Post by Ampersand on Jan 13, 2022 8:32:16 GMT
The lights are pulsing in time with the escalating urgency of the rhythm of the song that rings through the Colosseum, images of the Ascended roster flashing up on the big screen.
Kyle Beckett is punishing a speed bag in the Ascended training area, his eyes steely. He glances up at movement near the door, watching as Viola Williams steps into the gym. As she approaches, starting to greet him, Kyle just turns, picks up his things, and starts out of the training area with clipped steps. Williams watches him go, posture tense, before stalking over to a punching bag and taking a swing so strong it causes the bag to spring a leak, sand spilling out onto the floor. Observing from the doorway stands a statuesque woman with flowing red hair, poisonous green eyes, and a curious expression. Mara Lang takes another moment to watch Viola before continuing down the hallway.
Roy Valentine is sitting in a conference room with Anastasia Keller, a laptop before him. Mara soon enters, her observation of Williams a mere rest stop on her way to her destination. Roy greets her graciously and as they have a seat, Keller flips off the light, a screen is lowered at the head of the room, and a projection of what appear to be diagnostics and measurements appears, the presentation featuring a portrait of David O’Toole.
SKUP9 and Sebastian Hawke are in the Ascended Colosseum ring, the pair practicing together. Sometimes they trade blows, discussing possible tactics their opponents may use, and other times they work on their tandem moves. Hawke launches himself off of SKUP’s shoulders in a stunning twisting plancha, spinning through the air like a dervish! The view cuts to Annie Logan emerging from what appears to be a basement club or dive bar. She glances at a nearby promotional flyer for the fight she’ll be having with Davie. Smirking, she takes a sharpie from her pocket, making a few creative, distinctly Oz-inspired artistic flourishes to Ascended’s resident scarecrow, scrawling out, ‘IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN’ below her masterpiece. The scene then cuts to an image of the Valentine Estate. There is an illuminated window bright on the dark, stony walls from the outside, a silhouette framed there. As it turns, shifting as if to look at the camera, the lights in the window go out.
At the announcer’s table sit Del Ramos, Artemis Direction, and Hiro Suzuki.
Del Ramos: Welcome to another edition of Ascended Wrestling’s Collision, you havoc-hungry demons. Joining me tonight is the diva of drag delights, Artemis Direction…
Artemis waves daintily.
Artemis Direction: ‘evening, hunties!
Del Ramos: And hernia with shoes, Hiro Suzuki.
Hiro Suzuki: Let me just pop out to say hello, Ascended Army!
Del looks at Hiro as if gauging which of his limbs will detach most easily.
Artemis Direction: Such an exciting show tonight, darlings! We’re going to see a major foray into tag team wrestling with our first three matches!
Hiro Suzuki: Viola Williams is new to the roster, but she made quite a splash in her debut, and certainly held her own in the Emerald City Championship elimination match at our Jingle Bell Bash PPV!
Del Ramos: She’s got beef with Valentine and they added a little extra spice to the mix.
Artemis Direction: That’s right! Even though you could only be eliminated by going over the top rope, they challenged one another for that little rose pin Valentine accused Williams of stealing. A pin for a pin!
Hiro Suzuki: Williams might have won her bet with Valentine, but it probably cost her a title shot.
Del Ramos: You don’t get it, Suzuki. It’s not the gold around your waist, it’s the blood on your knuckles.
Hiro Suzuki: Viola wasn’t the only one in that fight, though! The man tagging with her tonight also fought in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rumble Part I!
Artemis Direction: Culture Clash Kyle Beckett! Darlings, I love to watch that boy work!
Hiro Suzuki: He and Williams had a few moments in that fight that could hint at some greater collaboration.
Del Ramos: We’ll see about that, Suzuki. You get a couple of kids in there, hungry with ambition, they might see more value in using this as a showcase for themselves as individuals than as a team.
Hiro tugs at his tie nervously.
Hiro Suzuki: I’m honestly a little more upset about the compatibility of our next fighters…
Del smirks.
Del Ramos: It was only a matter of time before we got to see Little Lord Fauntleroy team up with Dr. Frankenstein.
Artemis frowns, shaking her head.
Artemis Direction: I really did want to like Roy, but he shows extremely poor taste in his associates as well as how he treats his employees!
Hiro Suzuki: Valentine teaming up with Lang is just… terrifying.
Del Ramos: What, you afraid Lang’s gonna show Valentine how to make Audrey II bigger, hungrier, and airborne?
The color leaves Hiro’s face, the idea of monstrous, carnivorous plants traveling in determined, blood-seeking green flocks, something he had not taken into account as a possibility. Clearly it is proving a bit overwhelming for the aspiring comedian.
Artemis Direction: Valentine’s effort scored him an Emerald City title shot, but he wasn’t able to take it off Hawke.
Del Ramos: Heh! Not for lack of trying.
Hiro snaps out of his daze.
Hiro Suzuki: Right! We had our first time out for a match!
Artemis Direction: Both men left everything in the ring that night. And considering Roy had a fight prior to the one with Hawke that very night? Well, you have to give credit where it’s due, darlings!
Del Ramos: Lang wasn’t any slouch, herself.
Artemis has a self-satisfied little smirk on her face.
Artemis Direction: Maybe not, but I must say I was quite pleased with how her elimination went down.
Del Ramos: Knocked ass over tea kettle when she wasn’t looking by the guy she’d been fighting beside only seconds before, securing him a shot against the Rat.
Del cackles.
Del Ramos: I love it.
Artemis Direction: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer waste of air. But, moving on to worthwhile human beings!
Hiro Suzuki: SKUP9 and Sebastian Hawke! That’s an interesting pairing.
Del Ramos: Those little guy, big guy teams can make for some vicious tandem moves. Especially if they don’t give much of a damn for the state of the little guy’s bones. Nothing quite like hitting a motherfucker with another motherfucker.
Artemis Direction: As entertaining as playing ‘pillow fight’ with human bodies is, sweetness, I doubt we’ll be seeing any of that from those two.
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I left my phone under my pillow the other night, and when I woke up the next day it was gone!
Artemis Direction: Really, now?
Hiro Suzuki: Guess I got a visit from the Bluetooth Fairy!
Del Ramos: Look, if you’re hurtin’ for money and want the real deal to put under there for some cash, I can give you a hand with loosening a few molars.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9 and Hawke both fought with titles on the line at our last PPV! Although SKUP didn’t capture the world title, he had an incredible showing! I love my child, but he made it out by the skin of his teeth. Maybe the Jingle Bell Bash wasn’t quite the Eliminator’s time, but I feel like it’s not that long a wait, darlings.
Hiro Suzuki: Meanwhile, Hawke is going out there and doing what he can to show everyone what it means to be a champion.
Artemis Direction: He wants to do Ascended proud, and I’d say he’s certainly meeting his goal!
Del Ramos: That fucker held on against some of Valentine’s most brutal offense. You gotta give it up for him.
Artemis Direction: We saw similar endurance from his protege, David O’Toole, in his fight against the Lab Rat King!
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like King got even with O’Toole for the loss at With the Lights Out!
Del rumbles with pleasure.
Del Ramos: Fuck yes he did! Any day I can see a human being explode through a table is a good fuckin’ day in my book.
Artemis Direction: Well it looks like O’Toole’s a bit of a glutton for punishment! He’s facing off against Annie Logan, whose debut was just sensational!
Del Ramos: We got so many powerful bitches on this roster. I can’t wait to see more from this one.
Artemis Direction: O’Toole has shown us he’s a force to be reckoned with, but the fire Ms. Logan demonstrated in that promo of hers! Absolutely delicious, darlings!
Hiro Suzuki: Won’t be long before we get to it! Right now it looks like we’re ready to get into it in the ring for our first match!
Kevin Kim stands in the center of the ring, mic in hand.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army this is your opening match of the evening! In the ring with me already, they are the team of Big McLargeHuge and Buck Fruckster, HUGE FRUCKING DEAL!
The pair flex and try to fire up the crowd, to tepid response.
Del Ramos: Sweet Satan and all his unholy works, these two are like ambulatory sacks of meat and disappointment.
Hiro starts to open his mouth when Del interrupts him.
Del Ramos: I swear to Asmodeus, I will rip off your lower jaw and use it to castrate you if you tell a ball sack joke.
Hiro promptly closes his mouth and settles back into his seat.
Kevin Kim: And their opponents! Introducing first!
Lights fade on the first quiet bars of Centuries then flare to life with the swelling of the music; Viola Williams steps out in black boots, leggings, and a purple crop top. She grins and starts making her way down to the ring, nodding her head to the beat and taking in the reactions from the crowd with unabashed awe.
Kevin Kim: From Baltimore, Maryland, weighing in at 160 pounds, she is Viola Williams, LEGACY!
She turns to a nearby camera and gives a small salute, then taps her thumb to her forehead twice with an open hand—a small sign to her dad back home. Then she picks up the pace, jogging, then running until she gets to the ring and climbs up onto the ropes. She turns to the audience and throws her arms out, grinning and pumping her fist at the response.
Artemis Direction: Williams demonstrated some admirable strength both in her debut and in her fight at the PPV!
Del Ramos: Like I was saying - powerful bitches. I wanna see this place lousy with ‘em.
Kevin Kim: And her partner!
“Stick to Your Guns” hits and Kyle stands at the top of the entrance ramp, bent slightly forward and arms crossed. He drops the hood of his jacket and throws his arms out wide, letting out an excited roar to the crowd. He looks around to take in the arena before striding down the ramp.
Kevin Kim: From Brisbane, Australia, and weighing in at 91kg, he is the “Culture Clash,” KYLE BECKETT!
Kyle ascends the ring apron, looking out to the arena again, and climbs to the top of the turnbuckle. His “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” is answered with a resounding “Oi oi oi!” from the Ascended Army.
Viola Williams and McLargeHuge are squaring up first, the pair circling each other before locking up. McLargeHuge wants simply to be able to overpower Williams and seems frustrated that he can’t; his smaller opponent easily holding her own. With a snarl, he breaks free, shoving her backward to put some space between them, but as Viola staggers backward toward her corner, Kyle Beckett blind tags himself in! Williams looks at him quizzically, but swaps out with her partner, who uses the ropes to propel himself forward, slamming into Big with a forearm smash that sends him staggering! Keeping on the pressure, Kyle steps back just enough to give himself room for a calf kick that sends McLargeHuge to the mat! Beckett goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Big!
