screen flash images of the Ascended Gladiators. We see the Insensate emerging from the shadows backstage as if he were an extension of them instead of merely hidden by them, unknown intent gleaming in his eyes. Jimmy Allen, in his cowboy boots, jeans, and pearl-snap shirt, stands in stark relief against the neon rush of Seattle’s busy downtown nightlife; a wild west cosmonaut in an alien urban landscape.
What do I do?
What do I say?
Am I chasin' down dreams
Or runnin' away?
For an instant, we see Kyle Beckett framed by the Brisbane skyline. The footage blinks to black, and when it resolves again, he’s standing in the same position, but with Seattle’s cityscape behind him, Columbia Center taking the place of Brisbane’s Skytower.
No limits, no ceiling, no crown
No pressure gonna hold me down
No stopping 'til I break every rule
And no limits to what I can do
SKUP9 is seen removing a name tag from his shirt, giving it a little smirk before tossing it over his shoulder, then drawing back a fist and punching the camera, causing a burst of white on the screen. As it fades, we see David O’Toole sprinting and springing along brutalist angles of Freeway Park, traversing its concrete corners as if the rules of physics forgot about him.
Nowhere is too far away
And no border gonna stand in my way
No wall that I can't break through
And no limits to what I can do!
The camera sweeps across the Ascended Army amassed for Collision as the house lights in the Colosseum go up, a few signs catching the viewer’s attention.
WRECK IT, BECKETT!
INSENSATIONAL!
COWBOY UP!
I COULDN’T COME UP WITH A CLEVER RHYME FOR ELIMINATOR!
The view pans over to the commentator’s table where Hiro Suzuki, Del Ramos, and Artemis Direction are seated. Adjusting his spectacles, Hiro beams at the viewers at home.
Hiro Suzuki: Hello, Ascended Army! Welcome to our second edition of Collision! I’m Hiro Suzuki, and with me today on commentary are Artemis Direction--
Artemis blows a kiss at the camera.
Hiro Suzuki: --and Del Ramos!
Del Ramos: I’m amazed, Suzuki. You’ve spoken more than three words without me feeling the need to feed you still fully conscious into a wood chipper.
Artemis Direction: A banner day in the Colosseum, to be sure! And for more reasons than that, darlings. We’ve got quite a card lined up for you all! Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will be changing our main event for the evening. Our new main event will be The Insensate vs. Biff Jerky! Kicking things off, we have David O’Toole making his pro-wrestling debut!
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I hear he did some brawling before coming here. That reminds me - what do a boxer and a comedian both have in common?
Del Ramos: ...And, my Fargo-inspired fantasies return.
Hiro Suzuki: They both need a good punchline!
Artemis Direction: Our second fight has a new roster member who’s all the way from another continent!
Del Ramos: Beckett’s got a hardcore attitude. Leaving behind everything and everyone back home to come somewhere totally new to bust heads? Fucking brutal!
Hiro Suzuki: I’m curious about the guy with the admirable beard.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9?
Hiro Suzuki: Yeah! I want to see what someone nicknamed, ‘The Eliminator,’ is going to bring to the table.
Del Ramos: If it’s not viciousness and viscera, I’m not interested. I know the next guy’s got some violence running through his veins, though.
Artemis Direction: Jimmy Allen is a part of a pro-wrestling family, so I’m sure he’ll be showing us his chops. But the fight that comes after that? Our main event? The Insensate’s an unknown quantity.
Hiro shudders.
Hiro Suzuki: Well, if he’s a student of Lang’s, I’m sure he’s going to show us something awful.
Del Ramos: I think you mean awesome. If he’s as into inflicting pain as she is, that match is going to be killer.
Hiro Suzuki: He’s got it out for at least three of the members on the roster, though it sounds like no one’s been able to figure out why. Silvio Leon will be joining us for commentary on that match!
Artemis Direction: And it looks like we’re about to get things started!
Kevin Kim: Welcome to your first match of Collision, Ascended Army!
A cheer goes up from the crowd!
Kevin Kim: This fight is a standard rules singles match set for one fall! Already in the ring is Beef Squat Thrust! And his opponent!
As the dramatic string introduction of, ‘I’m Shipping Up to Boston,’ by the Dropkick Murphys kicks in, the lights around the Titan-tron pulse green and gold in time with the beat. The screen shows an overhead view of an industrial district, hanging in mid-air for a moment before diving down to the alleys below to show gritty images of hands being taped up, quick footwork of fighters wearing work boots instead of ring boots, and blood spattering against brick walls.
