Post by Ampersand on Jul 12, 2021 6:59:27 GMT
The Colosseum is completely dark, the muffled noise of the crowd the only sound until a heavy percussion begins to thump to life all around them from the sound system, giving the entire building a beating heart. Voices rise in a bag pipe wail, the sound felt through the body as much as heard through the ears. Just as it reaches its crescendo, it cuts out; a smooth baritone rolling from the speakers.
All at once, the dark of the Colosseum is pierced, colored lights lancing through the dim to illuminate the assembled in shades of blue, green, red, and gold. They shiver with the percussive heartbeat.
The lights come up, gold and white pyrotechnics firing off on either side of the ramp entrance, revealing the ring, ramp, and the broad screen of the Titan-tron. The Ascended Gladiators flash across it. Images of Zephyr Quinn and the Lab Rat King locked in battle in a cage of barbed wire, Silvio Leon performing a stunning corkscrew shooting star press, Roy Valentine walking through a shower of rose petals to a standing ovation from the crowd, Brendan Logan...doing his best, and Mara Lang locking the Twisted Nerve in on a screaming opponent.
The camera sweeps over the crowd, a number of signs held up by the audience.
At last, the camera’s view comes to rest on the commentator’s table. Three people are seated behind the mics. One is a statuesque, tawny-skinned woman with a regal blonde updo and boldly patterned blouse, the other is a middle-aged Japanese man with spectacles and a broad smile, and the last is an older Latinx woman with dark skin, a shock of auburn hair and bright red lipstick.
The woman in the patterned blouse speaks into the microphone.
Artemis Direction: Hello and welcome to the first episode of Collision! Ascended’s Wrestling’s biweekly show where we watch our Gladiators slay giants, win glory, and make history! Joining me on commentary are Hiro Suzuki!
The bespectacled man waves.
Hiro Suzuki: It’s so good to have you tune in to our program! You know, I was just watching a program about beavers the other day.
The woman with the red lipstick lets out a near-bestial growl.
Hiro Suzuki: It was the best dam documentary I’d ever watched!
Artemis Direction: And the lady beside me with murder in their eyes is Del Ramos!
Del Ramos: Suzuki, I am going to figure out a way to replace your blood with scorpions if it’s the last thing I do.
Hiro Suzuki: Oh, it sounds like you want to do a sting operation!
Del Ramos: I know a wholesaler, I could get them here by tomorrow.
Artemis Direction: Oh, Del, don’t scare him off right away. We wait until after the first date for the weird stuff! Anyway, we have quite a show for you tonight, darlings! We’re kicking things off with a Gladiator that’s near and dear to me, my drag child, Silvio Leon! He’ll be fighting Hot Dropkick whose fashion sense is...truly lamentable. I mean, sweetlings, have you seen that mask?
Del Ramos: Looks like a fucking poser. I’m looking forward to the second match. That Mara Lang chick gets it. This whole point of fighting is pain, after all. If people aren’t bleeding in agony, what’s the motherfucking point?
Hiro Suzuki: I feel like I can really get behind that Brendan Logan kid! You gotta give it to a guy who just...keeps trying and doing what he can! Even if he might not be good at it now, he just keeps going! I just know he’s going to show us what he can do against Brawn Johnson. I love an underdog story!
Artemis Direction: Speaking of, Hiro, sweetness, have they allowed you back into the comedy club to perform again yet? Didn’t you say you were banned?
Hiro Suzuki: It’s not so much that I’m banned as it is the guys doing the set threatened to drop a stage light on me if I touched the mic again.
Artemis Direction: Simply tragic. You know who I’m looking forward to? Roy Valentine! He has style. He has presence. I mean, you have to respect a man with the panache to include a shower of rose petals in his entrance.
Del Ramos: Roses aren’t going to help anyone against the sheer savagery of the last two matches. I’ve been waiting to see the Lab Rat King and Zephyr Quinn in action.
Del grins fiercely.
Del Ramos: I can’t get enough of those two. Their kind of bloodshed is what makes this whole operation worth running!
Hiro Suzuki: Del, circling back to what you were saying earlier, how do you know a scorpion wholesaler?
Del Ramos: I’m a former hardcore wrestler and a vocalist in a metal band. Use your imagination.
Artemis Direction: And with that, we take you to our ring announcer, Kevin Kim!
A dapper-looking gentleman with black hair and high cheekbones dressed in a navy-colored suit steps into the ring.
Kevin Kim: Ladies, gentlemen, and gentlethems, welcome to Ascended Wrestling! Our opening bout of the evening and the first of our promotion will be a standard rules singles match presided over by referee Godric Smith set for one fall! Already in the ring is our first competitor, Hot Dropkick!
With that, the lights in the Colosseum go out, the Titan-tron displaying a black and white image of a Ouija board lit by candles and surrounded by scattered tarot cards and raw crystals. A planchette's point moves of its own volition across the name, ‘Silvio Leon’ written in the classic Ouija font as the opening solo of ‘Superstition,’ by Kyle Primus goes careening around the arena. The entrance is bathed in blacklight, a figure moving through it to stand at the top of the ramp, lifting their hands in front of their face to create the shape of a planchette.
Kevin Kim: And his opponent! Now entering the ring from Seattle, Washington, weighing in at 195 pounds, he is your Mystifying Oracle, SILVIO LEON!
At the top of the ramp, Silvio throws down his hands, a pair of white pyros going off on either side of him as the house lights come back up. Making his way to the ring, he interacts heavily with the fans, giving them high fives, fist bumps, and taking selfies as he progresses. He does an acrobatic little flip over the top rope before landing on the canvas.
Artemis Direction: Awww my baby can really make an entrance!
Hiro Suzuki: He’s your son?
Artemis Direction: I’m his drag mother, lovely. I looked after him for a few years when he was getting on his feet after high school. He helped us with make-up and did some performing. I couldn’t let cheekbones that could cut glass go unutilized.
Del Ramos: Yeah, well, pretty boy’d better watch himself - or not. Either way, I want brutality.
The two competitors circle one another before locking up! The two seem equals in strength, neither able to overpower the other. Silvio shifts his weight and hooks one foot behind Dropkick’s ankle, yanking it out from under him and sending him to the mat He follows up quickly with a standing moonsault, Dropkick letting out a truncated, ‘Oof!’ before Leon goes for a cover.
One!
Tw--
And a kick out from Hot Dropkick!
Del Ramos: Come on, kid, let’s see some ferocity! Don’t make this quick!
The pair get to their feet again, Dropkick seeming annoyed at Leon’s attempt at a swift finish, the Oracle grinning at him cheekily, shrugging and saying something that looks like: ‘Can’t blame a guy for trying!’ Dropkick makes a grab at Silvio only for Leon to duck out of the way, seeming content to just dodge his opponent’s continued attempts at offense.
Artemis Direction: Silvio seems intent on humiliating poor Dropkick in front of the crowd tonight.
Positioning himself so he’s back-to-back with Dropkick, Silvio follows his opponent’s movements, the pair turning circles around the mat as Dropkick tries to meet the Oracle face-to-face again. With a roar of frustration, he takes a quick step forward, leaving Silvio briefly off balance before slamming his back against his opponent; Silvio’s face planting on the mat as Dropkick’s body falls on top of him. He goes for a cover!
One!
Two!
Thre--
Kick out from Leon!
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that reminds me of a joke! What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Del Ramos: Urge...to kill...world...rising…
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, what did it say?
Hiro Suzuki: Dam!
Del Ramos: Rising!
Artemis Direction: Dear heart, that’s the second dam joke you’ve made this evening. Try shaking the punchline up a bit.
Del Ramos: RISING!
Hiro Suzuki: It looks like that’s what our competitors are doing in the ring!
Sure enough, Dropkick has caught hold of his opponent and is dragging him to his feet! Silvio is cringing, face smarting as Hot Dropkick spins him around, sending him into the ropes.
Del Ramos: Irish whip from Dropkick!
Dropkick hits Silvio with a lariat, sending him back to the mat! He follows quickly after, locking in an arm-trap triangle choke! Leon lets out a cry of pain, writhing in the hold before focusing and twisting to start kneeing Dropkick in the back of the head!
Artemis Direction: Come on, Sil!
Hiro Suzuki: Oooh Dropkick’s grip is loosening!
Silvio pops free of the hold, getting to his feet, Dropkick following suit. The two are at each other immediately, Silvio ducking under another attempt at a lariat, using his momentum to hit Dropkick in the back of the head again, this time with a spinning heel kick, slamming him face first into the mat! His opponent immobilized on the canvas, Silvio, breath ragged, points to the nearest top turnbuckle before beginning to climb.
Artemis Direction: Looks like Silvio’s setting up for the Color Out of Space! Dropkick is in trouble here if he doesn’t shake those cobwebs…
Del Ramos: YES, KID! DESTROY HIM!
Hiro and Artemis glance at one another and both lean just a little further away from Del, who has a manic grin below fiery eyes.
Dropkick begins to stir feebly, turning just in time to catch sight of Silvio Leon executing a flashy corkscrew shooting star press! He lets out a short cry as it connects, Silvio immediately going for the cover!
One!
Two!
Three!
Kevin Kim: And your winner by pinfall is SILVIO LEON!
The Oracle’s hand is raised in victory, and the crowd roars its approval. As Hot Dropkick rolls out of the ring to head to the back, Silvio gestures for a mic, Kevin obliging him.
Silvio Leon: Hello, Seattle! It is so good to be back in the PNW!
The crowd thunders again!
Del Ramos: Cheap pop.
Artemis sighs and lightly bats the back of Del’s head.
Silvio Leon: Daddy’s home and he brought some friends along with him! For those of you who may be unfamiliar, first of all, happy to make your acquaintance, second of all, you are in for a treat! For your appetizer, y’got me - your friendly neighborhood spooky boi who flies through the air with the greatest of ease! Then there’s Mara Lang who I’m pretty sure is an escaped Cenobite. There’s Brendan who is...I’m sure he’s going to show us great stuff! And Roy Valentine? Don’t let the eloquence fool you - that rose has got some gnarly thorns! Which brings us to those near and dear to my heart. My very own tag partner for Team Hellbent, the Lab Rat King! If you all are down for some hardcore matches, just follow the wake of destruction my boy leaves behind into the Underworld. While you’re there, don’t be surprised if you run across an angelic acquaintance of mine, Zephyr Quinn! Those two still got some beef to settle, and babies you’re not gonna wanna miss it when that pops off.
The Colosseum fairly shakes with the cheers of the crowd, Silvio lifting the mic and turning in a circle, his free hand cupped around one ear as if he can’t quite hear them.
Smiling, he savors the cheers for a moment or two longer before he speaks again.
Silvio Leon: Thanks again for coming out, everyone! And for those of you at home - don’t touch that dial! If you’re looking for thrills, chills, spills, and wills at war, you’re exactly where you want to be. Have a good night, folks, tip your concessions staff, and check us out at the merch tables after the show!