Artemis Direction: I don’t think that Williams expected to be tagged out right away…
Del Ramos: Oooh… little trouble in paradise with these two?
It seems that may be the case. As Big goes to tag in Fruckster, Vi offers her hand for Kyle to tag, but the Culture Clash pointedly ignores her, instead launching himself at Buck with a standing drop kick! Viola looks annoyed as Beckett climbs to his feet, finding Fruckster right up on his feet with him! Buck whips Beckett into the ropes, but as he comes hurtling back, Kyle hits him with the Reality Check! Kyle goes for a pin!
ONE!
TW–
Kick out from Fruckster!
Beckett rolls to his feet, breathing a bit harder now. Viola calls for him to make the tag back in his corner, the annoyance clear on her face as Kyle paces a circle around the dazed Fruckster and hits him with a leg drop!
Artemis Direction: I think it’s safe to say Viola is not pleased with her level of participation in the match.
Hiro Suzuki: Reminds me of the fight I had with my partner of the trampoline I had installed in our bedroom.
Artemis Direction: Sounds rather exciting if you ask me, sweetness. Just imagine the possibilities!
Hiro Suzuki: She definitely doesn’t share your outlook, Artemis. As a matter of fact, she hit the roof!
Meanwhile, McLargeHuge has started harassing referee Godric Smith, taking his eyes off the match. Fruckster uses this distraction to pull something out of a small pocket on the leg of his tights, and as Kyle leans in close enough, he hurls an angry, red dust into the Culture Clash’s face! He lets out a sharp yelp, clutching his eyes as Fruckster gets to his feet and hits his opponent with a German suplex, bridging into a pin as Smith’s attention is finally released from Big’s nonsense!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Beckett!
Del Ramos: Things aren’t lookin’ too good for sparky there.
Indeed, Kyle climbs unsteadily to his feet, still blinded by whatever was thrown in his face. McLargeHuge tags in, and Viola yells at the top of her lungs to give Kyle some kind of pole star to guide him. He starts uncertainly toward her outstretched hand, but before he can make it, Big seizes him, gives him a few good elbows to the face, and then swings him up and around for a backbreaker rack! Kyle snarls, thrashing in McLargeHuge’s grip as he tries to lock him in place on his shoulders. Locking an arm around Big’s neck and using his momentum, he swings around the huge man and hits him with a Break the Cycle! As Big lays roaring in pain, Kyle, watering eyes creating streaks through the red powder plastered on his face, manages to reach the outstretched hand of Viola Williams!
Hiro Suzuki: Quick thinking on Beckett’s part!
Del Ramos: Forget thinking, Suzuki, that was all instinct.
McLargeHuge is just getting back to his feet, wincing heavily, as Viola steps into the ring. Scowling at the behemoth, she steps right into Buck’s reach as he moves awkwardly forward, and with a nigh miraculous show of strength that has the Ascended Army screaming in disbelief, she scoops the goliath up and hits him with her Superman’s Flight finisher!
Artemis Direction: I am in awe of the power, darlings!
Godric Smith slides in as she makes the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Kevin Kim: Your winners of this match, the team of ‘Culture Clash’ KYLE BECKETT and ‘Legacy’ VIOLA WILLIAMS!
Viola’s hand is raised as the medical staff tends to Kyle with eye wash, guiding him toward the back.
Del Ramos: Foul play there, but it felt like Beckett was ready to just take both motherfuckers on himself.
Artemis Direction: I do wonder what happened there, my sweet siren of the slaughter!
Del Ramos: Dunno but it looks like any cooperative spirit from the Bash has evaporated.
Hiro Suzuki: That doesn’t seem to be the case with our next fighters. In fact, it looks like they may have smoothed over any rough feelings in favor of cooperation.
He taps his fingers anxiously on the table top.
Hiro Suzuki: Is anyone else a little unnerved by how well those two get along? You know, the creepiest members of the roster?
Del Ramos: Aww, what’s the matter, Suzuki? Afraid that if you keep telling bad jokes, they’re going to try and feed you to a bunch of fanged daisies with a taste for human blood or knit a sweater out of your spinal cord nerves or something?
Hiro Suzuki: Well not those exact things until just right now, and it’s not like they’ve given us reason to believe they wouldn’t if given the opportunity!
Artemis Direction: It’s a match made in Hell if ever there was one. They’ve both shown they’ve no compunctions about mercilessly exploiting people. First Lang with her kidnapping of Sebastian Hawke and the subsequent experiments she put him through! She used him to further her scientific curiosity at the expense of his freedom.
Hiro Suzuki: Freedom is something David O’Toole seems short on lately thanks to Roy’s machinations. How is he going to get out of that contract?
Del Ramos: However it happens I doubt it’s gonna be any time soon. Honestly the kid seems a lot less belligerent about it lately. Much to my personal chagrin.
Artemis shrugs, arching one gracefully penciled brow.
Artemis Direction: Maybe he’s just accepted it or gotten over some kind of threshold. It’s difficult to say - only Davie and Valentine and possibly that human manifestation of a grey polyester business suit he calls an assistant know everything that’s in it.
Hiro Suzuki: Speaking of suits, did you know what happened when the CEO dropped a brownie on his calculator?
Del Ramos: I am still not over the disappointment of the mistletoe that would have delivered the merriest Christmas of all being fake. Do not rub your not-deadness in my face when the wound is so fresh, you insensitive prick.
Hiro Suzuki: He was accused of fudging the numbers!
Del Ramos: I swear to each circle of Hell, there is no punishment Krampus could have doled out this season more brutally loathsome than your continued insistence on existing. Clearly this is Claus’s doing. That fucking naughty list is brutal.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army the following contest is a tag team match set for one fall! Already in the ring with me, the team of Biff Jerky and Brawn Johnson, the JERKY JOHNSON JUNCTION!
Del Ramos: That has got to be the most metal name ever conjured for a tag team considering the darkness it fills my heart with. I am serious - the hatred I have for everything these assholes are about is blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
Kevin Kim: And their opponents! Introducing first!
The lights on either side of the entrance rotate, flashing white beams in an almost hypnotic pattern as Mara steps through to the top of the ramp. As the sharp whistling sound of Mara’s entrance music cuts through the air, the crowd is quieter than would be expected. There is something unwholesome about the way she strides to the ring, not a motion wasted. The only thing that would suggest any distraction from her destination is the motion of her eyes; casting back and forth among the assembled as if assessing them.
Kevin Kim: Weighing in at 189 pounds from Bellevue, Washington, she is MARA LANG!
Mara climbs into the ring, looking at the assembled as if measuring them for something.
Kevin Kim: Aren’t doctors… y’know… supposed to be busy? Doesn’t she have things to do besides be here?
Heavy operatic guitar blares through the stadium. The screen follows a trail of twisting, thorny vines as they wind over a pitch-black floor towards the foot of a marble throne. As the thorns begin to engulf the stone, the camera rises to reveal Roy Valentine lying sideways across his marble seat, legs pitched over its arm. The plants trace a deferential space around Valentine, but utterly consume every inch of bare throne. When the vines finally stop twisting, Valentine snaps his fingers, and the all-encompassing wall of green bursts into bloom, red and gold roses spelling out the name, “ROY VALENTINE”.
Kevin Kim: Hailing from Cape Elizabeth, Maine, weighing in at 219 pounds, he is ROY VALENTINE!
Valentine then makes his entrance in the flesh, struts on stage under a shower of crimson petals. Alongside him stalks his steel wall of an assistant, Anastasia Keller, metal clipboard in hand. Valentine holds a scarlet “Valentine Velvet” rose at his heart, which he tosses into the crowd on his way to the ring, all the while blowing kisses to the adoring--or, perhaps, disgusted--Ascended Army.
Del Ramos: If we found out Valentine was a rejected villain from The Dark Tower, I would not fucking be surprised.
DING! DING!
Valentine and Johnson are in the ring together to begin. Roy’s lip is curled in distaste at the man as he approaches with a lazy, unimpressed stride. Johnson takes a swing that Valentine easily side steps before delivering a backhand chop to Brawn’s chest! Johnson grunts as he’s staggered a step, but immediately steps back in to tie up with Valentine! As the pair struggle, Roy manages to lock in a sleeper hold, slowly walking backward toward his corner where Lang waits. Tagging her in, their prey thoroughly disoriented, the two execute a double Russian leg sweep on Johnson, slamming him into the mat!
Del chuckles menacingly as Artemis and Hiro both gasp.
Del Ramos: Y’know, maybe having these two sadists team up was the best idea this company’s ever had.
As Roy exits the ring, Johnson starts to sit up, only to be on the receiving end of a sharp knee strike from Lang, followed quickly by a pin! Referee Jill Kincaid slides in for the count!
ONE!
TWO!
THR–
Kick out from Johnson!
Artemis Direction: I feel like saying this is going to curse my next round of restylane, but those two are demonstrating upsettingly effective teamwork.
Hiro Suzuki: Maybe we’ll get lucky, they’ll make some mistake that costs them the match and we’ll never see them teaming up again!
Hiro glances briefly upward.
Hiro Suzuki: Please? If anybody’s up there?
With her opponent on the mat still dazedly starting to crawl over to his corner, Mara seizes his legs and tangles them up into her signature Inflame Out Sharpshooter! Grimacing with pain, Brawn slowly makes his way over to his corner, Mara continuing to keep the pressure on even after he tags out! Brawn is wailing, legs still locked into the hold in spite of Jill’s order for Mara to release him. But this means Lang is in no position to stop Biff Jerky from landing a heavy overhand chop to the top of her skull! She spills forward onto the canvas, Brawn weeping openly as he drags himself onto the apron to make room for his fresh partner. Mara can’t get to her feet on her own before Jerky has grabbed a fistful of her hair, dragging her to her feet as she grimaces in pain. Grabbing onto her hair closer to her skull to relieve the pressure of Biff’s grip, Mara turns and gouges at his eyes with her fingers! Immediately, Jerky’s grip loosens as he steps backward, Mara laying into him with a discus back elbow!
Del Ramos: Looks like Lang is trying to keep things contained.
Artemis Direction: I’m not sure she’s going to be especially successful at it, sweet tart.