Kevin Kim: From Astoria, Oregon, weighing in at 190 pounds, they call him the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Dressed in plain black ring pants without design or decor, black ring boots, and an army green hoodie, David O’Toole steps out of the entrance, pausing for a moment at the top of the ramp before making his way to the ring, his steps purposeful. Popping to his feet after sliding in under the bottom rope, he tosses his hoodie aside before rolling his shoulders and bouncing lightly from foot to foot.
DING DING!
Squat Thrust growls, prowling tensely back and forth, eyes intense. David remains light on his feet, mirroring his opponent’s movements. O’Toole dances in close, tempting Squat Thrust into making a swing at him only to weave away. Annoyed, Beef lunges again, but his moves are clumsily telegraphed. It gives David ample opportunity to not only circle outside of his opponent’s grasp, but to swing around and land a quick chop across his back! Beef staggers and whips around only to meet O’Toole, still taking advantage of his momentum, who hits him with a lariat! Squat Thrust hits the canvas and O’Toole goes for a pin, Jill Kincaid starting the count!
1!
2--
Kick out from Squat Thrust!
Artemis Direction: The size difference between these two is pretty significant. Small wonder O’Toole’s doing what he can to stay out of his opponent’s range.
Del Ramos: Seems like a hit-and-run fighter. That has the potential to get nasty when you’re getting in any shot you can. It’s a cross between a war of attrition and a surgical strike. A death from a thousand cuts or one decisive stab; just depends on what opportunities the fight gives you.
Squat Thrust gets to his feet, teeth set and eyes seething. O’Toole remains light on his feet, hands raised more like a boxer than a wrestler. He tries to bait his opponent into over reaching again, but Beef feints, making David lose his footing! It’s only a moment, but that’s all it takes for Squat Thrust to grab hold of him and slam him down with a quick hip toss! David writhes in pain on the mat for a moment before Beef grabs him by the throat and drags him to his feet with one hand, getting in a few quick gut shots at him with his free one. Still dazed, O’Toole can’t stop Squat Thrust from whipping him into the ropes! As he rebounds back, O’Toole’s opponent hits him with a brutal shoulder check that sends the smaller man to the mat! Beef goes for a pin!
1!
2!
Kick out from O’Toole!
Hiro Suzuki: O’Toole will not stay down!
Del Ramos: It’s that scrapper’s background. O’Toole’s playing to his strengths - toughness and agility. From the look of it, this guy’s not going to be hitting like a freight train, but if he plays his cards right, he doesn’t have to.
Hiro Suzuki: You know, a friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by train.
Del’s eyes narrow and they begin to growl low in their throat.
Hiro Suzuki: It was an ex-press train!
O’Toole isn’t quite as nimble as before, clearly sore from the hits. He seems to have learned his lesson, though, a new steeliness in his expression as he tightens up his form. Beef makes another lunge that David meets with a shockingly fast super kick! Staggered, O’Toole’s opponent takes a step back as David closes the distance between them! Turning, he starts to set up for a snapmare, but Squat Thrust isn’t having it! As David tries to pull him forward, Beef resists, catching hold of O’Toole’s tights and flipping him over his shoulder. Instead of eating canvas, though, David lands on his feet! Before Squat Thrust realizes he’s still in peril, O’Toole makes a running start at the ropes behind him, bouncing off the second and performing a lionsault on the bigger man! Unprepared, Beef hits the mat! David seizes Squat Thrust’s arm, wrenching it back in a Fujiwara armbar that makes the big man cry out in pain.
Artemis Direction: O’Toole locking in the Tinker’s Ratchet!
Jill Kincaid kneels, checking in with the fighters. David’s teeth are clenched and he’s pulling with all his might! With nowhere to go, Squat Thrust taps out!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: And your winner by submission, the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Artemis Direction: Well, I’d say that our Sidewinder here is adapting quickly!
Hiro Suzuki: Did you see that armbar? Absolutely cold-blooded of him!
Del Ramos: We’re going to be hearing snake puns whenever this guy comes out, aren’t we?
Hiro Suzuki: What’s the problem? Snake puns are hiss-terical!
Del Ramos: Maybe I’ll ask Beckett if he has any venomous ones you can try them out on. Guy’s from Australia. Half the wildlife there can kill you by accident and the other half does it on purpose. They have fucking spider rain there! How metal is that?!
Hiro blanches.
Hiro Suzuki: It rains…spiders?
Del Ramos: And fucking birds apparently. There’s a whole season where magpies are just out for blood.
Hiro Suzuki: You said, ‘spider rain,’ and I’m still trying to cope with that.
Kevin Kim: This fight is a standard rules singles match scheduled for one fall! In the ring with referee Godric Smith is Buck Fruckster! And now approaching the ring, his challenger! From Brisbane, Australia weighing in at 201 pounds, he is the Culture Clash, KYLE BECKETT!