Blowing a kiss and giving a wink, he slides out of the ring and heads back up the ramp.
Artemis Direction: Ah, my baby can still promote! I’m so proud.
Del Ramos: And now we’re getting to the good stuff! I like Lang’s style. If the agony’s absent, why even attend?
Kevin Kim: Our next match is a standard singles rules with referee Jill Kincaid set for one fall! Already in the ring is Buck Fruckster. And his opponent, weighing in at 185 pounds from Bellevue, Washington, MARA LANG!
The Titan-tron screen comes to life with what looks like a network of nerves branching out in silvery spikes, electrical impulses crackling through them along to the strains of, ‘Twisted Nerve,’ by Bernard Herrmann. Those impulses form the name, ‘Mara Lang,’ in shivering silver letters before they burst into brilliant sparks. The lights on either side of the entrance rotate, flashing white beams in an almost hypnotic pattern as Mara steps through to the top of the ramp. As the sharp whistling sound of Mara’s entrance music cuts through the air, the crowd is quieter than would be expected. There is something unwholesome about the way she strides to the ring, not a motion wasted. The only thing that would suggest any distraction from her destination is the motion of her eyes; casting back and forth among the assembled as if assessing them.
Hiro Suzuki: Eeesh. She’s creepy. Oh! Hey, that reminds me of a joke!
Del Ramos: Don’t ruin this for me, Suzuki.
Hiro Suzuki: What does a ghost panda eat for dinner?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Hiro Suzuki: Bam-boo!
Del Ramos: For the love of God, Jill, get this started or we are all going to be on the news tonight.
Mara and Buck circle each other. Mara’s steps practically glide along the canvas, her posture erect, one hand tucked behind her back, eyes never leaving her opponent. Buck’s motions are all the more coarse in comparison, the man prowling like an animal. Finally, he lunges, though Mara spins around him in a tight circle, delivering a discus back elbow to the back of his head. Continuing with the motion, she hits him in the chest with a backhand chop before swinging in beside him, tangling up their limbs and taking him down with a Russian Leg Sweep!
Artemis Direction: My, oh, my! Little Miss Hellraiser has a bit of a flow going!
Hiro Suzuki: I admit, I wasn’t expecting her to move like that.
Both opponents are up again, Buck more wary now, narrowing his eyes as Mara observes him like a cat watching its prey. They both fall in toward each other at once, tying up and exchanging holds, Mara’s face contorting now and then with effort, Buck letting out a snarl of anger before breaking free. As Mara comes at him again, he catches her by the arm, twisting her around into an arm trap neck breaker! As she tries to shake it off, Buck rises to his feet and comes back down on her with an elbow drop to the back.
Del Ramos: You can flow and dance all you want, but Buck here is showing us nothing beats raw brutality!
Artemis Direction: Looks like he’s setting her up for a figure-four leg lock!
Buck, on his feet again, grabs Mara’s legs and, with a few deft motions, falls onto the mat, locking in the submission! Mara cries out, grimacing in pain as the hold continues. Jill drops to the canvas, checking in with her, asking if she wants to submit, to which Mara shakes her head! Teeth set, brow beaded with sweat, determination written in her every excruciating motion, Lang begins to turn, starting to reverse the hold!
Hiro Suzuki: Look at that strength! That will!
Artemis Direction: Fruckster can’t believe it!
Mara’s opponent looks horrified, trying his best to wrestle Lang back into place but having no luck! Before he can break free, it’s too late - Mara has him caught in the hold, a smile playing across her features as she watches him cry out in pain.
Del Ramos: See! That’s it! Right there! She gets the sadism! I love it!
Before he can tap out, however, Mara releases the hold. Buck seethes in pain, legs moving stiffly. Unable to get them beneath him, he’s helpless as Mara rises to her knees, takes what appears to be a nitrile glove from her gear. She gloves up, grabs her opponent and drags him to his feet. He cries out, legs still aching, as she thrusts him into the nearest ring corner and shoves her hand into his mouth for her finisher, Novocaine!
Hiro Suzuki: Oof! Anyone else feeling some second hand pain here?
Del Ramos: I’m happy to upgrade it to first hand pain completely free of charge.
His screams muffled by the fingers pressing down on the nerves in his mouth, Fruckster frantically taps out!
Kevin Kim: Your winner by submission - MARA LANG!
As Buck slinks off to the back, Mara takes the mic from Kevin, not bothering to have her arm raised in victory.
Mara Lang: My dear test subjects.
Hiro Suzuki: Boy I wish I could unhear that.
Del Ramos: Now you know how everyone at your stand-up routines feel.
Mara Lang: While I look forward to seeing what kind of new and exciting experiments we can conduct, I understand some of you may be...hesitant about participation. But I think if you see just what we can achieve together, you’ll be much more confident in the outcomes I can provide.
Artemis Direction: Now what is this about?
Mara Lang: Pleasure and pain. Fear and delight. Agony and ecstasy. We are all of us subject to the whims of sensation. All of us helpless in the grip of our own bodies; betrayed by the very lightning that suspends our thoughts. But we do not have to be.
Mara gestures to the Titan-tron, which flickers and lights up to show a dark room where a figure sits in the dim.
Mara Lang: Meet my magnum opus. The master of his own pain. My Insensate.
The Insensate stands, moving silently through the shadows as he speaks, features obscured by the darkness as well as a mask.
The Insensate: Hello Ascended. I am but one of Mara’s experiments and will forever remain, the best. Pain and suffering. Ecstasy and delight. These are nothing more than sensations that after a while are… Interchangeable. Soon, I will show you all that pain is nothing more than a figment of your imagination while you whither and hope for the end; which will come slowly. No one is safe in Ascended whether it is pretend angels or lab experiments gone wrong. I don’t care who you think you are or what you’ll think you’ll do while in Ascended.
A hand reaches into a small sliver of light and all anyone can hear is the hiss of The Insensate.
The Insensate: Not even if you’re a prodigal son, returning home, with his fortune teller’s good spirits. As if nothing can touch him…
He hisses again but controls himself as the hand withdraws back into the shadows.
The Insensate: I will take your expectations and twist them into your worst nightmares. Soon Ascended. Soon...
Hiro Suzuki: …
Artemis Direction: …
Del Ramos: Fucking metal.
Artemis Direction: ...Well...ah...moving on with our evening, next up we have Brendan Logan versus Brawn Johnson!
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I just love how Brendan shows us that no matter what, you should never give up on your dreams! Even if you’re having a rough time, if you hang in there, it’ll all be worth it! You just have to keep trying!
Del Ramos: The fact you empathize so strongly with this guy tells me everything I need to know about you.
Kevin Kim: The following match is a standard singles rules competition set for one fall! Already in the ring with referee Godric Smith is Brawn Johnson! Joining us is his opponent, weighing in at 127 pounds...wait, is that right? Wow. Okay. Weighing in at 127 pounds, hailing from Hoboken, New Jersey, he is...BRENDAN LOGAN!
‘A Dangerous Man,’ by Foxy Shazam comes on over the sound system. The camera stays focused on the stage for a good long while. Brendan's nowhere to be seen and the music eventually cuts. The cameras search the arena and finally catch a shot of Brendan still getting his tights on with a burger in his mouth while he tries his best to run down the stairs through the crowd. His best isn't enough and he ends up tumbling down the stairs, clumsily slamming into the barricade, then standing with his tights finally all the way up. Brendan throws his arms up with a smile, then hops over the barricade and slides into the ring while his psychiatrist - Dr. Martina Gainor - heads down the ramp with her face buried in the palm of her hand and comes to a stop at Brendan's corner. The twosome have a quick conversation before Brendan prepares for action by curling up in his corner and taking a nice nap.
Del Ramos: ...You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Godric gives Martina a baffled look, the doctor sighing and rubbing her temples before kneeling and giving Brendan a gentle shake, looking to be speaking to him in a firm tone. He whines and bats at her with one hand. As she’s about to try to wake him again, Brawn Johnson grabs hold of Brendan and drags him to his feet. Startled, Martina leaves the ring, apprehension written on her features as Godric signals for the bell to be rung!
Brendan lets out a strangled yelp as he’s pulled upright, looking around frantically as if he has no idea where he is.
Artemis Direction: Is this...should we be allowing this to continue?
Hiro Suzuki: I’m sure it’s all part of his strategy!
Del Ramos: Is the strategy to get his ass handed to him?
In the ring, Johnson struggles briefly with a flailing Brendan, seeming more annoyed than anything else. He Irish whips him into the ropes, setting him up for a clothes line, but before he can reach his opponent, Brendan trips over his own feet, stumbling and colliding with the canvas, landing awkwardly on his shoulder.
Artemis Direction: Are we absolutely positive this is something we should let happen?
Del Ramos: Oh, this is going to be brutal.
Hiro Suzuki: Come on, Brendan! You can do this!
Johnson just stands there for a moment, staring at his opponent mewling on the canvas. He glances uncertainly at Godric who just shrugs and signals for them to continue. Raising his brows and shaking his head, Brawn Johnson goes to lift Brendan up only for his opponent to sit up suddenly, inadvertently head-butting Johnson right in his...Johnson.
Hiro Suzuki: Oooof…
Artemis Direction: Low blow, but...I don’t think that was on purpose.
Martina is cringing, pinching the bridge of her nose as Brawn Johnson crumples to the canvas clutching his groin. Brendan is rubbing the back of his head, looking bewildered when he notices his opponent writhing in pain. Perking up, he scrambles to his feet, climbing the nearest turnbuckle and going for a diving drop kick --
Hiro Suzuki: Thatta boy!
-- that promptly goes awry as he loses his footing, resulting in him nutting himself on the top turnbuckle.
Del Ramos: Do you think Afsah is trying to give Nguyen an aneurysm by hiring this guy?
Artemis Direction: Honey, I wouldn’t put it past him.
Aggravated, Johnson gets to his feet - a little gingerly at first - and stalks over to where Brendan is perched wobbling on the top turnbuckle. Seizing his arm, he pulls his own back and starts laying into him with some chops across the chest! Sympathetic, ‘Ooo’s' roll through the crowd. Brendan begins to weep in snotty, hiccuping sobs, his chest bright red from the impact of the blows. He rallies, trying to fight back with a flurry of punches that all miss.
Artemis Direction: I believe that one’s his, ‘Arms too Short to Box with God.’
Del Ramos: Jesus head-banging Christ.
Hiro Suzuki: I, uh...I’m sure there’s...a reason...oh boy.
Brawn looks disgusted, taking a step back and rolling his eyes. He goes to talk with Godric as Brendan goes for Studio Ghibli levels of ugly crying. Godric shakes his head, pointing back at Logan, assuring Johnson that, yes, this fight does need to continue. Brawn turns around, closing the space between himself and Brendan, looking to end things, when he suddenly wobbles and slips on a slick spot on the canvas, pitching forward and slamming his head hard against the second turnbuckle below Brendan.