Managing to somehow keep his wits about him, Biff staggers with a grunt, but grabs onto Mara’s arm, yanking her in close and setting her up for a pile driver! She slams into the canvas head first, tipping over at an awkward angle before Biff goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Lang!
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like Lang is in trouble!
Artemis Direction: She had better get to her corner if her team hopes to win this!
Mara seems to have had the same revelation, the good doctor crawling effortfully back toward her corner where Valentine waits with outstretched hand. Frustrated, Jerky grabs Mara and hefts her bodily, but Lang lets out a determined cry, rallying enough to swing herself around her opponent and slam him onto the canvas in a tornado DDT! Scrambling across the mat, she tags in Valentine!
Del Ramos: Let’s see what you got, Fauntleroy!
Hiro Suzuki: Bet Jerky’s taking stalk of his decisions now.
Del Ramos: I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF A PONCY SITUATION, JACKASS! DO NOT MAKE THIS WORSE!
Hiro Suzuki: Ah, sounds like you want the plant puns to go hosta la vista!
Roy steps into the ring as Mara recovers on the apron, his smile absolutely venomous, contempt in his eyes as he watches their opponent slowly become vertical again. As he does, Valentine ascends to the second turnbuckle, coming in like a falling star to send Biff right back down to the mat with his Weight of the Empire leaping double axe handle! Not satisfied to just take the pin, however, Roy paces around his dazed enemy, eyes never leaving him even as he begins groggily to stir. Valentine spares a glance at Brawn who gapes at the scene from his corner, and smirks as he steps up to Jerky, grabbing him by his hair to drag him all the way to his feet. Biff grimaces and finds himself on the receiving end of a scornful, almost lazy slap to the face from Valentine, before the floral magnate hits him with his Red Crown finisher! Roy goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Kevin Kim: Your winners, the team of MARA LANG and ROY VALENTINE!
Mara joins Roy in the ring, giving him an appreciative nod which he returns with a tidy bow and a flourish of one hand. They have their hands raised to a decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd.
Artemis looks as if she’s smelled something foul.
Artemis Direction: Hmph. I’ve little doubt we’ll see those two again.
Hiro’s brow knits in worry.
Hiro Suzuki: You really think so?
Del Ramos: Finding a compatible tag partner can be like finding a unicorn. When you get somebody you gel with, you hang onto that.
Artemis Direction: Speaking of competitors on the roster that give you night terrors, Hiro, darling, our Underworld Champion, the Lab Rat King, has some words for another unholy terror on Ascended’s payroll! Let’s go to the video!
A flickering fluorescent bulb illuminates the interior of a walk-in refrigeration room in an unsteady pulse; the light is almost as cold as the air, a cold fog radiating from the steel fixtures and ice-crusted shelves. The storage is packed with boxes and vacuum-sealed bags full of raw meat and fish, their sightless dead eyes staring upward, long-robbed of the ability to reflect the rhythmless, fluorescent stutter. The sound of shifting chains draws attention to the heavy sides of pork hanging from hooks, suspended from a rail down the center of the unit. At the back where the rail ends, there is one heart that still beats inside its cage, and one set of eyes that burn amid the encroaching cold.
The Lab Rat King sits on top of a sealed crate, a length of chain wrapped around his broad, calloused hand. He seems utterly unperturbed by the cold; his bruised and discoloured skin doesn’t so much as raise a hair in response, devoid of shivers or tension. The mutant gives the impression of being a bonfire inside a box freezer, emanating heat as much as he does violence and barely-contained bloodlust. His breath is deep and steady, cocking his muzzled head, a carnivore contemplating the meals dangling before him–though his line of sight moves past the meat to rest on those of the Army, and those of his next… adversary.
“We are a lock that needs undoing.”
As always, the monster’s voice is ragged, the claws of long-passed assaults having left their marks on his throat and lungs.
“Weren’t those your well-plucked words, Paranoid Prophet? You seek to strike what stands in our shadow; your slavering jaw hungers to hurt what lies beyond the iron bars of my body. How… ambitious, oh hhhhhateful haruspex. What entrails have you divined to determine that our tales and our TAILS must be so entwined? Do you truly wish to risk tangling yourself into such a voracious RRRRRAT KING, ready to snap at its own flanks to carve out such a cancerous conspirator?”
He grins; even under the muzzle, it’s clear. It’s hungry. It’s malicious.
“Be verrrrrry careful what familiars of ours you threaten, Prophet. You warn us against struggling–but you neglect to note that we are LONG FINISHED with such wriggling, such writhing.”
His eyes come to rest on the Underworld Belt, which is hanging from one of the meat hooks before him. The eyes of the Army glance over its gleaming obsidian accents briefly before returning to the beast.
“We have ASCENDED this mountain of corpses already. We no longer have any need to draw tooth and claw to escape any snapping and seething maw, any fearsome fire; we ARE the roiling Hell that the REST MUST RUN FROM, including you, COLLARED DOG.”
He shakes the chain wrapped around his hand, rattling the rail above, making the frozen stock sway.
“So long as you serve another–no matter what power you claim they use to make us cower–you are nothing but a nuisance to us. We will NEVER allow such a thoughtless thrall to step past the barricade of our bones in search of fresher meat. You are a STARVING MUTT, and you will remain unfed so long as the sustenance you seek–doubtless a diviner like you, who would be Hellbent to be rid of your seeking eyes– remains inside the coffer of our ribs. And should you stay your course… we will make sure to see through to the HEART of you before you manage a single staggering step past us… even if we must rend the flesh from every one of your bones first."
The Lab Rat King stands to his full height–nearly scraping the ceiling of the frozen container–and pulls sharply on the chain, causing the hanging hocks of pig meat to glide toward him. With a snarl he buries his printless fingers into the cold flesh, gripping bones, and tears the flank apart with a sickening, calcified CRUNCH that turns the stomachs of the weak. The lower hunk of meat falls to the freezer floor as he steps forward, grabbing his hanging belt and resting the cold metal to his shoulder with a low growl.
"We will do so joyously; we will enjoy teaching you to regret.”
His amber eyes are alight with an immeasurable rage; within him, the wolf is ready and waiting to protect his pack.
“This is your ONLY warning. Prophet.”
The feed cuts back to the announcer’s table where Del is sighing contentedly.
Del Ramos: Leave it to King to put a smile on my face. We could’ve seen this match at the PPV, but it looks like we might have Frater and King mixing it up after all!
Artemis Direction: Goodness me! Frater’s one of the only competitors on the roster able to match LRK in size and ferocity!
Hiro Suzuki: Would there be anything left of the ring after a match like that!
Del rumbles thoughtfully.
Del Ramos: The way he was talking… like Perdurabo had threatened somebody close to him.
Hiro Suzuki: What did he say again? “...a diviner like you, who would be Hellbent...” Is he talking about Leon?
Artemis Direction: Now what does that beast want with my dear child?
Del Ramos: I don’t know, but if he thinks he’s going to get to the champ that easy, he’s got another thing coming. Not only does LRK stand in his way, apparently, but don’t forget Mia Rayne. She showed some serious animosity toward Perdurabo at the PPV, specifically targeting him at the beginning.
Artemis Direction: Somehow I get the feeling Rayne isn’t one to just let things go. And Frater may very well be mistaken if he thinks she’s going to be done with him after one match.
Hiro Suzuki: They’re kind of an odd couple. Both of them are unhinged, but in completely different ways. I’m pretty sure Frater’s forgotten how to laugh, and it feels like most of the time, Mia can’t stop!
Artemis Direction: They contrast in tone almost as much as the fighters in our next match contrast in physique!
Del Ramos: SKUP9 and Hawke are both young, ambitious, and aren’t afraid to get a little bloody or mean when the situation calls for it. You know they’re gonna tear it up tonight.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with me are the team of Hot Dropkick and Brick Hardcheese, TEAM HOT CHEEZ DIP!
Del Ramos: Didn’t King fucking drown the emo kid?
Artemis Direction: Ernest and Dante are miracle workers!
Kevin Kim: And now introducing their opponents!
The house lights suddenly snuff out, leaving the arena completely dark. The speakers blare to life.
The violin intro to ”Hate Me Now” by Nas ft. Puff Daddy pumps through the stadium.
The chorus kicks in and a spotlight appears from behind the entrance, creating the large, looming silhouette of the man in front of it. The lights come up and he raises his arms in the air.
Kevin Kim: On his way to the ring from Grand Junction, Colorado, weighing in at 369 pounds… he is ‘The Eliminator’–SKUP9!
As he stalks down the ramp, The Eliminator beats a fist against his chest, and points a finger at a group of fans pumping their fists in the air and chanting along with the music.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9 has had a remarkable run here at Ascended.
Del Ramos: He had an intense showing at the Bash. Not to disparage your drag parenting skills, but your kid might’ve gotten lucky.
Artemis Direction: Little doubt we’ll see a rematch in the future.
Kevin Kim: And his partner!
High tempo, up-beat rock music suddenly fills the Colosseum and the entrance stage is bathed in flat blue lighting, punctuated by high frequency white strobes, timed to synch up to the beat, as The Near Future VII. Time to Fly by I Fight Dragons begins to play.
Kevin Kim: Now coming to the ring, from Las Vegas, Nevada, he is your reigning Ascended Wrestling Emerald City Champion, SEBASTIAN HAWKE!
Artemis Direction: What a match our Emerald City Champ had against Valentine!
Hiro Suzuki: It was our very first time-out at Ascended! I guess you could say Valentine was a late bloomer!
Del glowers at Hiro, but glances him up and down appraisingly.
Del Ramos: …You know, I hear bone meal is really good at keeping deer out of gardens… Maybe I could convince Valentine…
Artemis Direction: Whether it’s from whatever Lang did to him, a natural inclination toward toughness, or a combination of the two, Hawke showed us he has the kind of endurance and ingenuity needed to succeed as champion.
Feeling the energy from his music, belt strapped around his waist, Sebastian Hawke bounces out onto the stage and waves to the numerous fans happy to see him. Beaming, Sebastian runs down the ramp to the ring and slides in posing for the crowd!
SKUP9 and Hawke make eye contact, sharing a nod and a fist bump. Hawke puts himself on the outside of the ropes handing his belt off to the referee, and his much larger tag partner turns to face Brick Hardcheese in the ring.