‘Stick to Your Guns,’ by the Sick Puppies comes on over the sound system and Kyle stands at the top of the entrance ramp, bent slightly forward and arms crossed. He drops the hood of his jacket and throws his arms out wide, letting out an excited roar to the crowd. He looks around to take in the arena before striding down the ramp. He ascends on to the ring apron, looking out to the arena again with a sly grin on his face and climbs to the top of the turnbuckle where he cries out “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!,” to which the crowd responds, ‘Oi, Oi, Oi!’ before leaping down to the ring and preparing himself for the match.
DING DING!
The two competitors begin circling each other, each looking for an opening. Beckett’s the first on the attack, stepping in and tying up with Fruckster!
Artemis Direction: I dearly wish Buck would do something about that facial hair. It’s simply atrocious.
Del Ramos: Looks like Beckett’s eager to take control of this fight. He mentioned in his promo he had a lot to prove; that this is about fulfilling a legacy. That’s gotta be some skull-crushing pressure.
Almost as if he can hear Del’s remarks, Kyle’s footing falters, Fruckster overpowering him and shoving the smaller man into a corner. Slamming him into the turnbuckle, he steps back, shaking his head with a laugh. Scowling, Kyle flies from his spot against the turnbuckle, going on the offensive! The pair lock up again, this time Fruckster disdainfully shoving the younger man to the mat!
Artemis Direction: Oh, come now, there’s no call for that sort of disrespect!
Hiro Suzuki: Fruckster doesn’t look like he’s even going to let him keep his footing. You know, for the longest time I couldn’t figure out how I tripped after coming across the remains of this tree. I was stumped!
Del Ramos: You keep reminding me of that wood chipper, and it ain’t wise on your part, Suzuki.
Buck circles the young man, beckoning for him to rise mockingly. Kyle stays on the mat for a moment seeming to favor the arm he fell on. As Fruckster gets in closer, however, his opponent pops up to his feet, catching hold of the bigger man with one hand before hitting him with a European uppercut! Staggered by the unexpected hit, Buck is left open for Kyle to start laying in with a series of rapid forearm strikes before he whips his opponent into the ropes! As a stunned Fruckster is sent flying back at Beckett, Kyle sends him slamming back to the canvas with a calf kick!
Del Ramos: Oh ho! Tricky little fucker, ain’t he?
Hiro nods sagely.
Hiro Suzuki: Ah, yes! Beckett offers us a rare insight into the behaviors of the Himalayan possum.
Del Ramos: Himalayan?
Hiro Suzuki: Well, we did see Himalayan in the middle of the ring!
Del Ramos: I’m going to scoop your eyeballs out with a melon baller once we get back to catering.
Fruckster gets to his feet, looking incensed that he allowed himself to be fooled by Beckett’s ruse as the young man mimics Buck’s own mocking taunt for him to rise. As soon as Buck gets to his feet, Kyle goes for a super kick! Incandescent with anger, Fruckster catches his opponent’s foot, throwing it back down. Undaunted, Kyle uses the momentum to let his foot swing backward, dropping down his opposite hand on the mat and swinging his foot back up again, nailing Fruckster in the face with an enzuigiri and landing in a crouch!
Artemis Direction: The Kick that Defines a Generation! Good instinct! Instead of trying to fight against his opponent’s brute force, he’s using it! And so flashy, as well. This kid’s got some style.
Del Ramos: That’s not easy to do. You have to be confident in your ability to control your momentum and adapt to whatever’s thrown at you. It’s like you said, Artemis - either it’s an inborn instinct or something this kid’s worked hard to cultivate.
Kyle’s on his feet first, Buck following with a grimace on his reddened face. He makes a swing at his opponent, but Beckett side steps before positioning himself behind Fruckster. He slings one of Buck’s arms over his shoulders before reaching down and placing one arm around Fruckster’s waist, while the other goes under his leg. Spinning 180 degrees, Kyle falls backward, slamming Buck right on his back in his Turn of the Century finisher! His opponent stunned, Beckett goes for the pin, referee Godric Smith sliding in for the count!
1!
2!
3!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: Here is your winner, the Culture Clash KYLE BECKETT!
Kyle’s arm is raised in victory as the Ascended Army roars its approval!
Artemis Direction: Nicely done! Beckett really turned things around in that fight.
Del Ramos: Wasn’t sure about him at first, but I think he’s got something brutal deep inside.
Hiro Suzuki: Kyle gets it! It’s like in stand-up. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try...and try again!
Artemis Direction: ...And you’ve succeeded after all those tries?
Hiro Suzuki: ...Well, you know, it’s like the saying goes! Fall down…
Hiro pauses, eyes drifting upward briefly as he appears to be considering something, counting off on his fingers and mouthing calculations.