Del Ramos: ...Did that fool just slip on a puddle of Logan’s fucking snot and tears?
Hiro Suzuki: I told you! There’s a method to the sadness--er, madness!
Brendan looks startled by the sudden shock to the post, but seeing his opponent out cold, he drops down and makes the pin!
One!
Two!
Three!
Kevin Kim: Your, uh...winner by pinfall - BRENDAN LOGAN!
Artemis Direction: Well, that was certainly...something.
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like Johnson is still off in dreamland. Say, do you know what kinds of dreams hotels have?
Del Ramos: Every day I pray for you to experience the miracle of spontaneous combustion.
Hiro Suzuki: Suite dreams!
Del Ramos: Ugh. Well, I have to say while Lang’s commitment to inflicting pain was a highlight of the evening so far, I’m still missing out on some blood. Hopefully the next few matches will make up for it. I’ve got high hopes for that Rat guy. Have you seen his cage matches? Fucking vicious. I can’t wait for him to bring those here to the Colosseum.
Artemis Direction: We do have him coming up after Roy Valentine’s match. LRK and Quinn may be even more bloodthirsty than you, Del darling.
Del Ramos: Doubtful, but I look forward to seeing them rise to the occasion.
Artemis Direction: Speaking of, as we get ready for Roy Valentine vs. Big McLargehuge, please join Kevin Kim with Ascended Gladiator Zephyr Quinn!
Kevin has relocated to the backstage area, standing beside Zephyr, smiling.
Kevin Kim: Thanks for joining us, Ascended Army! I am here with Zephyr Quinn, one of our very first signees for Ascended Wrestling. How are you feeling ahead of your main event match tonight, Zephyr?
Zephyr smiles and cracks her neck slowly before leaning forward.
Zephyr Quinn: In a word, Kevin? Confident. I’ve encountered SO much throughout a short career that Beef Squat Thrust isn’t much of a hurdle in my eyes. Sure, I’m in the main event, but putting me against a guy whose name is just… What kind of name is that anyways?
She sighs and refocuses.
Zephyr Quinn: Give me someone memorable. I want to prove myself to Ascended higher ups and most importantly, the Ascended Army. Ascended hasn’t seen anything like me before and all I want is a chance to show that to all of you.
Kevin Kim: I’m sure you’ll make the most of any opportunities given you. You have quite a number of accomplishments under your belt already! Silvio Leon and Lab Rat King have made no secret about their goals here at Ascended. What do you have your sights set on?
Zephyr shifts as a mischievous grin dances over her features.
Zephyr Quinn: I think my resume speaks for itself in terms of the type of wrestler I am. Toss me into a normal, boring, match with all the rules and I’ll make the best of it. Let me do what I want? That’s when the real magic happens. That said, first shows need big announcements, so here’s my own. That Underworld Title? It’s going to come home with me. I don’t care if I lose it later on, King and I do have unfinished business after all; but I WILL have my name on the list of champions first. I will lay my hands on that gold before anyone else and King?
She looks deadpan into the camera.
Zephyr Quinn: That includes you.
Satisfied, she sits back in her chair, her gaze back on Kevin.
Kevin nods, raising a brow.
Kevin Kim: I’m sure King will have a few things to say about that. Whether or not anyone will understand them is anyone’s guess, but I’m sure he wants to settle the score between you two sans interference this time around.
Suddenly uncomfortable, Zephyr’s gaze shifts to a spot behind the camera before back to Kevin.
Zephyr Quinn: That is the goal, yes. There is a short list of people who have stood toe to toe with King and have earned his respect. There’s an even shorter list of people who have stepped into the ring with him and survived, let alone get a pinfall over him. Another proclamation, I guess you could call it, is that I swear on everything good and holy, I’ll be the first to get an unassisted pinfall over him. Whatever. It. Takes.
Her words are pointed and as she gives her answer, Zephyr’s eyes once again drift to an unseen spot off stage. She let’s the silence fall, heavy for only a few seconds before she laughs.
Zephyr Quinn: King likes to think he’s unbeatable. I’m here to prove that I’m the exception to that rule.
Kevin Kim: You’re no stranger to hardcore and more creative matches, as you’ve mentioned. What would your dream set up for this reckoning be?
Zephyr taps on her chin with a finger, as if to think over her words carefully.
Zephyr Quinn: That’s a tough one Kevin, congrats! Honestly though, I’ve seen a lot and done even more. I want to be a part of something different. Something new to catch everyone’s attention. Something that can become part of my ‘wrestling legacy’ as it were. It sounds like a cop out answer, but when I said, ‘whatever it takes,’ I meant it. I don’t care about the stipulations, I want that belt first, and I want to beat King at his own game. Everything else? It’s part of the journey.
Zephyr winks at Kevin and falls silent.
Kevin Kim: Well, I definitely think you’re going to get that opportunity! As one of the people poised to shape Ascended Wrestling, what do you want to see more of in the pro-wrestling world you aren’t seeing now, and how do you want to help bring it about?
This time Zephyr actually looks stumped. She blinks at Kevin briefly and then stammers before answering.
Zephyr Quinn: That’s a uh… Interesting question. I guess I never really thought about it? Off the top of my head though I’d say having more of an acceptance all around for hardcore wrestlers and the divisions they represent. A lot of times that style is frowned upon, hailed ‘too violent’ for the average viewer. I get it, but I feel like the division should be put on the same pedestal as any kind of ‘World Title.’
She pauses before adding.
Zephyr Quinn: To answer your next question? I never pictured myself a leader of any kind of movement. But if we were to put me in charge of the revolution? I’d do everything in my power to deliver the type of match one would expect from a high caliber match. It’s one thing to say that you’re in the main event and it’s a completely new game when you try to BE the main event. It takes all participants, not just one person to make a great main event, so believe me when I say I’ll be pushing each and every one of my opponents to be that much better.
She sits back in her chair, satisfied with her answer.
Kevin Kim: Awesome! Well, thank you so much for your time, Zephyr. Can’t wait to see you later this evening! Until then, folks, make sure to support me on my podcast Gimmick Infringement, where you can catch more interviews with upcoming Ascended talent! Download it on Spotify, Amazon Music, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts! Also, be sure to hit me up on my Patreon to support my wrestling action figure habit and help me buy a couch for my new apartment! Sitting on hardwood sucks. Back to you at the commentator’s table, Artemis!
Artemis Direction: Thank you, darling! Kevin does clean up so nicely.
Del Ramos: Does he keep trying to get you to call him, ‘Kev’?
Artemis Direction: Yes, and I absolutely will not.
Hiro Suzuki: Me, either. Del, you used to be a hardcore wrestler. What do you think of Zephyr’s goal to become our first Underworld Champion?
Del Ramos: I’d say she’s definitely got it in her. I’ve seen her other matches and she’s right about knowing how to make them interesting. There’s nothing that can’t become a weapon in her hands! It’s so fucking brutal! If you want to be a good hardcore wrestler, you need to know how to be resourceful, and she’s got that down. You need to know how to wring as much blood-soaked entertainment from the fight as possible. People who look down on our style are just jealous they can’t hang or they’re too worried about messing up their bodies.
Artemis Direction: There is an increased risk of injury. Plenty of wrestlers have sadly had to cut their careers short because of incidents in the ring. You can’t really blame them for shying away from that sort of fighting.
Del frowns, waving off Artemis’ concerns.
Del Ramos: Fuck that. Listen, we know what we’re getting into when we sign up to do this for a living. The way I look at it? You can play it safe and have decades of okay matches that get the job done but don’t really help you reach your full, glorious gory potential. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have a shorter career as a wrestler fighting the fights I wanna fight full of guts and glory than a lifetime of mediocrity. I know most people don’t agree, but if you got that fire in your veins and you want that blood-soaked brass ring, it’s a feeling you can’t ignore. If you try, it’ll eat you alive, so you may as well ride that wave instead of fighting against it. That’s what I see in King and Quinn.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that’s kinda funny, isn’t it? They’re a King and a Quinn!
Del Ramos: I will murder your entire family.
Artemis Direction: Our next match is one I’ve had on my mind! Roy Valentine is such a get for Ascended. He’s really quite the Renaissance man, wouldn’t you say? I took a little time to look into his botanical-based business empire, and I’m impressed.
Hiro Suzuki: I hear his perfumes are simply iris-istible!
Artemis Direction: That one wasn’t too bad, honey! Maybe puns are your calling.
Del Ramos: Stop. Encouraging. Him.
Hiro Suzuki: What about his most recent interview? That bit about his assistant--
Artemis Direction: Delacroix?
Hiro Suzuki: That’s the one. Does anyone else think that talk about his disappearance was a little…ominous?
Artemis Direction: It’s certainly a curiosity, and I suspect if there’s anything to it, we’ll hear more. Once a juicy little tidbit like that gets out, it’s hard to cover up again.
Del Ramos: Artemis I can practically hear you drooling.
Artemis Direction: My barbed wire angel, don’t you know gossip is one of the four food groups for a drag queen? It’s Gossip, Dior, Grey Goose, and Ben Nye, sweetness! A girl’s got to eat!
Del Ramos: Well, direct your attention to the ramp because I think we’re about to see your guy.
Kevin Kim: The following contest is set for one fall! Already in the ring with official Jill Kincaid is Big McLargehuge! Now coming to the ring from Cape Elizabeth, Maine weighing in at 219 pounds, he is ROY VALENTINE!
The Titan-tron comes to life with a kaleidoscopic vision of roses, irises, and peonies, a metal cover of Four Seasons (L'inverno, Winter), by Vivaldi filling the arena as the lights flash in shades of red, pink, white, and blue. A shower of petals sweeps across the entrance, carpeting the ramp in a fragrant layer of roses and jasmine. Roy crosses the threshold of the entrance, carrying a signature "Valentine Velvet" rose next to his heart. He takes a deep breath of the flower, tosses it into the crowd, and enters the ring, blowing a kiss to the audience with each hand.
Hiro Suzuki: Seems like Roy’s looking to put McLargehuge away once and floral!
Artemis Direction: Hmm. On second thought, dearest, maybe I was wrong about those puns...
Roy Valentine regards his opponent with raw, unmitigated contempt, his lip curled as if he’s caught the scent of an unpleasant odor. McLargehuge tenses as if about to lunge, but before he can, Valentine steps in and gives him a vicious back-hand chop across the chest! It’s as if Valentine is offended by McLargehuge’s very presence in the ring and wants to get him off of this hallowed ground! Not giving McLargehuge a chance to get his bearings, he quickly locks up with the man, tangling their arms and sliding close before sending him ass-over-teakettle with a swift hip toss!
Del Ramos: ...You know, flower boy might not be so bad after all.
With his opponent on the ground, Roy Valentine is unrelenting, backing up to get some momentum off the ropes before slamming into his opponent with a leg drop across the chest! As he pops back up to his feet, McLargehuge struggles to do the same.
Artemis Direction: Valentine isn’t giving his opponent a chance to get a move in!