SKUP9 seems to hit the ground running, exuding a sense of renewed vigor in the new year. He meets Hardcheese in the middle, and the two begin trading grapples, testing the limits of each others’ strength. It’s SKUP9 who gains the advantage, though, overpowering Brick, kicking out one of his legs and catching him in a swift and decisive scoop slam! Hardcheese attempts to get himself clear by rolling into the neutral corner, but before he can get up, SKUP9 catches up and grinds his boot into Brick’s head and neck, pinning him under the turnbuckles!
Hiro Suzuki: Well! SKUP9 showing us he hasn’t missed a step!
The ref skids over along the ropes, starting a warning count!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR–
SKUP9 releases Hardcheese just before the five-count, pacing back toward the center of the ring, still bursting with energy as Hardcheese climbs to his feet with a hand on his neck. Not giving up just yet, he attempts a surprise lariat on SKUP9, knocking him down hard on his shoulders!
The commentators look stunned.
Del Ramos: Ha! Getting some desperation from Hardcheese. I get the feeling that might have been one of the biggest shots in his arsenal, but I don’t think it’s gonna keep the Eliminator down.
SKUP9 is only grounded for a moment though, rolling backward into the ropes with a grunt of pain, and as he climbs to his feet he slingshots his body weight forward and meets Hardcheese where he lives with a grab and lift that he smoothly transitions into his Expulsion!
The commentators all let out sounds of astonishment.
Hiro Suzuki: SKUP9 is not letting off the gas for even a second!
Bruised and breaking Brick barely makes the crawl back to his corner to tag out to Dropkick. Meanwhile, Sebastian Hawke makes a tag in with a high-five to SKUP9, but rather than rushing right in, he climbs the turnbuckles–and SKUP9’s shoulders–just as Hot Dropkick is making his first offense–
Artemis Direction: Now what to you suppose he means to do from up there?
–and Hawke makes his namesake proud with a boosted leap from atop his tag partner’s massive frame, landing an absolutely insane corkscrew DDT!
Del Ramos: Tell gravity to fuck off, apparently.
Dropkick is thoroughly stunned, already on the canvas and clutching the back of his head. Hardcheese, expression full of alarm, tries to reach back in for a tag–but he catches SKUP9’s eyes on him across the ring and, deciding he doesn’t feel like learning what taking the Abolition feels like, withdraws his hand.
Hiro Suzuki: Say, what do you call cattle that don’t have any courage?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, darling, what?
Hiro Suzuki: Cowards!
In the ring, Hawke pulls the prone Hot Dropkick into his punishing Break Point! Dropkick begins kicking at Hawke’s legs, trying and nearly succeeding to take out his vertical base to get free–but the second Sebastian is forced to move one foot, he pivots the move around and twists Dropkick up into the spine-wrenching SNAP!
Del crows with bloodthirsty glee!
Del Ramos: THAT’S IT! DRINK THE PAIN!
Hot Dropick begins frantically tapping out!!
Kevin Kim: The winner of this match–the team of SKUP9 and SEBASTIAN HAWKE!
Hawke releases Dropkick who goes limp, coughing weakly and spitting out what looks like a barnacle.
SKUP9 joins his tag partner in the ring, grinning. The pair seem to be thriving on a forward momentum. He hoists Hawke up onto his shoulders and pumps a fist, spurring a roaring cheer from the crowd!
Artemis Direction: Now that is some impressive teamwork!
Hiro Suzuki: They definitely played off each other’s strengths to make the most of their partnership.
Del Ramos: That’s the best way to go about it. You don’t get upset because you or your partner can’t do something you might want to for whatever reason. You figure out what you can do and you sharpen that to a razor’s edge.
Artemis Direction: Exactly, darling. You fight the war with the army you have, not the army you wish you had.
Hiro Suzuki: We still have tag titles that need to be awarded. Maybe we’ll see them around the waists of one of the teams we saw tonight!
Artemis Direction: Certainly an exciting possibility, sweetness. Speaking of, one has to wonder how long it may be until one of our competitors in our main event finally wins gold.
Del Ramos: O’Toole, you mean?
Artemis nods.
Artemis Direction: He’s had a series of ups and downs working with Ascended, however I’d argue he shows the kind of tenacity and intensity that you need in a champion.
Del Ramos: Maybe, but don’t overlook Logan, either. She may have just started out, but there’s a fire in that broad. I feel sorry for anyone stupid enough to get in her way.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, your main event for tonight is scheduled for one fall!
The dramatic sting of “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” kicks in, the lights around the big screen pulse green and gold in time with the beat. The screen shows an overhead view of an industrial district, hanging in mid-air for a moment before diving down to the alleys below to show gritty images of hands being taped up, quick footwork of fighters wearing work boots instead of ring boots, and blood spattering against brick walls.
Kevin Kim: Introducing first—from Astoria, Oregon, weighing in at 190 pounds, the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Del Ramos: Lemme just say, it’s pretty fucking metal this dude is coming into the ring so soon after he put himself through a goddamn table.
Dressed in plain black ring pants without design or decor, black ring boots, and an army green hoodie, David O’Toole steps out of the entrance, pausing for a moment at the top of the ramp before making his way down, his steps purposeful. He slips between the ropes, pulls off his hoodie to toss it aside, and keeps light on his feet in his corner of the ring.
Kevin Kim: And his opponent!
Jinjer's "Just Another" blasts onto the PA, accompanied by strobe lights that pulsate to the beat of the intro.
Kevin Kim: From Boston, Massachusetts, weighing in at 143 pounds, ANNIE LOGAN!
Just as the first verse kicks in, Annie Logan tears through the curtain. She ricochets from one side of the stage to the other while making a point to stop and will the crowd to get into the upcoming match - and behind her - with inaudible calls to action mixed with physical signaling and a handful of horns being thrown up. After a few back-and-forths, Annie takes to the ramp with her attention locked on the ring.
Del Ramos: I been waiting to see Logan in action again. She’s got the style and the brutality down.
Once at ringside, Annie slides herself under the bottom rope facing the ramp, hops to her feet, then heads to the ropes closest to the camera, then gets her feet on the second rope and uses the top rope to brace her. Again, she yells out a few words to the audience that go missing to the fans at home under the music. She eventually hops down and takes to a corner while "Just Another" is cut.
O’Toole comes towards the center of the ring, and he extends a fist to Logan—she cracks a cocky smirk, and returns the bump.
Artemis Direction: Our opponents showing some fine sportsmanship!
The two circle each other, testing each other’s reactions—O’Toole drawn in like a boxer, Logan’s stance much wider—David bites first, and as he comes in Annie explodes forward and catches him with a rising clothesline! He hits the canvas hard, but rolls out of the way and quickly hops to his feet. Annie manages to get vertical in an almost synchronized fashion with David, but doesn’t allow for any breathing room. She closes the short gap between them and starts hauling off with big shots to David’s head and ribs. While unanswered at first, David tries to plant some strategic blocks in while throwing in some shots of his own. It’s a chaotic mess that’s one half wild flurries and one half learned science.
If Del’s rictus grin was any indication, the match was going just how they wanted it to.
Del Ramos: COME ON YOU SCRAPPY FUCKS! TEAR EACH OTHER APART!
Annie throws a wide blow which misses David, but gives him the opportunity to snatch and lock on Tinker’s Ratchet! The pair hit the mat near simultaneously and the referee starts checking in to see if Annie wants to call it quits; her answer is inaudible, but it’s clear by the shake of her head she’s not ready to tap.
Hiro Suzuki: That Tinker’s Ratchet looks unbearable! Though it does remind me I need to drop by the hardware store to pick up some new tools. Somebody broke into my tool shed and took everything! Even my limbo stick! I mean, how low can you go?
Del Ramos: Liability for on the job injury is only gonna deter me for so long, Suzuki. One of these days I’m gonna figure out a way to make your murder somehow profit the company and when I do, you are gonna regret bringing up tools as often as you have. I got plans, Suzuki. They involve claw hammers and plaster strips.
Hiro Suzuki: What are the plaster strips for?
Del Ramos: If I get to murder you, I get first crack at your death mask. Gonna make me an ashtray.
She gathers all of her strength and uses her free limbs to try and get to the ropes. Eventually, she’s able to get a foot on the bottom rope but David isn’t ready to release yet. The referee begins the five count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
It’s not clear if David lets go or Annie is able to wiggle out but regardless of how, Annie is free. She manages to slide forward in the direction of the floor, David tries to latch on where he can to keep her from escaping, but before he can catch her she’s out under the bottom rope for the ten-count breather. David hops to his feet and shifts back on his heels with a sigh more dramatic than truly exasperated. He follows her around the ropes, and waves for her to get back up into the ring. Annie smirks, still strolling around outside, then she puts her arms out, and the mics barely catch her calling, “Come and get me, kid!”
Del Ramos: Oh ho ho… Logan might come to regret that request.
Artemis Direction: I never would have pegged Davie as being such a brutal competitor, but his matches with King don’t lie. He definitely has a violent streak in him.
They jaw back and forth, trading smack talk—until from nowhere David shoots himself between the ropes and tackles Logan on the floor! David’s fall is broken by Annie’s body colliding with the barricade. The ten count from the referee has begun!
Del laughs, eyes burning like embers.
Del Ramos: Careful what you wish for!
ONE!
TWO!
Annie is slow to get up, which gives David the opening to drag her to her feet, then send her back to the floor with a snapmare that leaves her seated. Knowing the window of opportunity won’t be open long, David sprints to the corner of the barricade and then back at Annie with a tremendous running knee. The referee’s count continues.
FIVE!
SIX!
Hiro Suzuki: If they’re not careful, they may get a count out!
David rolls into the ring and then back out in order to break the count but as he crosses back over to the apron, Annie has a surge of life that sees her get to her feet. David’s met with a frenzy of forearms to the back of the head and neck! Using her own window of opportunity, Annie does her best to hold David in place while she climbs onto the apron. She lifts him to his feet, hooks him for an ura nage, and drives David to the floor! With an air of satisfaction, Annie works quickly to get upright, snatch David, and roll him into the ring.
Del Ramos: Logan looking to turn this thing around! MAKE HIS ENTRAILS HIS EXTRAILS, ANNIE!