Hiro Suzuki: ...sixty times, get up sixty-one!
Artemis Direction: And with that extremely sad ratio, we take you backstage with Kevin Kim and Mara Lang for Gimmick Infringement!
We’re taken backstage in front of shimmering gold curtains bearing the Ascended Wrestling logo, where Kevin Kim stands, microphone in hand, next to one Mara Lang. He grins, a stark juxtaposition to the rather severe woman beside him.
Kevin Kim: Hello and welcome to Gimmick Infringement: Special Edition! You’re joining us directly from Ascended Wrestling, where I’m with Mara Lang, two weeks after her sweeping victory over the surprisingly-still-alive Buck Fruckster. Mara, how are you feeling about your first steps into Ascended’s ranks with such a solid victory under your belt?
He points the head of the mic to Mara.
Mara Lang: Motivated. Fruckster was a fine start, but I’m looking forward to facing off against more...interesting opponents. Ones that can help me further my research.
Kevin Kim: Seems like a strange place for science. I suppose there really are no frontiers when it comes to the pursuit of knowledge! What can you share with us about your ‘research’?
Mara Lang: Of course. As I said in my previous promo video, I consider research into sensation to be of the utmost importance to understanding who we are as human beings. We are our nervous systems. To better understand how to control that system is to better understand ourselves. To gather the necessary data for my research, I’ve had to engage in this...less orthodox methodology. But if we can control our senses, then we can control our very souls. I think my Insensate is a triumph in this regard. Or he will be before much longer.
Kevin Kim: Sounds uhh… complicated. That’s definitely one way to think of a person--nerve spaghetti and meatballs. Ahem... speaking of nerves, are you concerned about facing down anyone on our growing roster? Anyone you’re looking forward to running up against?
Mara shrugs.
Mara Lang: I’m unconcerned with facing anyone as far as winning or losing goes. It’s all the same to me. I get valuable data in either scenario.
She smiles.
Mara Lang: However I must say I’m rather intrigued by Zephyr Quinn. Her capacity for doling out and enduring pain is impressive. I’d like to see just how impressive it really is. And that’s to say nothing of our resident Lab Rat King. Clearly someone else has been working on him and I’m curious to see what exactly they intended. The jellified blood, the high pain tolerance, the extreme strength and unnatural anatomy...it’s all fascinating to me. I’d honestly love a conversation with whomever it was that augmented him, but for now I’ll settle for testing the goods, as it were.
She looks into the camera with a little smirk.
Mara Lang: I’ll be sure to publish the findings, should the creator ever decide to reach out to me.
Kevin Kim: Hooookay! Well, that sounds illegal. Before we delve in any further and get this podcast on an FBI watchlist, what are your hopes for your protege of sorts, the Insensate? He seems to have some ideas of his own regarding certain members of our roster. Are we maybe looking at conflicting agendas?
Mara smiles like a cat who caught the canary.
Mara Lang: My Insensate and I are of the same mind. I’d never dream of trying to clip his wings at this point. The greatest joy and anxiety any creator has is seeing their creation unleashed into the wide world, and I’d never do so unless I felt he was ready. Should he wish to challenge the Lab Rat King before I get a chance, I’ve no issue with it. Indeed, I would give my Insensate the world if only to see what he’d do with it. Any real teacher’s goal should be the same - to see their student succeed them.
Kevin Kim: Well, with that cryptic and foreboding answer, I think it’s time to pursue my own greatest joy and anxiety by physically moving away from you. Back to our commentary table!
Hiro’s complexion is the color of spoiled milk.
Hiro Suzuki: Are we positive we want that lady on the roster?
Del is grinning.
Del Ramos: Hell yeah, we are! Are you kidding me? That bitch with her ability to dole out pain against the muzzled lunatic of God’s creation and the Queen of Calamity? Sign me the fuck up!
Artemis Direction: Something tells me the Lab Rat King wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to hear her waxing poetic about his...condition. To say nothing of Ms. Quinn.
Hiro Suzuki: After seeing what she did to Squat Thrust in our last show, I wouldn’t be too eager to jump into the ring with her.
Del Ramos: That’s because you don’t get it, Suzuki. The pain isn’t a byproduct of conquest. It’s the means and the end. She can do whatever she wants to with the ‘data’ she’s collecting. I just want to watch when she’s collecting it.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, talking about all of this science stuff reminds me of my girlfriend! She’s like the square root of -100!
Artemis Direction: Oh, yes?
Hiro Suzuki: Yep! She’s a solid 10!
Artemis Direction: And like the square root of -100, is she also imaginary?