Hiro Suzuki: That’s smart. McLargehuge might not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but that won’t matter if he lands a solid hit! Better take him out before he gets the opportunity.
Valentine closes back in to continue his assault, but it’s cut short as McLargehuge grabs the back of his head and hits him with a European uppercut! Staggering back, eyes alight with outrage that McLargehuge would dare land a hit on him, Roy Valentine comes at McLargehuge once more only to be slammed into the ground by a back body drop! McLargehuge goes for the pin!
One!
Two--
Kick out by Valentine!
Undeterred, his opponent still on the ground, McLargehuge looks to return the favor Valentine paid him with a leg drop of his own. But as he falls toward his target, Valentine catches hold of his leg near the knee and twists!
Artemis Direction: Oh, my goodness!
Del Ramos: Ohohoho...going after an old injury. That’s mean! I like it!
Big McLargehuge howls in pain as he collides with the mat, clutching his knee. Valentine gets to his feet, scowling at his opponent. He circles McLargehuge like a shark, beckoning for him to rise again. As he does, Valentine seizes McLargehuge, swinging one of his arms over his shoulders before lifting him, inverted, off of the canvas! His face contorts with the effort of holding the big man up, McLargehuge’s face turning bright red as the blood rushes there from his extremities. Finally, Roy Valentine brings him down hard with a vertical suplex piledriver!
Hiro Suzuki: Valentine hits him with the Red Crown!
Roy immediately goes for the pin!
One!
Two!
Three!
Kevin Kim: Your winner by pinfall, ROY VALENTINE!
Del Ramos: Well well well! Our fair rose might turn out to be Audrey II after all!
Artemis Direction: He’s more vicious than I expected.
Hiro Suzuki: It’s like they say - every rose has its thorn!
Artemis Direction: Here I thought we’d need to wait until the Lab Rat King or Zephyr Quinn stepped into the ring, but it looks like Roy’s got a bit of a mean streak all of his own.
Del Ramos: Good. The more bleeding brutality the better!
Artemis Direction: Well, lovely, if that’s what you’re after, I think this next match is just what the doctor ordered.
Del Ramos: Ohhh, believe me, I’ve been hungry for this one since I saw it on the menu.
Kevin Kim: The following match is set for one fall! Introducing first, already in the ring with official Godric Smith is Brick Hardcheese! And introducing his opponent, weighing in at 280 pounds from Portland, Oregon, accompanied to the ring by Grace King, he is THE LAB RAT KING!
The screens display a flickering, static-struck screen with the crowned rat logo, bone-white over a black and red spattered background as the first riffs of "Hail to the King" begin playing; when the first heavy thrums of rhythm guitar in the music strike, the logo shudders and glitches, electricity running through it from left to right like a broken heartbeat. Below the screens the entrance is flooded with rolling fog cast in blood-red light and white strobe lights that match the beat of the song and of the electric shock waves on the screen.
Where once the Lab Rat King would enter in chains, he now walks freely, his slow and deliberate steps taking him down toward the ring. There's something bestial about the way he moves, like an animated gargoyle; he's accompanied by his wife and valet, Grace King, who seems to keep him from lunging at the jeering crowd with nothing but a hand on his arm and a smirk of her own.
Once he reaches the ropes, Grace cranes up to give him a kiss on the muzzle, and he moves in an almost animalistic manner onto the mat, standing up slowly. He stares his opponent down, still except for the swell of his breath.
Hiro Suzuki: Talk about a Rodent of Unusual Size!
Del grins, rubbing her hands together.
Del Ramos: This is going to be good.
With all the confidence of a suburbanite first-year Philosophy student, Brick Hardcheese puffs up his posture and closes the distance to the Lab Rat King standing in the center of the ring, looking up at the towering Monster-man with fearless bravado. When the mutant doesn’t so much as move or react, Hardcheese takes a step back, and then lurches forward with a chop that can be heard all around the arena!
The Lab Rat King does not seem to care.
Del Ramos: Ahahahaha…
Artemis Direction: ...Oh...I don’t like how this is looking for Brick...
After the slightest sway from the impact of the blow, the monster growls low in his throat, grabbing Hardcheese under the jaw. A brief flash of panic crosses the smaller man’s face as he’s lifted off the ground, clutching the Lab Rat’s forearm, just to be hurled down into the canvas in a merciless chokeslam!
Del Ramos: AHAHAHAHA!
Hiro doesn’t even try cracking a joke, eyes wide behind his glasses, color leaving his face.
King doesn’t waste any time after that. He reaches down, grabbing Hardcheese by the boot, dragging him toward the corner of the ring. Hardcheese struggles to get some traction, kicking at King’s hand, which seems to work when the beast of a man drops his leg--but then rapidly proves to be a moot point as King hoists him up into the corner, seating him on the turnbuckle. The Lab Rat King is half laughing, half snarling as Hardcheese throws elbows into his muzzled face, eventually provoking him to deliver a vicious headbutt with a CRACK, stunning the smaller man. King climbs up onto the middle rope, hoisting Hardcheese over his shoulder, and--oh no.
There he goes.
Artemis Direction: WATCH YOUR HEADS!
Brick Hardcheese goes sailing over the front row railing, spilling bodily into the rows of seats on his back!
With a bruise swelling under his eye, the Lab Rat King watches from his perch on the ropes, unsurprised when the dispatched wrestler he threw into the third row does not get up.
Del Ramos: AHAHAHAHAHA! YES! YES!!
Godric Smith stands in the ring, gaping at the place where Brick fell. Shaking off the shock, he begins a ten count!
Hiro Suzuki: ...Sweet sassy molassy…
Artemis Direction: I don’t think Brick is getting up any time soon under his own power.
...8!
...9!
...10!
Kevin Kim: Here is your winner - THE LAB RAT KING!
Hiro Suzuki: Jesus…
Del Ramos: He had nothing to do with that. That was clearly Satan’s work.
Artemis Direction: And while our medical staff tries to figure out how to return a man’s entire skeletal system back into his body, please enjoy this message from the culinary division of Afsah Properties Incorporated!
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Never fear! Here at Afsah Properties Incorporated, we’ve got you covered! And we hope your health insurance does, too, because our new Afsah patented Hot Sauce Flight is going to burn you from the inside out, leaving only cinders where your internal organs once were! Select your favorite from among the best our pepper scientists have to offer, listed here from mildest to wildest:
Abuela’s Little Helper!
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Tell My Mother I Love Her!
Atomic Nightmarescape!
And, finally, La Chancla!
Try some today on chicken! Pizza! Nachos! The contact lens solution of your enemies! Order now from our affiliate link on the Ascended Wrestling website!
Now, back to the action!
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, this is your main event of the evening!
"Send Me An Angel," rings out as the fans in attendance pop. Zephyr Quinn comes out to the stage, Belle Silva at her side. A look of pure confidence crosses over Zephyr's face as she strolls to the ring with Belle trailing slightly behind her. She hops up lightly onto the apron as Belle climbs the stairs. Together the two enter the ring and pose in the center as the music fades.
Kevin Kim: Introducing for the first time, “The Crazy Angel” ZEPHYR QUINN! And her opponent, already in the ring, Beef Squat Thrust!
Artemis Direction: What a cute couple!
Del Ramos: Don’t let the facade fool you. Zephyr is quite ferocious in the ring.
Hiro Suzuki: That reminds me of a…
Del Ramos: Scorpions Suzuki, live scorpions.
Belle gets out of the ring after giving a quick peck on the cheek to Zephyr. As soon as the opening bell rings Zephyr gets a running start and leaps in the air, smacking Beef Squat aside the jaw with a massive punch! Beef Squat goes down hard and Zephyr makes a lackadaisical cover!
ONE!
TWO!
…
NO!
Beef Squat throws Zephyr off of him at the last instant and rolls to his feet, grabbing Zephyr by the throat and attempting to back Zephyr up into the corner! Quick on her feet, Zephyr drops down to a sitting position, ramming Beef Squat’s head right into the turnbuckle and forcing him to let go of his grip on Zephyr! Climbing out from the corner from between his legs, Zephyr quickly runs to the the opposite corner and charges back, delivering a massive chop block to the back of Beef Squat’s knee! He goes down and Zephyr scrambles out of the way as Belle cheers her on.
Hiro Suzuki: That move really chopped Beef Squat Thrust down to size!
Artemis Direction: Honey, no. The mark of a good comedian is having a good sense of timing.
Artemis and Hiro both look over at Del who has turned a shade of red usually reserved for tomatoes. Without another word, Hiro turns his attention back to the ring.
“The Crazy Angel” curses as Beef Squat rolls back to his knees, and climbs to his feet, albeit slowly. With a roar of rage he charges at Zephyr and sticks his arm out for a massive clothesline! Zephyr quickly grabs hold of his arm and wraps herself around his back, hooking his other arm with her legs and bringing the big man down with a modified crucifix! Woozy, Beef Squat takes a knee, trying to get his bearings as Zephyr curses the big man’s resiliency. Shrugging, she wastes no time and delivers a sleeper hold and wraps her legs around the big man’s torso. She cinches in the hold tightly and holds on for dear life as Beef Squat gets to his feet and backs up, catching Zephyr between him and the turnbuckle!
Del Ramos: The classics, always effective but hardly ever pretty!
Artemis Direction: I don’t think I’ve seen someone win with a sleeper hold in…
Hiro Suzuki: Is it because…
He stops as he gets a look from both Artemis and Del.
Hiro Suzuki: Right… Timing.
Zephyr pulls the hold tighter as Beef Squat’s face turns bright red. He takes a few steps to try and ram Zephyr into the corner again but Zephyr refuses to let go. She yells out for Beef Squat to fall asleep and the referee runs over as he finally takes a knee. Zephyr doesn’t care though and only tightens even further around Beef Squat’s neck! Beef Squat finally collapses and the referee raises his arm, only for it to fall like a weight onto the mat. The official calls for the bell and only then does Zephyr release the hold!
Kevin Kim: Your winner for Ascended Wrestling’s very first main event, ‘The Crazy Angel,’ ZEPHYR QUINN!
Artemis Direction: There you have it, babies! The first Ascended Wrestling Collision in the bag! Thank you for joining us this evening! Be sure to tune in for our next episode in two weeks! We’ve signed on a number of new talents you’re sure to want to watch in action!
Hiro Suzuki: Did I ever tell you about the time I got into a fight with Medusa?
Artemis Direction: No, lovely, what happened?
Hiro Suzuki: Well, at first I was afraid; I was petrified!
Del Ramos: That does it. Prepare yourself for the zesty spice of pepper spray, Suzuki.
Artemis Direction: Goodnight, everyone! See you next Collision!