Upon getting back into the ring, Davie seems to find some hidden reserve within, climbing to his feet with surprising speed! Undaunted, Annie begins going at him with knees, elbows, and forearms, driving him backward as he attempts to defend himself! Finally, his back colliding with the turnbuckle, Davie swings his elbow up hard in a swift arc in an effort to stun Annie, but she grabs his arm, catching him off-guard! She uses the grip to force Davie up onto the turnbuckle behind him, grappling his head down and pulling his lower body up into a dangerously high vertical suplex--
Artemis Direction: Oh my--
-- and leans back to bring Davie crashing down into the canvas in a Super Irish Wake!!
Del Ramos: UNHOLY FUCK YES!
Annie drags herself over the thoroughly stunned and lanky body of her opponent, hooking one long leg!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, your winner, ANNIE LOGAN!
Annie’s arm is raised in victory, but she quickly turns back to her opponent who is just getting to his feet. As he rises, she smirks and offers a fist. Still dizzy, he glances at it, then back up at her, before nodding with his own grin and giving her a bump to the enthusiastic cheers of the Ascended Army!
Artemis Direction: What a show!
Hiro Suzuki: Think we’ll see any of these teams again?
Artemis Direction: It could be, sweetness! Time will tell.
Hiro Suzuki: Say, what do you call a dog that knows the time?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, dear heart, what?
Hiro Suzuki: A watch dog!
Del Ramos: Alright, that’s it, now I’m gonna have to clean your clock.
Artemis Direction: Thank you for joining us tonight, Ascended Army! Join us next time on Collision!
Credits:
Local Rat Man Delivers Threat from the Fridge - Zen
SKUP9 & Sebastian Hawke vs. Team Hot Cheez Dip - Zen
Annie Logan vs. David O’Toole - g, Bill, Ampersand
Everything else - Ampersand
Can't keep my hands to myself
Think I'll dust 'em off, put 'em back up on the shelf
In case my little baby girl is in need
Am I coming out of left field?
Think I'll dust 'em off, put 'em back up on the shelf
In case my little baby girl is in need
Am I coming out of left field?
Kyle Beckett is punishing a speed bag in the Ascended training area, his eyes steely. He glances up at movement near the door, watching as Viola Williams steps into the gym. As she approaches, starting to greet him, Kyle just turns, picks up his things, and starts out of the training area with clipped steps. Williams watches him go, posture tense, before stalking over to a punching bag and taking a swing so strong it causes the bag to spring a leak, sand spilling out onto the floor. Observing from the doorway stands a statuesque woman with flowing red hair, poisonous green eyes, and a curious expression. Mara Lang takes another moment to watch Viola before continuing down the hallway.
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it's 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it's 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Roy Valentine is sitting in a conference room with Anastasia Keller, a laptop before him. Mara soon enters, her observation of Williams a mere rest stop on her way to her destination. Roy greets her graciously and as they have a seat, Keller flips off the light, a screen is lowered at the head of the room, and a projection of what appear to be diagnostics and measurements appears, the presentation featuring a portrait of David O’Toole.
Got another mouth to feed
Leave her with a baby sitter, mama, call the grave digger
Gone with the fallen leaves
Am I coming out of left field?
Leave her with a baby sitter, mama, call the grave digger
Gone with the fallen leaves
Am I coming out of left field?
SKUP9 and Sebastian Hawke are in the Ascended Colosseum ring, the pair practicing together. Sometimes they trade blows, discussing possible tactics their opponents may use, and other times they work on their tandem moves. Hawke launches himself off of SKUP’s shoulders in a stunning twisting plancha, spinning through the air like a dervish! The view cuts to Annie Logan emerging from what appears to be a basement club or dive bar. She glances at a nearby promotional flyer for the fight she’ll be having with Davie. Smirking, she takes a sharpie from her pocket, making a few creative, distinctly Oz-inspired artistic flourishes to Ascended’s resident scarecrow, scrawling out, ‘IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN’ below her masterpiece. The scene then cuts to an image of the Valentine Estate. There is an illuminated window bright on the dark, stony walls from the outside, a silhouette framed there. As it turns, shifting as if to look at the camera, the lights in the window go out.
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might've had your fill, but you feel it still
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might've had your fill, but you feel it still
Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it's 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Let me kick it like it's 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
At the announcer’s table sit Del Ramos, Artemis Direction, and Hiro Suzuki.
Del Ramos: Welcome to another edition of Ascended Wrestling’s Collision, you havoc-hungry demons. Joining me tonight is the diva of drag delights, Artemis Direction…
Artemis waves daintily.
Artemis Direction: ‘evening, hunties!
Del Ramos: And hernia with shoes, Hiro Suzuki.
Hiro Suzuki: Let me just pop out to say hello, Ascended Army!
Del looks at Hiro as if gauging which of his limbs will detach most easily.
Artemis Direction: Such an exciting show tonight, darlings! We’re going to see a major foray into tag team wrestling with our first three matches!
Hiro Suzuki: Viola Williams is new to the roster, but she made quite a splash in her debut, and certainly held her own in the Emerald City Championship elimination match at our Jingle Bell Bash PPV!
Del Ramos: She’s got beef with Valentine and they added a little extra spice to the mix.
Artemis Direction: That’s right! Even though you could only be eliminated by going over the top rope, they challenged one another for that little rose pin Valentine accused Williams of stealing. A pin for a pin!
Hiro Suzuki: Williams might have won her bet with Valentine, but it probably cost her a title shot.
Del Ramos: You don’t get it, Suzuki. It’s not the gold around your waist, it’s the blood on your knuckles.
Hiro Suzuki: Viola wasn’t the only one in that fight, though! The man tagging with her tonight also fought in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rumble Part I!
Artemis Direction: Culture Clash Kyle Beckett! Darlings, I love to watch that boy work!
Hiro Suzuki: He and Williams had a few moments in that fight that could hint at some greater collaboration.
Del Ramos: We’ll see about that, Suzuki. You get a couple of kids in there, hungry with ambition, they might see more value in using this as a showcase for themselves as individuals than as a team.
Hiro tugs at his tie nervously.
Hiro Suzuki: I’m honestly a little more upset about the compatibility of our next fighters…
Del smirks.
Del Ramos: It was only a matter of time before we got to see Little Lord Fauntleroy team up with Dr. Frankenstein.
Artemis frowns, shaking her head.
Artemis Direction: I really did want to like Roy, but he shows extremely poor taste in his associates as well as how he treats his employees!
Hiro Suzuki: Valentine teaming up with Lang is just… terrifying.
Del Ramos: What, you afraid Lang’s gonna show Valentine how to make Audrey II bigger, hungrier, and airborne?
The color leaves Hiro’s face, the idea of monstrous, carnivorous plants traveling in determined, blood-seeking green flocks, something he had not taken into account as a possibility. Clearly it is proving a bit overwhelming for the aspiring comedian.
Artemis Direction: Valentine’s effort scored him an Emerald City title shot, but he wasn’t able to take it off Hawke.
Del Ramos: Heh! Not for lack of trying.
Hiro snaps out of his daze.
Hiro Suzuki: Right! We had our first time out for a match!
Artemis Direction: Both men left everything in the ring that night. And considering Roy had a fight prior to the one with Hawke that very night? Well, you have to give credit where it’s due, darlings!
Del Ramos: Lang wasn’t any slouch, herself.
Artemis has a self-satisfied little smirk on her face.
Artemis Direction: Maybe not, but I must say I was quite pleased with how her elimination went down.
Del Ramos: Knocked ass over tea kettle when she wasn’t looking by the guy she’d been fighting beside only seconds before, securing him a shot against the Rat.
Del cackles.
Del Ramos: I love it.
Artemis Direction: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer waste of air. But, moving on to worthwhile human beings!
Hiro Suzuki: SKUP9 and Sebastian Hawke! That’s an interesting pairing.
Del Ramos: Those little guy, big guy teams can make for some vicious tandem moves. Especially if they don’t give much of a damn for the state of the little guy’s bones. Nothing quite like hitting a motherfucker with another motherfucker.
Artemis Direction: As entertaining as playing ‘pillow fight’ with human bodies is, sweetness, I doubt we’ll be seeing any of that from those two.
Hiro Suzuki: You know, I left my phone under my pillow the other night, and when I woke up the next day it was gone!
Artemis Direction: Really, now?
Hiro Suzuki: Guess I got a visit from the Bluetooth Fairy!
Del Ramos: Look, if you’re hurtin’ for money and want the real deal to put under there for some cash, I can give you a hand with loosening a few molars.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9 and Hawke both fought with titles on the line at our last PPV! Although SKUP didn’t capture the world title, he had an incredible showing! I love my child, but he made it out by the skin of his teeth. Maybe the Jingle Bell Bash wasn’t quite the Eliminator’s time, but I feel like it’s not that long a wait, darlings.
Hiro Suzuki: Meanwhile, Hawke is going out there and doing what he can to show everyone what it means to be a champion.
Artemis Direction: He wants to do Ascended proud, and I’d say he’s certainly meeting his goal!
Del Ramos: That fucker held on against some of Valentine’s most brutal offense. You gotta give it up for him.
Artemis Direction: We saw similar endurance from his protege, David O’Toole, in his fight against the Lab Rat King!
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like King got even with O’Toole for the loss at With the Lights Out!
Del rumbles with pleasure.
Del Ramos: Fuck yes he did! Any day I can see a human being explode through a table is a good fuckin’ day in my book.
Artemis Direction: Well it looks like O’Toole’s a bit of a glutton for punishment! He’s facing off against Annie Logan, whose debut was just sensational!
Del Ramos: We got so many powerful bitches on this roster. I can’t wait to see more from this one.
Artemis Direction: O’Toole has shown us he’s a force to be reckoned with, but the fire Ms. Logan demonstrated in that promo of hers! Absolutely delicious, darlings!
Hiro Suzuki: Won’t be long before we get to it! Right now it looks like we’re ready to get into it in the ring for our first match!
Kevin Kim stands in the center of the ring, mic in hand.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army this is your opening match of the evening! In the ring with me already, they are the team of Big McLargeHuge and Buck Fruckster, HUGE FRUCKING DEAL!
The pair flex and try to fire up the crowd, to tepid response.
Del Ramos: Sweet Satan and all his unholy works, these two are like ambulatory sacks of meat and disappointment.
Hiro starts to open his mouth when Del interrupts him.