Hiro Suzuki: …
Both of the other commentators gaze at him expectantly.
Hiro Suzuki: ...Yes.
The arena's lights snuff out as a distant voice proclaims:
A chorus of violins and organs rise in the darkness, and the voice speaks again.
It's been a long time, been a long time comin'
It's life or death for me now
But you know, there's no turning back now
This is what makes me, this is what I am
Feel me, let's go
Bass and drums reverberate through the speakers, filling the arena. A spotlight kicks in on stage and reveals the hulking silhouette of a man standing before the entrance.
Kevin Kim: On his way to the ring, weighing in at 369 lbs... from Grand Junction, Colorado... he is The Eliminator, SKUP9!
The lights flare up and The Eliminator's hands fly into the air. He treads down to the ring with thundering steps, casting a hard gaze across the crowd. Most of the audience shy from his stare. At the ringside, one step takes SKUP9 to the apron, and another takes him over and inside, where he stretches in his corner with eyes locked on his opponent.
Hiro Suzuki: That definitely is some impressive facial hair.
Del Ramos: You definitely can’t shut up about it.
Hiro Suzuki: What? I’d grow a beard like that if I could! Sadly, I am at the shallow end of the facial hair gene pool. Hey, Artemis, do you know where the man with the beard keeps his facial hair clippings?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, where?
Hiro Suzuki: In his shaving account!
DING DING!
Immediately, McLargehuge and SKUP9 lock up in the centre of the ring. Big as Big is, he seems to have met his match in size, and with a mighty shove SKUP9 throws McLargehuge into the corner flat on his back! SKUP9's boots shake the ring as he strides over and plants one sole on the McLargehuge in a Foot Choke! The Referee's count comes moments after!
One! Two! Three! Four!
Artemis Direction: It’s hard to believe, but it looks like we found someone who can rival McLargehuge in stature and power! That’s got to be a bit of a shock for him, I imagine.
Del grins, their eyes bright.
Del Ramos: I fucking hope so. There’s nothing more brutal than having the whole concept of your identity challenged in a public space.
SKUP9 pulls his boot up and backs away at the four count while McLargehuge staggers to his feet. With a cry of fury, McLargehuge rushes SKUP9 with a Clothesline - only to be checked full-stop by a Shoulder Block from SKUP9 and flung right back to the mat! SKUP9 reaches down, pulls McLargehuge back to his feet, and leans to scoop his opponent onto his shoulders while McLargehuge is still reeling.
Hiro Suzuki: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone just manhandle McLargehuge like that before!
Artemis Direction: Don’t speak too soon, darling - I think Big has had enough!
Then McLargehuge lands a powerful Double Axe Handle to the upper back of SKUP9, and SKUP9 drops his opponent back onto his feet! McLargehuge quickly wraps his arms around SKUP9's waist and spins behind him - prepped for a German Suplex! SKUP9 struggles against McLargehuge's grip, but McLargehuge's form is locked tight!
Del Ramos: Oooh this is going to be good!
As McLargehuge braces to slam his opponent behind him, SKUP9 raises his palms high on his chest and brings them full-force onto McLargehuge's interlocked hands - and breaks the grapple! McLargehuge stumbles back in astonishment. The iron is hot - and SKUP9 strikes, turning to face McLargehuge, then hoisting him high into the air for a powerful Choke Slam! While McLargehuge clutches at his throat, SKUP9 pulls his opponent's legs up, bracing McLargehuge's feet against his own thighs. SKUP9’s face shows little effort as he begins to spin, swinging McLargehuge around like an olympian at the hammer throw!
Hiro Suzuki: Oh boy I’m dizzy just watching that!
When SKUP9 finally releases, McLargehuge flies out of the ring, clattering to the floor beside the skirt! McLargehuge rolls to a dead stop on his stomach, clutching his head. It's clear he has no intention of getting up anytime soon - and the referee's count begins!
Del lets out a manic cackle, grinning fit to split their face.
Del Ramos: AHAHAHA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
The rest of the Ascended Army appears to agree, a chant of, ‘HO-LY SHIT!’ rising from the throng.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: Your winner by countout, “The Eliminator”, SKUP9!
Del Ramos: FUCK YES! I fucking live for this!
Artemis shakes her head, fanning herself with one hand.
Artemis Direction: Well, I think it’s safe to say that SKUP9 has established himself as a force to be reckoned with!
Del Ramos: I think we should give him and the escaped lab experiment a couple of dudes to shot put and see how far they can throw ‘em.
Hiro Suzuki: I suppose that could be an interesting way to qualify someone for a title match…
Del Ramos: Fuck a title match! I just want to see these guys make the world believe a man can fly! And land! And lose about half their teeth! FUCK! That’s how we’ll figure out who wins! We’ll see which motherfucker has the fewest teeth after they get their ass thrown across the Colosseum! Whoever threw that motherfucker claims victory!