Credits:
Insensate Video Package - Redacted
Zephyr Quinn Interview: Ampersand and Zephyr
LRK vs. Brick Hardcheese: Zen
Zephyr Quinn vs. Beef Squat Thrust: Zephyr
Everything else: Ampersand
Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for
Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor
And buried in your bones there's an ache that you can't ignore
Taking your breath, stealing your mind
And all that was real is left behind
Don't fight it, it's coming for you, running at ya
It's only this moment, don't care what comes after
Your fever dream, can't you see it getting closer
Just surrender 'cause you feel the feeling taking over
It's fire, it's freedom, it's flooding open
It's a preacher in the pulpit and your blind devotion
There's something breaking at the brick of every wall it's holding
All that you know, so tell me do you wanna go?
The lights come up, gold and white pyrotechnics firing off on either side of the ramp entrance, revealing the ring, ramp, and the broad screen of the Titan-tron. The Ascended Gladiators flash across it. Images of Zephyr Quinn and the Lab Rat King locked in battle in a cage of barbed wire, Silvio Leon performing a stunning corkscrew shooting star press, Roy Valentine walking through a shower of rose petals to a standing ovation from the crowd, Brendan Logan...doing his best, and Mara Lang locking the Twisted Nerve in on a screaming opponent.
Where it's covered in all the colored lights
Where the runaways are running the night
Impossible comes true, it's taking over you
Oh, this is the greatest show!
The camera sweeps over the crowd, a number of signs held up by the audience.
ZQ + LRK = MOTY
HI MOM!
ASCENDED ARMY!
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD!
At last, the camera’s view comes to rest on the commentator’s table. Three people are seated behind the mics. One is a statuesque, tawny-skinned woman with a regal blonde updo and boldly patterned blouse, the other is a middle-aged Japanese man with spectacles and a broad smile, and the last is an older Latinx woman with dark skin, a shock of auburn hair and bright red lipstick.
The woman in the patterned blouse speaks into the microphone.
Artemis Direction: Hello and welcome to the first episode of Collision! Ascended’s Wrestling’s biweekly show where we watch our Gladiators slay giants, win glory, and make history! Joining me on commentary are Hiro Suzuki!
The bespectacled man waves.
Hiro Suzuki: It’s so good to have you tune in to our program! You know, I was just watching a program about beavers the other day.
The woman with the red lipstick lets out a near-bestial growl.
Hiro Suzuki: It was the best dam documentary I’d ever watched!
Artemis Direction: And the lady beside me with murder in their eyes is Del Ramos!
Del Ramos: Suzuki, I am going to figure out a way to replace your blood with scorpions if it’s the last thing I do.
Hiro Suzuki: Oh, it sounds like you want to do a sting operation!
Del Ramos: I know a wholesaler, I could get them here by tomorrow.
Artemis Direction: Oh, Del, don’t scare him off right away. We wait until after the first date for the weird stuff! Anyway, we have quite a show for you tonight, darlings! We’re kicking things off with a Gladiator that’s near and dear to me, my drag child, Silvio Leon! He’ll be fighting Hot Dropkick whose fashion sense is...truly lamentable. I mean, sweetlings, have you seen that mask?
Del Ramos: Looks like a fucking poser. I’m looking forward to the second match. That Mara Lang chick gets it. This whole point of fighting is pain, after all. If people aren’t bleeding in agony, what’s the motherfucking point?
Hiro Suzuki: I feel like I can really get behind that Brendan Logan kid! You gotta give it to a guy who just...keeps trying and doing what he can! Even if he might not be good at it now, he just keeps going! I just know he’s going to show us what he can do against Brawn Johnson. I love an underdog story!
Artemis Direction: Speaking of, Hiro, sweetness, have they allowed you back into the comedy club to perform again yet? Didn’t you say you were banned?
Hiro Suzuki: It’s not so much that I’m banned as it is the guys doing the set threatened to drop a stage light on me if I touched the mic again.
Artemis Direction: Simply tragic. You know who I’m looking forward to? Roy Valentine! He has style. He has presence. I mean, you have to respect a man with the panache to include a shower of rose petals in his entrance.
Del Ramos: Roses aren’t going to help anyone against the sheer savagery of the last two matches. I’ve been waiting to see the Lab Rat King and Zephyr Quinn in action.
Del grins fiercely.
Del Ramos: I can’t get enough of those two. Their kind of bloodshed is what makes this whole operation worth running!
Hiro Suzuki: Del, circling back to what you were saying earlier, how do you know a scorpion wholesaler?
Del Ramos: I’m a former hardcore wrestler and a vocalist in a metal band. Use your imagination.
Artemis Direction: And with that, we take you to our ring announcer, Kevin Kim!
A dapper-looking gentleman with black hair and high cheekbones dressed in a navy-colored suit steps into the ring.
Kevin Kim: Ladies, gentlemen, and gentlethems, welcome to Ascended Wrestling! Our opening bout of the evening and the first of our promotion will be a standard rules singles match presided over by referee Godric Smith set for one fall! Already in the ring is our first competitor, Hot Dropkick!
With that, the lights in the Colosseum go out, the Titan-tron displaying a black and white image of a Ouija board lit by candles and surrounded by scattered tarot cards and raw crystals. A planchette's point moves of its own volition across the name, ‘Silvio Leon’ written in the classic Ouija font as the opening solo of ‘Superstition,’ by Kyle Primus goes careening around the arena. The entrance is bathed in blacklight, a figure moving through it to stand at the top of the ramp, lifting their hands in front of their face to create the shape of a planchette.
Kevin Kim: And his opponent! Now entering the ring from Seattle, Washington, weighing in at 195 pounds, he is your Mystifying Oracle, SILVIO LEON!
At the top of the ramp, Silvio throws down his hands, a pair of white pyros going off on either side of him as the house lights come back up. Making his way to the ring, he interacts heavily with the fans, giving them high fives, fist bumps, and taking selfies as he progresses. He does an acrobatic little flip over the top rope before landing on the canvas.
Artemis Direction: Awww my baby can really make an entrance!
Hiro Suzuki: He’s your son?
Artemis Direction: I’m his drag mother, lovely. I looked after him for a few years when he was getting on his feet after high school. He helped us with make-up and did some performing. I couldn’t let cheekbones that could cut glass go unutilized.
Del Ramos: Yeah, well, pretty boy’d better watch himself - or not. Either way, I want brutality.
DING DING!
The two competitors circle one another before locking up! The two seem equals in strength, neither able to overpower the other. Silvio shifts his weight and hooks one foot behind Dropkick’s ankle, yanking it out from under him and sending him to the mat He follows up quickly with a standing moonsault, Dropkick letting out a truncated, ‘Oof!’ before Leon goes for a cover.
One!
Tw--
And a kick out from Hot Dropkick!
Del Ramos: Come on, kid, let’s see some ferocity! Don’t make this quick!
The pair get to their feet again, Dropkick seeming annoyed at Leon’s attempt at a swift finish, the Oracle grinning at him cheekily, shrugging and saying something that looks like: ‘Can’t blame a guy for trying!’ Dropkick makes a grab at Silvio only for Leon to duck out of the way, seeming content to just dodge his opponent’s continued attempts at offense.
Artemis Direction: Silvio seems intent on humiliating poor Dropkick in front of the crowd tonight.
Positioning himself so he’s back-to-back with Dropkick, Silvio follows his opponent’s movements, the pair turning circles around the mat as Dropkick tries to meet the Oracle face-to-face again. With a roar of frustration, he takes a quick step forward, leaving Silvio briefly off balance before slamming his back against his opponent; Silvio’s face planting on the mat as Dropkick’s body falls on top of him. He goes for a cover!
One!
Two!
Thre--
Kick out from Leon!
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that reminds me of a joke! What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Del Ramos: Urge...to kill...world...rising…
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, sweetness, what did it say?
Hiro Suzuki: Dam!
Del Ramos: Rising!
Artemis Direction: Dear heart, that’s the second dam joke you’ve made this evening. Try shaking the punchline up a bit.
Del Ramos: RISING!
Hiro Suzuki: It looks like that’s what our competitors are doing in the ring!
Sure enough, Dropkick has caught hold of his opponent and is dragging him to his feet! Silvio is cringing, face smarting as Hot Dropkick spins him around, sending him into the ropes.
Del Ramos: Irish whip from Dropkick!
Dropkick hits Silvio with a lariat, sending him back to the mat! He follows quickly after, locking in an arm-trap triangle choke! Leon lets out a cry of pain, writhing in the hold before focusing and twisting to start kneeing Dropkick in the back of the head!
Artemis Direction: Come on, Sil!
Hiro Suzuki: Oooh Dropkick’s grip is loosening!
Silvio pops free of the hold, getting to his feet, Dropkick following suit. The two are at each other immediately, Silvio ducking under another attempt at a lariat, using his momentum to hit Dropkick in the back of the head again, this time with a spinning heel kick, slamming him face first into the mat! His opponent immobilized on the canvas, Silvio, breath ragged, points to the nearest top turnbuckle before beginning to climb.
Artemis Direction: Looks like Silvio’s setting up for the Color Out of Space! Dropkick is in trouble here if he doesn’t shake those cobwebs…
Del Ramos: YES, KID! DESTROY HIM!
Hiro and Artemis glance at one another and both lean just a little further away from Del, who has a manic grin below fiery eyes.
Dropkick begins to stir feebly, turning just in time to catch sight of Silvio Leon executing a flashy corkscrew shooting star press! He lets out a short cry as it connects, Silvio immediately going for the cover!
One!
Two!
Three!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: And your winner by pinfall is SILVIO LEON!
The Oracle’s hand is raised in victory, and the crowd roars its approval. As Hot Dropkick rolls out of the ring to head to the back, Silvio gestures for a mic, Kevin obliging him.
Silvio Leon: Hello, Seattle! It is so good to be back in the PNW!
The crowd thunders again!
Del Ramos: Cheap pop.
Artemis sighs and lightly bats the back of Del’s head.
Silvio Leon: Daddy’s home and he brought some friends along with him! For those of you who may be unfamiliar, first of all, happy to make your acquaintance, second of all, you are in for a treat! For your appetizer, y’got me - your friendly neighborhood spooky boi who flies through the air with the greatest of ease! Then there’s Mara Lang who I’m pretty sure is an escaped Cenobite. There’s Brendan who is...I’m sure he’s going to show us great stuff! And Roy Valentine? Don’t let the eloquence fool you - that rose has got some gnarly thorns! Which brings us to those near and dear to my heart. My very own tag partner for Team Hellbent, the Lab Rat King! If you all are down for some hardcore matches, just follow the wake of destruction my boy leaves behind into the Underworld. While you’re there, don’t be surprised if you run across an angelic acquaintance of mine, Zephyr Quinn! Those two still got some beef to settle, and babies you’re not gonna wanna miss it when that pops off.
The Colosseum fairly shakes with the cheers of the crowd, Silvio lifting the mic and turning in a circle, his free hand cupped around one ear as if he can’t quite hear them.
Smiling, he savors the cheers for a moment or two longer before he speaks again.
Silvio Leon: Thanks again for coming out, everyone! And for those of you at home - don’t touch that dial! If you’re looking for thrills, chills, spills, and wills at war, you’re exactly where you want to be. Have a good night, folks, tip your concessions staff, and check us out at the merch tables after the show!