Del Ramos: I swear to Asmodeus, I will rip off your lower jaw and use it to castrate you if you tell a ball sack joke.
Hiro promptly closes his mouth and settles back into his seat.
Kevin Kim: And their opponents! Introducing first!
Lights fade on the first quiet bars of Centuries then flare to life with the swelling of the music; Viola Williams steps out in black boots, leggings, and a purple crop top. She grins and starts making her way down to the ring, nodding her head to the beat and taking in the reactions from the crowd with unabashed awe.
Kevin Kim: From Baltimore, Maryland, weighing in at 160 pounds, she is Viola Williams, LEGACY!
She turns to a nearby camera and gives a small salute, then taps her thumb to her forehead twice with an open hand—a small sign to her dad back home. Then she picks up the pace, jogging, then running until she gets to the ring and climbs up onto the ropes. She turns to the audience and throws her arms out, grinning and pumping her fist at the response.
Artemis Direction: Williams demonstrated some admirable strength both in her debut and in her fight at the PPV!
Del Ramos: Like I was saying - powerful bitches. I wanna see this place lousy with ‘em.
Kevin Kim: And her partner!
“Stick to Your Guns” hits and Kyle stands at the top of the entrance ramp, bent slightly forward and arms crossed. He drops the hood of his jacket and throws his arms out wide, letting out an excited roar to the crowd. He looks around to take in the arena before striding down the ramp.
Kevin Kim: From Brisbane, Australia, and weighing in at 91kg, he is the “Culture Clash,” KYLE BECKETT!
Kyle ascends the ring apron, looking out to the arena again, and climbs to the top of the turnbuckle. His “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” is answered with a resounding “Oi oi oi!” from the Ascended Army.
DING! DING!
Viola Williams and McLargeHuge are squaring up first, the pair circling each other before locking up. McLargeHuge wants simply to be able to overpower Williams and seems frustrated that he can’t; his smaller opponent easily holding her own. With a snarl, he breaks free, shoving her backward to put some space between them, but as Viola staggers backward toward her corner, Kyle Beckett blind tags himself in! Williams looks at him quizzically, but swaps out with her partner, who uses the ropes to propel himself forward, slamming into Big with a forearm smash that sends him staggering! Keeping on the pressure, Kyle steps back just enough to give himself room for a calf kick that sends McLargeHuge to the mat! Beckett goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Big!
Artemis Direction: I don’t think that Williams expected to be tagged out right away…
Del Ramos: Oooh… little trouble in paradise with these two?
It seems that may be the case. As Big goes to tag in Fruckster, Vi offers her hand for Kyle to tag, but the Culture Clash pointedly ignores her, instead launching himself at Buck with a standing drop kick! Viola looks annoyed as Beckett climbs to his feet, finding Fruckster right up on his feet with him! Buck whips Beckett into the ropes, but as he comes hurtling back, Kyle hits him with the Reality Check! Kyle goes for a pin!
ONE!
TW–
Kick out from Fruckster!
Beckett rolls to his feet, breathing a bit harder now. Viola calls for him to make the tag back in his corner, the annoyance clear on her face as Kyle paces a circle around the dazed Fruckster and hits him with a leg drop!
Artemis Direction: I think it’s safe to say Viola is not pleased with her level of participation in the match.
Hiro Suzuki: Reminds me of the fight I had with my partner of the trampoline I had installed in our bedroom.
Artemis Direction: Sounds rather exciting if you ask me, sweetness. Just imagine the possibilities!
Hiro Suzuki: She definitely doesn’t share your outlook, Artemis. As a matter of fact, she hit the roof!
Meanwhile, McLargeHuge has started harassing referee Godric Smith, taking his eyes off the match. Fruckster uses this distraction to pull something out of a small pocket on the leg of his tights, and as Kyle leans in close enough, he hurls an angry, red dust into the Culture Clash’s face! He lets out a sharp yelp, clutching his eyes as Fruckster gets to his feet and hits his opponent with a German suplex, bridging into a pin as Smith’s attention is finally released from Big’s nonsense!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Beckett!
Del Ramos: Things aren’t lookin’ too good for sparky there.
Indeed, Kyle climbs unsteadily to his feet, still blinded by whatever was thrown in his face. McLargeHuge tags in, and Viola yells at the top of her lungs to give Kyle some kind of pole star to guide him. He starts uncertainly toward her outstretched hand, but before he can make it, Big seizes him, gives him a few good elbows to the face, and then swings him up and around for a backbreaker rack! Kyle snarls, thrashing in McLargeHuge’s grip as he tries to lock him in place on his shoulders. Locking an arm around Big’s neck and using his momentum, he swings around the huge man and hits him with a Break the Cycle! As Big lays roaring in pain, Kyle, watering eyes creating streaks through the red powder plastered on his face, manages to reach the outstretched hand of Viola Williams!
Hiro Suzuki: Quick thinking on Beckett’s part!
Del Ramos: Forget thinking, Suzuki, that was all instinct.
McLargeHuge is just getting back to his feet, wincing heavily, as Viola steps into the ring. Scowling at the behemoth, she steps right into Buck’s reach as he moves awkwardly forward, and with a nigh miraculous show of strength that has the Ascended Army screaming in disbelief, she scoops the goliath up and hits him with her Superman’s Flight finisher!
Artemis Direction: I am in awe of the power, darlings!
Godric Smith slides in as she makes the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Kevin Kim: Your winners of this match, the team of ‘Culture Clash’ KYLE BECKETT and ‘Legacy’ VIOLA WILLIAMS!
Viola’s hand is raised as the medical staff tends to Kyle with eye wash, guiding him toward the back.
Del Ramos: Foul play there, but it felt like Beckett was ready to just take both motherfuckers on himself.
Artemis Direction: I do wonder what happened there, my sweet siren of the slaughter!
Del Ramos: Dunno but it looks like any cooperative spirit from the Bash has evaporated.
Hiro Suzuki: That doesn’t seem to be the case with our next fighters. In fact, it looks like they may have smoothed over any rough feelings in favor of cooperation.
He taps his fingers anxiously on the table top.
Hiro Suzuki: Is anyone else a little unnerved by how well those two get along? You know, the creepiest members of the roster?
Del Ramos: Aww, what’s the matter, Suzuki? Afraid that if you keep telling bad jokes, they’re going to try and feed you to a bunch of fanged daisies with a taste for human blood or knit a sweater out of your spinal cord nerves or something?
Hiro Suzuki: Well not those exact things until just right now, and it’s not like they’ve given us reason to believe they wouldn’t if given the opportunity!
Artemis Direction: It’s a match made in Hell if ever there was one. They’ve both shown they’ve no compunctions about mercilessly exploiting people. First Lang with her kidnapping of Sebastian Hawke and the subsequent experiments she put him through! She used him to further her scientific curiosity at the expense of his freedom.
Hiro Suzuki: Freedom is something David O’Toole seems short on lately thanks to Roy’s machinations. How is he going to get out of that contract?
Del Ramos: However it happens I doubt it’s gonna be any time soon. Honestly the kid seems a lot less belligerent about it lately. Much to my personal chagrin.
Artemis shrugs, arching one gracefully penciled brow.
Artemis Direction: Maybe he’s just accepted it or gotten over some kind of threshold. It’s difficult to say - only Davie and Valentine and possibly that human manifestation of a grey polyester business suit he calls an assistant know everything that’s in it.
Hiro Suzuki: Speaking of suits, did you know what happened when the CEO dropped a brownie on his calculator?
Del Ramos: I am still not over the disappointment of the mistletoe that would have delivered the merriest Christmas of all being fake. Do not rub your not-deadness in my face when the wound is so fresh, you insensitive prick.
Hiro Suzuki: He was accused of fudging the numbers!
Del Ramos: I swear to each circle of Hell, there is no punishment Krampus could have doled out this season more brutally loathsome than your continued insistence on existing. Clearly this is Claus’s doing. That fucking naughty list is brutal.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army the following contest is a tag team match set for one fall! Already in the ring with me, the team of Biff Jerky and Brawn Johnson, the JERKY JOHNSON JUNCTION!
Del Ramos: That has got to be the most metal name ever conjured for a tag team considering the darkness it fills my heart with. I am serious - the hatred I have for everything these assholes are about is blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
Kevin Kim: And their opponents! Introducing first!
The lights on either side of the entrance rotate, flashing white beams in an almost hypnotic pattern as Mara steps through to the top of the ramp. As the sharp whistling sound of Mara’s entrance music cuts through the air, the crowd is quieter than would be expected. There is something unwholesome about the way she strides to the ring, not a motion wasted. The only thing that would suggest any distraction from her destination is the motion of her eyes; casting back and forth among the assembled as if assessing them.
Kevin Kim: Weighing in at 189 pounds from Bellevue, Washington, she is MARA LANG!
Mara climbs into the ring, looking at the assembled as if measuring them for something.
Kevin Kim: Aren’t doctors… y’know… supposed to be busy? Doesn’t she have things to do besides be here?
Heavy operatic guitar blares through the stadium. The screen follows a trail of twisting, thorny vines as they wind over a pitch-black floor towards the foot of a marble throne. As the thorns begin to engulf the stone, the camera rises to reveal Roy Valentine lying sideways across his marble seat, legs pitched over its arm. The plants trace a deferential space around Valentine, but utterly consume every inch of bare throne. When the vines finally stop twisting, Valentine snaps his fingers, and the all-encompassing wall of green bursts into bloom, red and gold roses spelling out the name, “ROY VALENTINE”.
Kevin Kim: Hailing from Cape Elizabeth, Maine, weighing in at 219 pounds, he is ROY VALENTINE!
Valentine then makes his entrance in the flesh, struts on stage under a shower of crimson petals. Alongside him stalks his steel wall of an assistant, Anastasia Keller, metal clipboard in hand. Valentine holds a scarlet “Valentine Velvet” rose at his heart, which he tosses into the crowd on his way to the ring, all the while blowing kisses to the adoring--or, perhaps, disgusted--Ascended Army.
Del Ramos: If we found out Valentine was a rejected villain from The Dark Tower, I would not fucking be surprised.
DING! DING!