Both Hiro and Artemis look at one another, then scoot a few inches away from Del.
Hiro clears his throat before speaking again.
Hiro Suzuki: For our next match, we have a third generation pro-wrestler on our roster making his debut at Ascended!
Artemis Direction: Oh, and he’s such a sweet puppy! Those eyes, that hair? He’s is about as close to a Botticelli’s angel as I’ve ever seen!
Del Ramos: You looking to recruit for your drag show?
Artemis Direction: Del, darling, I wouldn’t dream of imposing! But if Mr. Allen would care to share his radiance, well, I’ve an audience who certainly wouldn’t be opposed...
Kevin Kim: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with referee Godric Smith is Brick Hardcheese! And his opponent!
Contrasting the previous fighters, no pyro or special effects heralds this wrestler; just the haunting, wandering strains of Seattle’s own Foo Fighters’ ‘The Pretender,’ bouncing around the Colosseum.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began...
As the percussion kicks in, Jimmy Allen makes his way out onto the stage, arms extended, hands balled into a fist over his head. He looks out over the crowd and smiles as he crosses them into an “X”, the crowd pops as he rushes toward the ring. At the last possible moment, he leaps up and deftly baseball slides under the bottom rope towards the center of the ring. He pops back to his feet and goes to the nearest turnbuckle, where he repeats his pose from the ramp before leaping off into a backward flip back towards the center of the ring.
Kevin Kim: From Dallas, Texas, weighing in at 246 pounds, he is The Catalyst, JIMMY ALLEN!
Artemis Direction: You see? Style! The gentleman knows how to make an entrance.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, what does it mean when a cowboy finds a horse walking around without its horse shoes?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, what does it mean?
Del Ramos: You know, if you don’t talk to him or look at him, he’ll probably go away.
Hiro Suzuki: It means it’s walking around in its horse socks!
Del Ramos: Honestly, have we tried T-Rex rules? Just don’t move and maybe he won’t be able to see us. Either that or get a T-Rex to just eat him.
Del considers this.
Del Ramos: ...I mean, we could get a T-Rex…
DING DING!
Jimmy makes the first move, driving a stiff punch into Brick, followed by a kick to the mid-section that sends the man staggering toward the corner of the ring!
Hiro Suzuki: Allen immediately taking control of this fight’s narrative!
Artemis Direction: Given his pedigree, I’d expect nothing less.
Del appears to be looking something up on their phone, muttering to themselves.
Del Ramos: Hmm...I guess it’d qualify as an exotic animal…
Brick ducks under a swing by Jimmy, catching a hold of his arm and whipping him into the ropes, trying to give himself some breathing room. Instead of bouncing off and back toward his opponent, however, Allen moves with the momentum, catching hold of the ropes and flipping backward over them to land on the outside apron! Before Hardcheese can react, Jimmy has hopped up onto the top rope, taking his opponent out a moment later with a springboard dropkick! The crowd cheers as Allen gets back up, moving lightly from one foot to the other, watching as his opponent tries to do the same.
Del Ramos: Goddamnit they’re out of dinosaurs.
Hiro and Artemis glance at one another, then back at Del.
Hiro Suzuki: Who’s out of dinosaurs?
Del Ramos: The world, apparently! All I want is one freakin’ T-Rex but I guess that’s too much to ask for. I figured by this point some billionaire asshole would have resurrected them with the unholy confluence of science, witchcraft, death metal, and capitalism, but no! I guess riding rocket dicks to technically outer space is more important than bringing back the closest fucking thing we’ll ever get to dragons!
They pause, considering.
Del Ramos: ...Hey, wait, we know a billionaire asshole…
Back in the ring, Hardcheese is seething, he and Jimmy stalking around each other like wolves. They step in toward one another, locking up and trading holds before Brick gets in a quick knee to Allen’s mid-section! He folds inward, Hardcheese locking his arm around Jimmy’s neck and hitting him with a DDT before making a pin! Referee Godric Smith hits the canvas beside them!
1!
2!
Kick out from Allen!
Artemis Direction: Looks like Brick’s finally getting a few shots of his own in!
Hiro Suzuki: Del, Marcus would never sink a bunch of money into cloning dinosaurs!
Del just gives Hiro a look.
Hiro Suzuki: ...Okay, you’re right, he definitely would, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea! They had a whole series of movies about why it’s a terrible idea!
Del Ramos: Were we watching the same movies because everything in them shows why it would be metal as fuck to bring back dinosaurs!