Blowing a kiss and giving a wink, he slides out of the ring and heads back up the ramp.
Artemis Direction: Ah, my baby can still promote! I’m so proud.
Del Ramos: And now we’re getting to the good stuff! I like Lang’s style. If the agony’s absent, why even attend?
Kevin Kim: Our next match is a standard singles rules with referee Jill Kincaid set for one fall! Already in the ring is Buck Fruckster. And his opponent, weighing in at 185 pounds from Bellevue, Washington, MARA LANG!
The Titan-tron screen comes to life with what looks like a network of nerves branching out in silvery spikes, electrical impulses crackling through them along to the strains of, ‘Twisted Nerve,’ by Bernard Herrmann. Those impulses form the name, ‘Mara Lang,’ in shivering silver letters before they burst into brilliant sparks. The lights on either side of the entrance rotate, flashing white beams in an almost hypnotic pattern as Mara steps through to the top of the ramp. As the sharp whistling sound of Mara’s entrance music cuts through the air, the crowd is quieter than would be expected. There is something unwholesome about the way she strides to the ring, not a motion wasted. The only thing that would suggest any distraction from her destination is the motion of her eyes; casting back and forth among the assembled as if assessing them.
Hiro Suzuki: Eeesh. She’s creepy. Oh! Hey, that reminds me of a joke!
Del Ramos: Don’t ruin this for me, Suzuki.
Hiro Suzuki: What does a ghost panda eat for dinner?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Hiro Suzuki: Bam-boo!
Del Ramos: For the love of God, Jill, get this started or we are all going to be on the news tonight.
DING DING!
Mara and Buck circle each other. Mara’s steps practically glide along the canvas, her posture erect, one hand tucked behind her back, eyes never leaving her opponent. Buck’s motions are all the more coarse in comparison, the man prowling like an animal. Finally, he lunges, though Mara spins around him in a tight circle, delivering a discus back elbow to the back of his head. Continuing with the motion, she hits him in the chest with a backhand chop before swinging in beside him, tangling up their limbs and taking him down with a Russian Leg Sweep!
Artemis Direction: My, oh, my! Little Miss Hellraiser has a bit of a flow going!
Hiro Suzuki: I admit, I wasn’t expecting her to move like that.
Both opponents are up again, Buck more wary now, narrowing his eyes as Mara observes him like a cat watching its prey. They both fall in toward each other at once, tying up and exchanging holds, Mara’s face contorting now and then with effort, Buck letting out a snarl of anger before breaking free. As Mara comes at him again, he catches her by the arm, twisting her around into an arm trap neck breaker! As she tries to shake it off, Buck rises to his feet and comes back down on her with an elbow drop to the back.
Del Ramos: You can flow and dance all you want, but Buck here is showing us nothing beats raw brutality!
Artemis Direction: Looks like he’s setting her up for a figure-four leg lock!
Buck, on his feet again, grabs Mara’s legs and, with a few deft motions, falls onto the mat, locking in the submission! Mara cries out, grimacing in pain as the hold continues. Jill drops to the canvas, checking in with her, asking if she wants to submit, to which Mara shakes her head! Teeth set, brow beaded with sweat, determination written in her every excruciating motion, Lang begins to turn, starting to reverse the hold!
Hiro Suzuki: Look at that strength! That will!
Artemis Direction: Fruckster can’t believe it!
Mara’s opponent looks horrified, trying his best to wrestle Lang back into place but having no luck! Before he can break free, it’s too late - Mara has him caught in the hold, a smile playing across her features as she watches him cry out in pain.
Del Ramos: See! That’s it! Right there! She gets the sadism! I love it!
Before he can tap out, however, Mara releases the hold. Buck seethes in pain, legs moving stiffly. Unable to get them beneath him, he’s helpless as Mara rises to her knees, takes what appears to be a nitrile glove from her gear. She gloves up, grabs her opponent and drags him to his feet. He cries out, legs still aching, as she thrusts him into the nearest ring corner and shoves her hand into his mouth for her finisher, Novocaine!
Hiro Suzuki: Oof! Anyone else feeling some second hand pain here?
Del Ramos: I’m happy to upgrade it to first hand pain completely free of charge.
His screams muffled by the fingers pressing down on the nerves in his mouth, Fruckster frantically taps out!
DING DING DING!
As Buck slinks off to the back, Mara takes the mic from Kevin, not bothering to have her arm raised in victory.
Mara Lang: My dear test subjects.
Hiro Suzuki: Boy I wish I could unhear that.
Del Ramos: Now you know how everyone at your stand-up routines feel.
Mara Lang: While I look forward to seeing what kind of new and exciting experiments we can conduct, I understand some of you may be...hesitant about participation. But I think if you see just what we can achieve together, you’ll be much more confident in the outcomes I can provide.
Artemis Direction: Now what is this about?
Mara Lang: Pleasure and pain. Fear and delight. Agony and ecstasy. We are all of us subject to the whims of sensation. All of us helpless in the grip of our own bodies; betrayed by the very lightning that suspends our thoughts. But we do not have to be.
Mara gestures to the Titan-tron, which flickers and lights up to show a dark room where a figure sits in the dim.
Mara Lang: Meet my magnum opus. The master of his own pain. My Insensate.
The Insensate stands, moving silently through the shadows as he speaks, features obscured by the darkness as well as a mask.
The Insensate: Hello Ascended. I am but one of Mara’s experiments and will forever remain, the best. Pain and suffering. Ecstasy and delight. These are nothing more than sensations that after a while are… Interchangeable. Soon, I will show you all that pain is nothing more than a figment of your imagination while you whither and hope for the end; which will come slowly. No one is safe in Ascended whether it is pretend angels or lab experiments gone wrong. I don’t care who you think you are or what you’ll think you’ll do while in Ascended.
A hand reaches into a small sliver of light and all anyone can hear is the hiss of The Insensate.
The Insensate: Not even if you’re a prodigal son, returning home, with his fortune teller’s good spirits. As if nothing can touch him…
He hisses again but controls himself as the hand withdraws back into the shadows.
The Insensate: I will take your expectations and twist them into your worst nightmares. Soon Ascended. Soon...
Hiro Suzuki: …
Artemis Direction: …
Del Ramos: Fucking metal.
Artemis Direction: ...Well...ah...moving on with our evening, next up we have Brendan Logan versus Brawn Johnson!
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I just love how Brendan shows us that no matter what, you should never give up on your dreams! Even if you’re having a rough time, if you hang in there, it’ll all be worth it! You just have to keep trying!
Del Ramos: The fact you empathize so strongly with this guy tells me everything I need to know about you.
Kevin Kim: The following match is a standard singles rules competition set for one fall! Already in the ring with referee Godric Smith is Brawn Johnson! Joining us is his opponent, weighing in at 127 pounds...wait, is that right? Wow. Okay. Weighing in at 127 pounds, hailing from Hoboken, New Jersey, he is...BRENDAN LOGAN!
‘A Dangerous Man,’ by Foxy Shazam comes on over the sound system. The camera stays focused on the stage for a good long while. Brendan's nowhere to be seen and the music eventually cuts. The cameras search the arena and finally catch a shot of Brendan still getting his tights on with a burger in his mouth while he tries his best to run down the stairs through the crowd. His best isn't enough and he ends up tumbling down the stairs, clumsily slamming into the barricade, then standing with his tights finally all the way up. Brendan throws his arms up with a smile, then hops over the barricade and slides into the ring while his psychiatrist - Dr. Martina Gainor - heads down the ramp with her face buried in the palm of her hand and comes to a stop at Brendan's corner. The twosome have a quick conversation before Brendan prepares for action by curling up in his corner and taking a nice nap.
Del Ramos: ...You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Godric gives Martina a baffled look, the doctor sighing and rubbing her temples before kneeling and giving Brendan a gentle shake, looking to be speaking to him in a firm tone. He whines and bats at her with one hand. As she’s about to try to wake him again, Brawn Johnson grabs hold of Brendan and drags him to his feet. Startled, Martina leaves the ring, apprehension written on her features as Godric signals for the bell to be rung!
DING DING!
Brendan lets out a strangled yelp as he’s pulled upright, looking around frantically as if he has no idea where he is.
Artemis Direction: Is this...should we be allowing this to continue?
Hiro Suzuki: I’m sure it’s all part of his strategy!
Del Ramos: Is the strategy to get his ass handed to him?
In the ring, Johnson struggles briefly with a flailing Brendan, seeming more annoyed than anything else. He Irish whips him into the ropes, setting him up for a clothes line, but before he can reach his opponent, Brendan trips over his own feet, stumbling and colliding with the canvas, landing awkwardly on his shoulder.
Artemis Direction: Are we absolutely positive this is something we should let happen?
Del Ramos: Oh, this is going to be brutal.
Hiro Suzuki: Come on, Brendan! You can do this!
Johnson just stands there for a moment, staring at his opponent mewling on the canvas. He glances uncertainly at Godric who just shrugs and signals for them to continue. Raising his brows and shaking his head, Brawn Johnson goes to lift Brendan up only for his opponent to sit up suddenly, inadvertently head-butting Johnson right in his...Johnson.
Hiro Suzuki: Oooof…
Artemis Direction: Low blow, but...I don’t think that was on purpose.
Martina is cringing, pinching the bridge of her nose as Brawn Johnson crumples to the canvas clutching his groin. Brendan is rubbing the back of his head, looking bewildered when he notices his opponent writhing in pain. Perking up, he scrambles to his feet, climbing the nearest turnbuckle and going for a diving drop kick --
Hiro Suzuki: Thatta boy!
-- that promptly goes awry as he loses his footing, resulting in him nutting himself on the top turnbuckle.
Del Ramos: Do you think Afsah is trying to give Nguyen an aneurysm by hiring this guy?
Artemis Direction: Honey, I wouldn’t put it past him.
Aggravated, Johnson gets to his feet - a little gingerly at first - and stalks over to where Brendan is perched wobbling on the top turnbuckle. Seizing his arm, he pulls his own back and starts laying into him with some chops across the chest! Sympathetic, ‘Ooo’s' roll through the crowd. Brendan begins to weep in snotty, hiccuping sobs, his chest bright red from the impact of the blows. He rallies, trying to fight back with a flurry of punches that all miss.
Artemis Direction: I believe that one’s his, ‘Arms too Short to Box with God.’
Del Ramos: Jesus head-banging Christ.
Hiro Suzuki: I, uh...I’m sure there’s...a reason...oh boy.
Brawn looks disgusted, taking a step back and rolling his eyes. He goes to talk with Godric as Brendan goes for Studio Ghibli levels of ugly crying. Godric shakes his head, pointing back at Logan, assuring Johnson that, yes, this fight does need to continue. Brawn turns around, closing the space between himself and Brendan, looking to end things, when he suddenly wobbles and slips on a slick spot on the canvas, pitching forward and slamming his head hard against the second turnbuckle below Brendan.