Valentine and Johnson are in the ring together to begin. Roy’s lip is curled in distaste at the man as he approaches with a lazy, unimpressed stride. Johnson takes a swing that Valentine easily side steps before delivering a backhand chop to Brawn’s chest! Johnson grunts as he’s staggered a step, but immediately steps back in to tie up with Valentine! As the pair struggle, Roy manages to lock in a sleeper hold, slowly walking backward toward his corner where Lang waits. Tagging her in, their prey thoroughly disoriented, the two execute a double Russian leg sweep on Johnson, slamming him into the mat!
Del chuckles menacingly as Artemis and Hiro both gasp.
Del Ramos: Y’know, maybe having these two sadists team up was the best idea this company’s ever had.
As Roy exits the ring, Johnson starts to sit up, only to be on the receiving end of a sharp knee strike from Lang, followed quickly by a pin! Referee Jill Kincaid slides in for the count!
ONE!
TWO!
THR–
Kick out from Johnson!
Artemis Direction: I feel like saying this is going to curse my next round of restylane, but those two are demonstrating upsettingly effective teamwork.
Hiro Suzuki: Maybe we’ll get lucky, they’ll make some mistake that costs them the match and we’ll never see them teaming up again!
Hiro glances briefly upward.
Hiro Suzuki: Please? If anybody’s up there?
With her opponent on the mat still dazedly starting to crawl over to his corner, Mara seizes his legs and tangles them up into her signature Inflame Out Sharpshooter! Grimacing with pain, Brawn slowly makes his way over to his corner, Mara continuing to keep the pressure on even after he tags out! Brawn is wailing, legs still locked into the hold in spite of Jill’s order for Mara to release him. But this means Lang is in no position to stop Biff Jerky from landing a heavy overhand chop to the top of her skull! She spills forward onto the canvas, Brawn weeping openly as he drags himself onto the apron to make room for his fresh partner. Mara can’t get to her feet on her own before Jerky has grabbed a fistful of her hair, dragging her to her feet as she grimaces in pain. Grabbing onto her hair closer to her skull to relieve the pressure of Biff’s grip, Mara turns and gouges at his eyes with her fingers! Immediately, Jerky’s grip loosens as he steps backward, Mara laying into him with a discus back elbow!
Del Ramos: Looks like Lang is trying to keep things contained.
Artemis Direction: I’m not sure she’s going to be especially successful at it, sweet tart.
Managing to somehow keep his wits about him, Biff staggers with a grunt, but grabs onto Mara’s arm, yanking her in close and setting her up for a pile driver! She slams into the canvas head first, tipping over at an awkward angle before Biff goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out from Lang!
Hiro Suzuki: Looks like Lang is in trouble!
Artemis Direction: She had better get to her corner if her team hopes to win this!
Mara seems to have had the same revelation, the good doctor crawling effortfully back toward her corner where Valentine waits with outstretched hand. Frustrated, Jerky grabs Mara and hefts her bodily, but Lang lets out a determined cry, rallying enough to swing herself around her opponent and slam him onto the canvas in a tornado DDT! Scrambling across the mat, she tags in Valentine!
Del Ramos: Let’s see what you got, Fauntleroy!
Hiro Suzuki: Bet Jerky’s taking stalk of his decisions now.
Del Ramos: I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF A PONCY SITUATION, JACKASS! DO NOT MAKE THIS WORSE!
Hiro Suzuki: Ah, sounds like you want the plant puns to go hosta la vista!
Roy steps into the ring as Mara recovers on the apron, his smile absolutely venomous, contempt in his eyes as he watches their opponent slowly become vertical again. As he does, Valentine ascends to the second turnbuckle, coming in like a falling star to send Biff right back down to the mat with his Weight of the Empire leaping double axe handle! Not satisfied to just take the pin, however, Roy paces around his dazed enemy, eyes never leaving him even as he begins groggily to stir. Valentine spares a glance at Brawn who gapes at the scene from his corner, and smirks as he steps up to Jerky, grabbing him by his hair to drag him all the way to his feet. Biff grimaces and finds himself on the receiving end of a scornful, almost lazy slap to the face from Valentine, before the floral magnate hits him with his Red Crown finisher! Roy goes for the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Kevin Kim: Your winners, the team of MARA LANG and ROY VALENTINE!
Mara joins Roy in the ring, giving him an appreciative nod which he returns with a tidy bow and a flourish of one hand. They have their hands raised to a decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd.
Artemis looks as if she’s smelled something foul.
Artemis Direction: Hmph. I’ve little doubt we’ll see those two again.
Hiro’s brow knits in worry.
Hiro Suzuki: You really think so?
Del Ramos: Finding a compatible tag partner can be like finding a unicorn. When you get somebody you gel with, you hang onto that.
Artemis Direction: Speaking of competitors on the roster that give you night terrors, Hiro, darling, our Underworld Champion, the Lab Rat King, has some words for another unholy terror on Ascended’s payroll! Let’s go to the video!
A flickering fluorescent bulb illuminates the interior of a walk-in refrigeration room in an unsteady pulse; the light is almost as cold as the air, a cold fog radiating from the steel fixtures and ice-crusted shelves. The storage is packed with boxes and vacuum-sealed bags full of raw meat and fish, their sightless dead eyes staring upward, long-robbed of the ability to reflect the rhythmless, fluorescent stutter. The sound of shifting chains draws attention to the heavy sides of pork hanging from hooks, suspended from a rail down the center of the unit. At the back where the rail ends, there is one heart that still beats inside its cage, and one set of eyes that burn amid the encroaching cold.
The Lab Rat King sits on top of a sealed crate, a length of chain wrapped around his broad, calloused hand. He seems utterly unperturbed by the cold; his bruised and discoloured skin doesn’t so much as raise a hair in response, devoid of shivers or tension. The mutant gives the impression of being a bonfire inside a box freezer, emanating heat as much as he does violence and barely-contained bloodlust. His breath is deep and steady, cocking his muzzled head, a carnivore contemplating the meals dangling before him–though his line of sight moves past the meat to rest on those of the Army, and those of his next… adversary.
“We are a lock that needs undoing.”
As always, the monster’s voice is ragged, the claws of long-passed assaults having left their marks on his throat and lungs.
“Weren’t those your well-plucked words, Paranoid Prophet? You seek to strike what stands in our shadow; your slavering jaw hungers to hurt what lies beyond the iron bars of my body. How… ambitious, oh hhhhhateful haruspex. What entrails have you divined to determine that our tales and our TAILS must be so entwined? Do you truly wish to risk tangling yourself into such a voracious RRRRRAT KING, ready to snap at its own flanks to carve out such a cancerous conspirator?”
He grins; even under the muzzle, it’s clear. It’s hungry. It’s malicious.
“Be verrrrrry careful what familiars of ours you threaten, Prophet. You warn us against struggling–but you neglect to note that we are LONG FINISHED with such wriggling, such writhing.”
His eyes come to rest on the Underworld Belt, which is hanging from one of the meat hooks before him. The eyes of the Army glance over its gleaming obsidian accents briefly before returning to the beast.
“We have ASCENDED this mountain of corpses already. We no longer have any need to draw tooth and claw to escape any snapping and seething maw, any fearsome fire; we ARE the roiling Hell that the REST MUST RUN FROM, including you, COLLARED DOG.”
He shakes the chain wrapped around his hand, rattling the rail above, making the frozen stock sway.
“So long as you serve another–no matter what power you claim they use to make us cower–you are nothing but a nuisance to us. We will NEVER allow such a thoughtless thrall to step past the barricade of our bones in search of fresher meat. You are a STARVING MUTT, and you will remain unfed so long as the sustenance you seek–doubtless a diviner like you, who would be Hellbent to be rid of your seeking eyes– remains inside the coffer of our ribs. And should you stay your course… we will make sure to see through to the HEART of you before you manage a single staggering step past us… even if we must rend the flesh from every one of your bones first."
The Lab Rat King stands to his full height–nearly scraping the ceiling of the frozen container–and pulls sharply on the chain, causing the hanging hocks of pig meat to glide toward him. With a snarl he buries his printless fingers into the cold flesh, gripping bones, and tears the flank apart with a sickening, calcified CRUNCH that turns the stomachs of the weak. The lower hunk of meat falls to the freezer floor as he steps forward, grabbing his hanging belt and resting the cold metal to his shoulder with a low growl.
"We will do so joyously; we will enjoy teaching you to regret.”
His amber eyes are alight with an immeasurable rage; within him, the wolf is ready and waiting to protect his pack.
“This is your ONLY warning. Prophet.”
The feed cuts back to the announcer’s table where Del is sighing contentedly.
Del Ramos: Leave it to King to put a smile on my face. We could’ve seen this match at the PPV, but it looks like we might have Frater and King mixing it up after all!
Artemis Direction: Goodness me! Frater’s one of the only competitors on the roster able to match LRK in size and ferocity!
Hiro Suzuki: Would there be anything left of the ring after a match like that!
Del rumbles thoughtfully.
Del Ramos: The way he was talking… like Perdurabo had threatened somebody close to him.
Hiro Suzuki: What did he say again? “...a diviner like you, who would be Hellbent...” Is he talking about Leon?
Artemis Direction: Now what does that beast want with my dear child?
Del Ramos: I don’t know, but if he thinks he’s going to get to the champ that easy, he’s got another thing coming. Not only does LRK stand in his way, apparently, but don’t forget Mia Rayne. She showed some serious animosity toward Perdurabo at the PPV, specifically targeting him at the beginning.
Artemis Direction: Somehow I get the feeling Rayne isn’t one to just let things go. And Frater may very well be mistaken if he thinks she’s going to be done with him after one match.
Hiro Suzuki: They’re kind of an odd couple. Both of them are unhinged, but in completely different ways. I’m pretty sure Frater’s forgotten how to laugh, and it feels like most of the time, Mia can’t stop!
Artemis Direction: They contrast in tone almost as much as the fighters in our next match contrast in physique!
Del Ramos: SKUP9 and Hawke are both young, ambitious, and aren’t afraid to get a little bloody or mean when the situation calls for it. You know they’re gonna tear it up tonight.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Already in the ring with me are the team of Hot Dropkick and Brick Hardcheese, TEAM HOT CHEEZ DIP!
Del Ramos: Didn’t King fucking drown the emo kid?
Artemis Direction: Ernest and Dante are miracle workers!
Kevin Kim: And now introducing their opponents!
The house lights suddenly snuff out, leaving the arena completely dark. The speakers blare to life.