Still on the mat, Brick seizes Allen’s arm, wrenching it back in a chicken wing! Jimmy cries out in pain, expression melting into a grimace as Smith checks in with him. Allen shakes his head, grunting as he slides a knee beneath himself, braces with his free arm, and with a concentrated effort, flips his opponent over, breaking free of the hold!
Artemis Direction: Allen not losing his cool and being deliberate with his actions!
Del Ramos: I’m just saying if you’re a billionaire, what could be a better flex?
Hiro Suzuki: Than bringing back dinosaurs!?
Del Ramos: Just, picture this. I’m a billionaire going to the billionaire meetings where they use their workforce as furniture and have Twitter fuck bois cleaning their boots with their tongues. They’re all pissed off that I’m late because we can’t hunt people for sport until everybody’s there because, y’know, etiquette, when they suddenly hear this thunder of footsteps approaching. They rush to the front lawn, monocles shattering as they see me coming up the drive riding a giant goddamn apex predator chicken from the Cretaceous period wearing a top hat! ‘Sorry, guys, I got stuck in traffic, but you know, who gives a shit when you’re riding THE KING OF THE THUNDER LIZARDS!’ Their dicks would instantly become innies out of the force of sheer envy!
Hiro Suzuki: Who’s wearing the top hat? You or the T-Rex?
Del Ramos: YES!
Back in the ring both competitors begin to rise! Jimmy’s on his feet first, getting a running start and looking to perform a shining wizard on Brick, who’s still getting to his feet. As Allen brings his leg up, however, it’s caught by his opponent! The whole thing looks like a set up, though, as Jimmy uses his free leg to deliver a roundhouse kick to the back of his competitor’s head!
Hiro Suzuki: He calls that one the Deterrent!
Artemis Direction: Seems like Allen’s ready to put Brick away!
His opponent writhing on the mat clutching his head, Allen points to the nearest turnbuckle and begins to ascend! Hardcheese doesn’t have time to recover before Jimmy comes flying off the top turnbuckle, connecting with a stunning shooting star fist drop!
Del Ramos: And that’s the Devolve!
Referee Smith is on the canvas again!
1!
2!
3!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: Your winner, The Catalyst, JIMMY ALLEN!
The Ascended Army makes some noise as Allen’s arm is raised, chants of, ‘THAT WAS AWESOME!’ following the blue-eyed victor’s exit from the ring.
Artemis Direction: Well, I’d say that Mr. Allen is a worthy successor to the family business!
Hiro Suzuki: What a show! So far we’ve had a back alley brawler showing us his ingenuity and grit, a kid who came from all the way across the world making his mark on a new town, a man who can give our biggest monsters a run for their money, and a third generation wrestler showing us he’s worthy of taking up the mantle while making it his own!
Del Ramos: So far so good, but if you ask me, the most metal match is coming up next.
Artemis Direction: Moving on to our main event of the evening, we’re going to have my darling child Silvio Leon joining us for commentary!
Silvio makes his way to the commentary desk, waving to fans and offering some fist bumps and high fives as he goes. Having a seat beside Artemis, he pulls on a headset with a smile, greeting the other commentators.
Hiro Suzuki: Congrats on your win last week!
Silvio Leon: Thanks! And thanks for having me.
Del Ramos: Sounds like the masked guy is calling you out, kid. What’d you do? Murder? Blackmail? Extortion? Glitter bomb?
Silvio Leon: Honestly, I got no clue why this guy has beef. The only time anyone ever seems to see him is either by video or when he comes out to work in the ring, so trying to talk this out with him has been a no-go. I figure now’s as good a time as any to see what he’s about.
Artemis Direction: Well, darling, keep your eyes peeled, because here he comes.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, this is your main event of the evening! This fight is a standard rules singles match scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with me is Biff Jerky! His opponent, now coming to the ring accompanied by Mara Lang, he is from parts unknown, THE INSENSATE!
The eerie piano opening of “The Experiment” plays as a massive tank is wheeled out onto the entrance ramp. As the lyrics begin, Mara Lang steps out from behind the tank, her face covered by a blank, white mask. The tank hisses as Mara steps in front, the first thing the Insensate sees and the last before his senses are assaulted by the sudden stimulation from the noise of the crowd. With one last look at Mara, The Insensate moves to the ring and climbs in.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, Artemis, do you know what kind of make-up the Insensate wears?
Artemis Direction: No, darling, what kind?
Hiro Suzuki: Mask-ara!
Del Ramos: I wonder if Lang has a ball-gag hiding in that tank I could borrow.
Silvio Leon: Looks like Biff’s not wasting a second.