Del Ramos: ...Did that fool just slip on a puddle of Logan’s fucking snot and tears?
Hiro Suzuki: I told you! There’s a method to the sadness--er, madness!
Brendan looks startled by the sudden shock to the post, but seeing his opponent out cold, he drops down and makes the pin!
One!
Two!
Three!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: Your, uh...winner by pinfall - BRENDAN LOGAN!
Artemis Direction: Well, that was certainly...something.
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like Johnson is still off in dreamland. Say, do you know what kinds of dreams hotels have?
Del Ramos: Every day I pray for you to experience the miracle of spontaneous combustion.
Hiro Suzuki: Suite dreams!
Del Ramos: Ugh. Well, I have to say while Lang’s commitment to inflicting pain was a highlight of the evening so far, I’m still missing out on some blood. Hopefully the next few matches will make up for it. I’ve got high hopes for that Rat guy. Have you seen his cage matches? Fucking vicious. I can’t wait for him to bring those here to the Colosseum.
Artemis Direction: We do have him coming up after Roy Valentine’s match. LRK and Quinn may be even more bloodthirsty than you, Del darling.
Del Ramos: Doubtful, but I look forward to seeing them rise to the occasion.
Artemis Direction: Speaking of, as we get ready for Roy Valentine vs. Big McLargehuge, please join Kevin Kim with Ascended Gladiator Zephyr Quinn!
Kevin has relocated to the backstage area, standing beside Zephyr, smiling.
Kevin Kim: Thanks for joining us, Ascended Army! I am here with Zephyr Quinn, one of our very first signees for Ascended Wrestling. How are you feeling ahead of your main event match tonight, Zephyr?
Zephyr smiles and cracks her neck slowly before leaning forward.
Zephyr Quinn: In a word, Kevin? Confident. I’ve encountered SO much throughout a short career that Beef Squat Thrust isn’t much of a hurdle in my eyes. Sure, I’m in the main event, but putting me against a guy whose name is just… What kind of name is that anyways?
She sighs and refocuses.
Zephyr Quinn: Give me someone memorable. I want to prove myself to Ascended higher ups and most importantly, the Ascended Army. Ascended hasn’t seen anything like me before and all I want is a chance to show that to all of you.
Kevin Kim: I’m sure you’ll make the most of any opportunities given you. You have quite a number of accomplishments under your belt already! Silvio Leon and Lab Rat King have made no secret about their goals here at Ascended. What do you have your sights set on?
Zephyr shifts as a mischievous grin dances over her features.
Zephyr Quinn: I think my resume speaks for itself in terms of the type of wrestler I am. Toss me into a normal, boring, match with all the rules and I’ll make the best of it. Let me do what I want? That’s when the real magic happens. That said, first shows need big announcements, so here’s my own. That Underworld Title? It’s going to come home with me. I don’t care if I lose it later on, King and I do have unfinished business after all; but I WILL have my name on the list of champions first. I will lay my hands on that gold before anyone else and King?
She looks deadpan into the camera.
Zephyr Quinn: That includes you.
Satisfied, she sits back in her chair, her gaze back on Kevin.
Kevin nods, raising a brow.
Kevin Kim: I’m sure King will have a few things to say about that. Whether or not anyone will understand them is anyone’s guess, but I’m sure he wants to settle the score between you two sans interference this time around.
Suddenly uncomfortable, Zephyr’s gaze shifts to a spot behind the camera before back to Kevin.
Zephyr Quinn: That is the goal, yes. There is a short list of people who have stood toe to toe with King and have earned his respect. There’s an even shorter list of people who have stepped into the ring with him and survived, let alone get a pinfall over him. Another proclamation, I guess you could call it, is that I swear on everything good and holy, I’ll be the first to get an unassisted pinfall over him. Whatever. It. Takes.
Her words are pointed and as she gives her answer, Zephyr’s eyes once again drift to an unseen spot off stage. She let’s the silence fall, heavy for only a few seconds before she laughs.
Zephyr Quinn: King likes to think he’s unbeatable. I’m here to prove that I’m the exception to that rule.
Kevin Kim: You’re no stranger to hardcore and more creative matches, as you’ve mentioned. What would your dream set up for this reckoning be?
Zephyr taps on her chin with a finger, as if to think over her words carefully.
Zephyr Quinn: That’s a tough one Kevin, congrats! Honestly though, I’ve seen a lot and done even more. I want to be a part of something different. Something new to catch everyone’s attention. Something that can become part of my ‘wrestling legacy’ as it were. It sounds like a cop out answer, but when I said, ‘whatever it takes,’ I meant it. I don’t care about the stipulations, I want that belt first, and I want to beat King at his own game. Everything else? It’s part of the journey.
Zephyr winks at Kevin and falls silent.
Kevin Kim: Well, I definitely think you’re going to get that opportunity! As one of the people poised to shape Ascended Wrestling, what do you want to see more of in the pro-wrestling world you aren’t seeing now, and how do you want to help bring it about?
This time Zephyr actually looks stumped. She blinks at Kevin briefly and then stammers before answering.
Zephyr Quinn: That’s a uh… Interesting question. I guess I never really thought about it? Off the top of my head though I’d say having more of an acceptance all around for hardcore wrestlers and the divisions they represent. A lot of times that style is frowned upon, hailed ‘too violent’ for the average viewer. I get it, but I feel like the division should be put on the same pedestal as any kind of ‘World Title.’
She pauses before adding.
Zephyr Quinn: To answer your next question? I never pictured myself a leader of any kind of movement. But if we were to put me in charge of the revolution? I’d do everything in my power to deliver the type of match one would expect from a high caliber match. It’s one thing to say that you’re in the main event and it’s a completely new game when you try to BE the main event. It takes all participants, not just one person to make a great main event, so believe me when I say I’ll be pushing each and every one of my opponents to be that much better.
She sits back in her chair, satisfied with her answer.
Kevin Kim: Awesome! Well, thank you so much for your time, Zephyr. Can’t wait to see you later this evening! Until then, folks, make sure to support me on my podcast Gimmick Infringement, where you can catch more interviews with upcoming Ascended talent! Download it on Spotify, Amazon Music, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts! Also, be sure to hit me up on my Patreon to support my wrestling action figure habit and help me buy a couch for my new apartment! Sitting on hardwood sucks. Back to you at the commentator’s table, Artemis!
Artemis Direction: Thank you, darling! Kevin does clean up so nicely.
Del Ramos: Does he keep trying to get you to call him, ‘Kev’?
Artemis Direction: Yes, and I absolutely will not.
Hiro Suzuki: Me, either. Del, you used to be a hardcore wrestler. What do you think of Zephyr’s goal to become our first Underworld Champion?
Del Ramos: I’d say she’s definitely got it in her. I’ve seen her other matches and she’s right about knowing how to make them interesting. There’s nothing that can’t become a weapon in her hands! It’s so fucking brutal! If you want to be a good hardcore wrestler, you need to know how to be resourceful, and she’s got that down. You need to know how to wring as much blood-soaked entertainment from the fight as possible. People who look down on our style are just jealous they can’t hang or they’re too worried about messing up their bodies.
Artemis Direction: There is an increased risk of injury. Plenty of wrestlers have sadly had to cut their careers short because of incidents in the ring. You can’t really blame them for shying away from that sort of fighting.
Del frowns, waving off Artemis’ concerns.
Del Ramos: Fuck that. Listen, we know what we’re getting into when we sign up to do this for a living. The way I look at it? You can play it safe and have decades of okay matches that get the job done but don’t really help you reach your full, glorious gory potential. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have a shorter career as a wrestler fighting the fights I wanna fight full of guts and glory than a lifetime of mediocrity. I know most people don’t agree, but if you got that fire in your veins and you want that blood-soaked brass ring, it’s a feeling you can’t ignore. If you try, it’ll eat you alive, so you may as well ride that wave instead of fighting against it. That’s what I see in King and Quinn.
Hiro Suzuki: Hey, that’s kinda funny, isn’t it? They’re a King and a Quinn!
Del Ramos: I will murder your entire family.
Artemis Direction: Our next match is one I’ve had on my mind! Roy Valentine is such a get for Ascended. He’s really quite the Renaissance man, wouldn’t you say? I took a little time to look into his botanical-based business empire, and I’m impressed.
Hiro Suzuki: I hear his perfumes are simply iris-istible!
Artemis Direction: That one wasn’t too bad, honey! Maybe puns are your calling.
Del Ramos: Stop. Encouraging. Him.
Hiro Suzuki: What about his most recent interview? That bit about his assistant--
Artemis Direction: Delacroix?
Hiro Suzuki: That’s the one. Does anyone else think that talk about his disappearance was a little…ominous?
Artemis Direction: It’s certainly a curiosity, and I suspect if there’s anything to it, we’ll hear more. Once a juicy little tidbit like that gets out, it’s hard to cover up again.
Del Ramos: Artemis I can practically hear you drooling.
Artemis Direction: My barbed wire angel, don’t you know gossip is one of the four food groups for a drag queen? It’s Gossip, Dior, Grey Goose, and Ben Nye, sweetness! A girl’s got to eat!
Del Ramos: Well, direct your attention to the ramp because I think we’re about to see your guy.
Kevin Kim: The following contest is set for one fall! Already in the ring with official Jill Kincaid is Big McLargehuge! Now coming to the ring from Cape Elizabeth, Maine weighing in at 219 pounds, he is ROY VALENTINE!
The Titan-tron comes to life with a kaleidoscopic vision of roses, irises, and peonies, a metal cover of Four Seasons (L'inverno, Winter), by Vivaldi filling the arena as the lights flash in shades of red, pink, white, and blue. A shower of petals sweeps across the entrance, carpeting the ramp in a fragrant layer of roses and jasmine. Roy crosses the threshold of the entrance, carrying a signature "Valentine Velvet" rose next to his heart. He takes a deep breath of the flower, tosses it into the crowd, and enters the ring, blowing a kiss to the audience with each hand.
Hiro Suzuki: Seems like Roy’s looking to put McLargehuge away once and floral!
Artemis Direction: Hmm. On second thought, dearest, maybe I was wrong about those puns...
DING DING!
Roy Valentine regards his opponent with raw, unmitigated contempt, his lip curled as if he’s caught the scent of an unpleasant odor. McLargehuge tenses as if about to lunge, but before he can, Valentine steps in and gives him a vicious back-hand chop across the chest! It’s as if Valentine is offended by McLargehuge’s very presence in the ring and wants to get him off of this hallowed ground! Not giving McLargehuge a chance to get his bearings, he quickly locks up with the man, tangling their arms and sliding close before sending him ass-over-teakettle with a swift hip toss!
Del Ramos: ...You know, flower boy might not be so bad after all.
With his opponent on the ground, Roy Valentine is unrelenting, backing up to get some momentum off the ropes before slamming into his opponent with a leg drop across the chest! As he pops back up to his feet, McLargehuge struggles to do the same.