Biff launches himself at The Insensate, only for the Insensate to show off his speed and duck underneath a massive clothesline! The Insensate runs the ropes and rebounds, hitting Biff with a calf kick! The big man staggers backwards and The Insensate takes advantage, delivering a stiff roundhouse kick to the gut of Biff Jerky! He doubles over and The Insensate makes him pay by delivering a knee right to the bridge of Biff’s nose!
Del Ramos: Ohhh I think I like this guy.
Artemis Direction: Oof…that’s a bout of rhinoplasty that’s going to hit Biff right in the bank account.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, did you know what the right eye said to the left eye?
Silvio Leon: Nah, dude, lay it on me.
Hiro Suzuki: Between you and me, something smells!
Pointedly ignoring Hiro, Del’s grin broadens.
Del Ramos: Looks like we haven’t even seen the extent of our masked-man’s mean streak!
Biff takes a knee, placing his hand on the mat. Again, The Insensate makes him pay by stomping on his hand! Biff grunts in pain but The Insensate isn’t done there as he pivots the foot on Biff’s hand and grabs Biff’s opposite arm, bending it backwards! Biff howls and The Insensate grab’s Biff’s hand, wrenching the hand backwards by the fingers and holding Biff there!
Silvio Leon: Jesus-! The Insensate proving you don’t need to pulverize someone to get the job done. Sometimes focusing on those more delicate joints will work even better.
Del Ramos: Ahaha yes! YES!
Hiro Suzuki: If he keeps going like that, the Insensate’s not going to be able to claim solo credit if he wins this fight!
Artemis Direction: And why’s that?
Hiro Suzuki: Because he’s making it a joint effort!
Del Ramos: It looks like Lang has set this guy on the right track. Leon’s right - when you’re trying to disable an opponent or set them up for a loss, sometimes it’s not the big hits that get you there - it’s a focus on where the nerves are! Hands are sensitive. Not only is the pain going to be more intense, but if you’re using them in a fight, you’re either going to start pulling your punches or making the pain even worse as you attack your opponent!
Silvio Leon: Is he going to stop? At this rate, Biff’s going to have permanent damage!
After what feels like an eternity of Biff Jerky screaming, The Insensate drops the hold and snickers as Biff collapses on the ground. With a running start, Mara’s prized pupil delivers a straight kick right into the small of Biff’s back, before grabbing his feet and wrenching them backwards, piling all of his weight onto Biff’s own neck! To add insult to injury, The Insensate kneels, placing a knee on top of Biff’s head and increasing the pressure, it’s the Snap!
Del chuckles darkly, eyes gleaming.
Del Ramos: I don’t think our boy Biff’s going to last much longer here…
Artemis Direction: Mara’s little lackey certainly seems to have inherited her love for inflicting pain.
Biff finally taps and the ref calls for the bell. However, The Insensate refuses to relinquish the hold! Biff’s screams continue to echo throughout the arena.
Hiro Suzuki: This is…
Artemis Direction: Excessive! Will somebody get in there and--
Silvio Leon: Way ahead of you.
Yanking off his headset, Silvio makes a beeline from the commentator’s table to the ring, sliding under the bottom rope. Popping up to his feet, he gives the Insensate a shove to get him to break his hold on Biff, yelling, ‘That’s enough!’
The Insensate bounces lightly back to his feet after being pushed to the side, looking at “The Oracle” as he does so.
The Insensate: Ah! So the fabled hero has come to save a worthless peon!
His voice takes on a note of acidic bitterness.
The Insensate: Tend to the peon Leon, I’ll wait my turn. After all, we all know how you love a good underdog story.
He winks as he backs away toward the ring apron.
Silvio takes a step toward the Insensate, but a groan from Biff stops him in his tracks. Teeth set, he stares after the Insensate for a few seconds longer before he shakes his head and turns to kneel beside the fallen wrestler.
Artemis Direction: Oh dear me…
Del cackles softly.
Del Ramos: That’s the good stuff! Wind the kid up enough, we might actually see him make things a bit more personal in the ring.
Artemis Direction: And with that, Ascended Army, we close another Collision. Be sure to join us in two weeks for our next show!
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that reminds me! I have another promotion to recommend. It’s called Origami Wrestling!
Artemis Direction: You don’t say, darling?
Hiro Suzuki: Yep! You can watch it on paper view!
Del sighs and takes out her cell phone.
Del Ramos: Hey, Karl, remember about those live scorpions I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Right, so about getting a truck load of those up to Seattle…
Artemis Direction: Goodnight, Ascended Army!
Credits:
SKUP9 vs. Big McLargehuge - written by Roy Valentine
The Insensate vs. Biff Jerky - written by Zephyr Quinn
Gimmick Infringement Interview - written by Ampersand and Zen
Everything else - Ampersand