Artemis Direction: Valentine isn’t giving his opponent a chance to get a move in!
Hiro Suzuki: That’s smart. McLargehuge might not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but that won’t matter if he lands a solid hit! Better take him out before he gets the opportunity.
Valentine closes back in to continue his assault, but it’s cut short as McLargehuge grabs the back of his head and hits him with a European uppercut! Staggering back, eyes alight with outrage that McLargehuge would dare land a hit on him, Roy Valentine comes at McLargehuge once more only to be slammed into the ground by a back body drop! McLargehuge goes for the pin!
One!
Two--
Kick out by Valentine!
Undeterred, his opponent still on the ground, McLargehuge looks to return the favor Valentine paid him with a leg drop of his own. But as he falls toward his target, Valentine catches hold of his leg near the knee and twists!
Artemis Direction: Oh, my goodness!
Del Ramos: Ohohoho...going after an old injury. That’s mean! I like it!
Big McLargehuge howls in pain as he collides with the mat, clutching his knee. Valentine gets to his feet, scowling at his opponent. He circles McLargehuge like a shark, beckoning for him to rise again. As he does, Valentine seizes McLargehuge, swinging one of his arms over his shoulders before lifting him, inverted, off of the canvas! His face contorts with the effort of holding the big man up, McLargehuge’s face turning bright red as the blood rushes there from his extremities. Finally, Roy Valentine brings him down hard with a vertical suplex piledriver!
Hiro Suzuki: Valentine hits him with the Red Crown!
Roy immediately goes for the pin!
One!
Two!
Three!
DING DING DING!
Del Ramos: Well well well! Our fair rose might turn out to be Audrey II after all!
Artemis Direction: He’s more vicious than I expected.
Hiro Suzuki: It’s like they say - every rose has its thorn!
Artemis Direction: Here I thought we’d need to wait until the Lab Rat King or Zephyr Quinn stepped into the ring, but it looks like Roy’s got a bit of a mean streak all of his own.
Del Ramos: Good. The more bleeding brutality the better!
Artemis Direction: Well, lovely, if that’s what you’re after, I think this next match is just what the doctor ordered.
Del Ramos: Ohhh, believe me, I’ve been hungry for this one since I saw it on the menu.
Kevin Kim: The following match is set for one fall! Introducing first, already in the ring with official Godric Smith is Brick Hardcheese! And introducing his opponent, weighing in at 280 pounds from Portland, Oregon, accompanied to the ring by Grace King, he is THE LAB RAT KING!
The screens display a flickering, static-struck screen with the crowned rat logo, bone-white over a black and red spattered background as the first riffs of "Hail to the King" begin playing; when the first heavy thrums of rhythm guitar in the music strike, the logo shudders and glitches, electricity running through it from left to right like a broken heartbeat. Below the screens the entrance is flooded with rolling fog cast in blood-red light and white strobe lights that match the beat of the song and of the electric shock waves on the screen.
Where once the Lab Rat King would enter in chains, he now walks freely, his slow and deliberate steps taking him down toward the ring. There's something bestial about the way he moves, like an animated gargoyle; he's accompanied by his wife and valet, Grace King, who seems to keep him from lunging at the jeering crowd with nothing but a hand on his arm and a smirk of her own.
Once he reaches the ropes, Grace cranes up to give him a kiss on the muzzle, and he moves in an almost animalistic manner onto the mat, standing up slowly. He stares his opponent down, still except for the swell of his breath.
Hiro Suzuki: Talk about a Rodent of Unusual Size!
Del grins, rubbing her hands together.
Del Ramos: This is going to be good.
DING DING!
With all the confidence of a suburbanite first-year Philosophy student, Brick Hardcheese puffs up his posture and closes the distance to the Lab Rat King standing in the center of the ring, looking up at the towering Monster-man with fearless bravado. When the mutant doesn’t so much as move or react, Hardcheese takes a step back, and then lurches forward with a chop that can be heard all around the arena!
The Lab Rat King does not seem to care.
Del Ramos: Ahahahaha…
Artemis Direction: ...Oh...I don’t like how this is looking for Brick...
After the slightest sway from the impact of the blow, the monster growls low in his throat, grabbing Hardcheese under the jaw. A brief flash of panic crosses the smaller man’s face as he’s lifted off the ground, clutching the Lab Rat’s forearm, just to be hurled down into the canvas in a merciless chokeslam!
Del Ramos: AHAHAHAHA!
Hiro doesn’t even try cracking a joke, eyes wide behind his glasses, color leaving his face.
King doesn’t waste any time after that. He reaches down, grabbing Hardcheese by the boot, dragging him toward the corner of the ring. Hardcheese struggles to get some traction, kicking at King’s hand, which seems to work when the beast of a man drops his leg--but then rapidly proves to be a moot point as King hoists him up into the corner, seating him on the turnbuckle. The Lab Rat King is half laughing, half snarling as Hardcheese throws elbows into his muzzled face, eventually provoking him to deliver a vicious headbutt with a CRACK, stunning the smaller man. King climbs up onto the middle rope, hoisting Hardcheese over his shoulder, and--oh no.
There he goes.
Artemis Direction: WATCH YOUR HEADS!
Brick Hardcheese goes sailing over the front row railing, spilling bodily into the rows of seats on his back!
With a bruise swelling under his eye, the Lab Rat King watches from his perch on the ropes, unsurprised when the dispatched wrestler he threw into the third row does not get up.
Del Ramos: AHAHAHAHAHA! YES! YES!!
Godric Smith stands in the ring, gaping at the place where Brick fell. Shaking off the shock, he begins a ten count!
Hiro Suzuki: ...Sweet sassy molassy…
Artemis Direction: I don’t think Brick is getting up any time soon under his own power.
...8!
...9!
...10!
DING DING DING!
Hiro Suzuki: Jesus…
Del Ramos: He had nothing to do with that. That was clearly Satan’s work.
Artemis Direction: And while our medical staff tries to figure out how to return a man’s entire skeletal system back into his body, please enjoy this message from the culinary division of Afsah Properties Incorporated!
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Never fear! Here at Afsah Properties Incorporated, we’ve got you covered! And we hope your health insurance does, too, because our new Afsah patented Hot Sauce Flight is going to burn you from the inside out, leaving only cinders where your internal organs once were! Select your favorite from among the best our pepper scientists have to offer, listed here from mildest to wildest:
Abuela’s Little Helper!
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Tell My Mother I Love Her!
Atomic Nightmarescape!
And, finally, La Chancla!
Try some today on chicken! Pizza! Nachos! The contact lens solution of your enemies! Order now from our affiliate link on the Ascended Wrestling website!
Now, back to the action!
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, this is your main event of the evening!
"Send Me An Angel," rings out as the fans in attendance pop. Zephyr Quinn comes out to the stage, Belle Silva at her side. A look of pure confidence crosses over Zephyr's face as she strolls to the ring with Belle trailing slightly behind her. She hops up lightly onto the apron as Belle climbs the stairs. Together the two enter the ring and pose in the center as the music fades.
Kevin Kim: Introducing for the first time, “The Crazy Angel” ZEPHYR QUINN! And her opponent, already in the ring, Beef Squat Thrust!
Artemis Direction: What a cute couple!
Del Ramos: Don’t let the facade fool you. Zephyr is quite ferocious in the ring.
Hiro Suzuki: That reminds me of a…
Del Ramos: Scorpions Suzuki, live scorpions.
Belle gets out of the ring after giving a quick peck on the cheek to Zephyr. As soon as the opening bell rings Zephyr gets a running start and leaps in the air, smacking Beef Squat aside the jaw with a massive punch! Beef Squat goes down hard and Zephyr makes a lackadaisical cover!
ONE!
TWO!
…
NO!
Beef Squat throws Zephyr off of him at the last instant and rolls to his feet, grabbing Zephyr by the throat and attempting to back Zephyr up into the corner! Quick on her feet, Zephyr drops down to a sitting position, ramming Beef Squat’s head right into the turnbuckle and forcing him to let go of his grip on Zephyr! Climbing out from the corner from between his legs, Zephyr quickly runs to the the opposite corner and charges back, delivering a massive chop block to the back of Beef Squat’s knee! He goes down and Zephyr scrambles out of the way as Belle cheers her on.
Hiro Suzuki: That move really chopped Beef Squat Thrust down to size!
Artemis Direction: Honey, no. The mark of a good comedian is having a good sense of timing.
Artemis and Hiro both look over at Del who has turned a shade of red usually reserved for tomatoes. Without another word, Hiro turns his attention back to the ring.
“The Crazy Angel” curses as Beef Squat rolls back to his knees, and climbs to his feet, albeit slowly. With a roar of rage he charges at Zephyr and sticks his arm out for a massive clothesline! Zephyr quickly grabs hold of his arm and wraps herself around his back, hooking his other arm with her legs and bringing the big man down with a modified crucifix! Woozy, Beef Squat takes a knee, trying to get his bearings as Zephyr curses the big man’s resiliency. Shrugging, she wastes no time and delivers a sleeper hold and wraps her legs around the big man’s torso. She cinches in the hold tightly and holds on for dear life as Beef Squat gets to his feet and backs up, catching Zephyr between him and the turnbuckle!
Del Ramos: The classics, always effective but hardly ever pretty!
Artemis Direction: I don’t think I’ve seen someone win with a sleeper hold in…
Hiro Suzuki: Is it because…
He stops as he gets a look from both Artemis and Del.
Hiro Suzuki: Right… Timing.
Zephyr pulls the hold tighter as Beef Squat’s face turns bright red. He takes a few steps to try and ram Zephyr into the corner again but Zephyr refuses to let go. She yells out for Beef Squat to fall asleep and the referee runs over as he finally takes a knee. Zephyr doesn’t care though and only tightens even further around Beef Squat’s neck! Beef Squat finally collapses and the referee raises his arm, only for it to fall like a weight onto the mat. The official calls for the bell and only then does Zephyr release the hold!
DING DING DING!
Kevin Kim: Your winner for Ascended Wrestling’s very first main event, ‘The Crazy Angel,’ ZEPHYR QUINN!
Artemis Direction: There you have it, babies! The first Ascended Wrestling Collision in the bag! Thank you for joining us this evening! Be sure to tune in for our next episode in two weeks! We’ve signed on a number of new talents you’re sure to want to watch in action!
Hiro Suzuki: Did I ever tell you about the time I got into a fight with Medusa?
Artemis Direction: No, lovely, what happened?
Hiro Suzuki: Well, at first I was afraid; I was petrified!
Del Ramos: That does it. Prepare yourself for the zesty spice of pepper spray, Suzuki.
Artemis Direction: Goodnight, everyone! See you next Collision!
Credits:
Insensate Video Package - Redacted
Zephyr Quinn Interview: Ampersand and Zephyr
LRK vs. Brick Hardcheese: Zen
Zephyr Quinn vs. Beef Squat Thrust: Zephyr
Everything else: Ampersand