Escobar’s season has returned.
The violin intro to ”Hate Me Now” by Nas ft. Puff Daddy pumps through the stadium.
“It’s been a long time, been a long time comin’
It’s life or death for me now
But you know, there’s no turning back now
This is what makes me, this is what I am
Feel me
Let’s go”
It’s life or death for me now
But you know, there’s no turning back now
This is what makes me, this is what I am
Feel me
Let’s go”
The chorus kicks in and a spotlight appears from behind the entrance, creating the large, looming silhouette of the man in front of it. The lights come up and he raises his arms in the air.
Kevin Kim: On his way to the ring from Grand Junction, Colorado, weighing in at 369 pounds… he is ‘The Eliminator’–SKUP9!
As he stalks down the ramp, The Eliminator beats a fist against his chest, and points a finger at a group of fans pumping their fists in the air and chanting along with the music.
Artemis Direction: SKUP9 has had a remarkable run here at Ascended.
Del Ramos: He had an intense showing at the Bash. Not to disparage your drag parenting skills, but your kid might’ve gotten lucky.
Artemis Direction: Little doubt we’ll see a rematch in the future.
Kevin Kim: And his partner!
High tempo, up-beat rock music suddenly fills the Colosseum and the entrance stage is bathed in flat blue lighting, punctuated by high frequency white strobes, timed to synch up to the beat, as The Near Future VII. Time to Fly by I Fight Dragons begins to play.
Kevin Kim: Now coming to the ring, from Las Vegas, Nevada, he is your reigning Ascended Wrestling Emerald City Champion, SEBASTIAN HAWKE!
Artemis Direction: What a match our Emerald City Champ had against Valentine!
Hiro Suzuki: It was our very first time-out at Ascended! I guess you could say Valentine was a late bloomer!
Del glowers at Hiro, but glances him up and down appraisingly.
Del Ramos: …You know, I hear bone meal is really good at keeping deer out of gardens… Maybe I could convince Valentine…
Artemis Direction: Whether it’s from whatever Lang did to him, a natural inclination toward toughness, or a combination of the two, Hawke showed us he has the kind of endurance and ingenuity needed to succeed as champion.
Feeling the energy from his music, belt strapped around his waist, Sebastian Hawke bounces out onto the stage and waves to the numerous fans happy to see him. Beaming, Sebastian runs down the ramp to the ring and slides in posing for the crowd!
SKUP9 and Hawke make eye contact, sharing a nod and a fist bump. Hawke puts himself on the outside of the ropes handing his belt off to the referee, and his much larger tag partner turns to face Brick Hardcheese in the ring.
DING! DING!
SKUP9 seems to hit the ground running, exuding a sense of renewed vigor in the new year. He meets Hardcheese in the middle, and the two begin trading grapples, testing the limits of each others’ strength. It’s SKUP9 who gains the advantage, though, overpowering Brick, kicking out one of his legs and catching him in a swift and decisive scoop slam! Hardcheese attempts to get himself clear by rolling into the neutral corner, but before he can get up, SKUP9 catches up and grinds his boot into Brick’s head and neck, pinning him under the turnbuckles!
Hiro Suzuki: Well! SKUP9 showing us he hasn’t missed a step!
The ref skids over along the ropes, starting a warning count!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR–
SKUP9 releases Hardcheese just before the five-count, pacing back toward the center of the ring, still bursting with energy as Hardcheese climbs to his feet with a hand on his neck. Not giving up just yet, he attempts a surprise lariat on SKUP9, knocking him down hard on his shoulders!
The commentators look stunned.
Del Ramos: Ha! Getting some desperation from Hardcheese. I get the feeling that might have been one of the biggest shots in his arsenal, but I don’t think it’s gonna keep the Eliminator down.
SKUP9 is only grounded for a moment though, rolling backward into the ropes with a grunt of pain, and as he climbs to his feet he slingshots his body weight forward and meets Hardcheese where he lives with a grab and lift that he smoothly transitions into his Expulsion!
The commentators all let out sounds of astonishment.
Hiro Suzuki: SKUP9 is not letting off the gas for even a second!
Bruised and breaking Brick barely makes the crawl back to his corner to tag out to Dropkick. Meanwhile, Sebastian Hawke makes a tag in with a high-five to SKUP9, but rather than rushing right in, he climbs the turnbuckles–and SKUP9’s shoulders–just as Hot Dropkick is making his first offense–
Artemis Direction: Now what to you suppose he means to do from up there?
–and Hawke makes his namesake proud with a boosted leap from atop his tag partner’s massive frame, landing an absolutely insane corkscrew DDT!
Del Ramos: Tell gravity to fuck off, apparently.
Dropkick is thoroughly stunned, already on the canvas and clutching the back of his head. Hardcheese, expression full of alarm, tries to reach back in for a tag–but he catches SKUP9’s eyes on him across the ring and, deciding he doesn’t feel like learning what taking the Abolition feels like, withdraws his hand.
Hiro Suzuki: Say, what do you call cattle that don’t have any courage?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, darling, what?
Hiro Suzuki: Cowards!
In the ring, Hawke pulls the prone Hot Dropkick into his punishing Break Point! Dropkick begins kicking at Hawke’s legs, trying and nearly succeeding to take out his vertical base to get free–but the second Sebastian is forced to move one foot, he pivots the move around and twists Dropkick up into the spine-wrenching SNAP!
Del crows with bloodthirsty glee!
Del Ramos: THAT’S IT! DRINK THE PAIN!
Hot Dropick begins frantically tapping out!!
DING! DING! DING!
Kevin Kim: The winner of this match–the team of SKUP9 and SEBASTIAN HAWKE!
Hawke releases Dropkick who goes limp, coughing weakly and spitting out what looks like a barnacle.
SKUP9 joins his tag partner in the ring, grinning. The pair seem to be thriving on a forward momentum. He hoists Hawke up onto his shoulders and pumps a fist, spurring a roaring cheer from the crowd!
Artemis Direction: Now that is some impressive teamwork!
Hiro Suzuki: They definitely played off each other’s strengths to make the most of their partnership.
Del Ramos: That’s the best way to go about it. You don’t get upset because you or your partner can’t do something you might want to for whatever reason. You figure out what you can do and you sharpen that to a razor’s edge.
Artemis Direction: Exactly, darling. You fight the war with the army you have, not the army you wish you had.
Hiro Suzuki: We still have tag titles that need to be awarded. Maybe we’ll see them around the waists of one of the teams we saw tonight!
Artemis Direction: Certainly an exciting possibility, sweetness. Speaking of, one has to wonder how long it may be until one of our competitors in our main event finally wins gold.
Del Ramos: O’Toole, you mean?
Artemis nods.
Artemis Direction: He’s had a series of ups and downs working with Ascended, however I’d argue he shows the kind of tenacity and intensity that you need in a champion.
Del Ramos: Maybe, but don’t overlook Logan, either. She may have just started out, but there’s a fire in that broad. I feel sorry for anyone stupid enough to get in her way.
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, your main event for tonight is scheduled for one fall!
The dramatic sting of “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” kicks in, the lights around the big screen pulse green and gold in time with the beat. The screen shows an overhead view of an industrial district, hanging in mid-air for a moment before diving down to the alleys below to show gritty images of hands being taped up, quick footwork of fighters wearing work boots instead of ring boots, and blood spattering against brick walls.
Kevin Kim: Introducing first—from Astoria, Oregon, weighing in at 190 pounds, the Sidewinder, DAVID O’TOOLE!
Del Ramos: Lemme just say, it’s pretty fucking metal this dude is coming into the ring so soon after he put himself through a goddamn table.
Dressed in plain black ring pants without design or decor, black ring boots, and an army green hoodie, David O’Toole steps out of the entrance, pausing for a moment at the top of the ramp before making his way down, his steps purposeful. He slips between the ropes, pulls off his hoodie to toss it aside, and keeps light on his feet in his corner of the ring.
Kevin Kim: And his opponent!
Jinjer's "Just Another" blasts onto the PA, accompanied by strobe lights that pulsate to the beat of the intro.
Just another bruise earned
One more lesson learned
Just another kick from behind
Just another punch in the eye
Another broken tooth
Against the bitter truth
Over and over again
I say: "No pain, no gain"
Kevin Kim: From Boston, Massachusetts, weighing in at 143 pounds, ANNIE LOGAN!
Just as the first verse kicks in, Annie Logan tears through the curtain. She ricochets from one side of the stage to the other while making a point to stop and will the crowd to get into the upcoming match - and behind her - with inaudible calls to action mixed with physical signaling and a handful of horns being thrown up. After a few back-and-forths, Annie takes to the ramp with her attention locked on the ring.
Del Ramos: I been waiting to see Logan in action again. She’s got the style and the brutality down.
Once at ringside, Annie slides herself under the bottom rope facing the ramp, hops to her feet, then heads to the ropes closest to the camera, then gets her feet on the second rope and uses the top rope to brace her. Again, she yells out a few words to the audience that go missing to the fans at home under the music. She eventually hops down and takes to a corner while "Just Another" is cut.
O’Toole comes towards the center of the ring, and he extends a fist to Logan—she cracks a cocky smirk, and returns the bump.
Artemis Direction: Our opponents showing some fine sportsmanship!
DING! DING!
The two circle each other, testing each other’s reactions—O’Toole drawn in like a boxer, Logan’s stance much wider—David bites first, and as he comes in Annie explodes forward and catches him with a rising clothesline! He hits the canvas hard, but rolls out of the way and quickly hops to his feet. Annie manages to get vertical in an almost synchronized fashion with David, but doesn’t allow for any breathing room. She closes the short gap between them and starts hauling off with big shots to David’s head and ribs. While unanswered at first, David tries to plant some strategic blocks in while throwing in some shots of his own. It’s a chaotic mess that’s one half wild flurries and one half learned science.
If Del’s rictus grin was any indication, the match was going just how they wanted it to.
Del Ramos: COME ON YOU SCRAPPY FUCKS! TEAR EACH OTHER APART!
Annie throws a wide blow which misses David, but gives him the opportunity to snatch and lock on Tinker’s Ratchet! The pair hit the mat near simultaneously and the referee starts checking in to see if Annie wants to call it quits; her answer is inaudible, but it’s clear by the shake of her head she’s not ready to tap.
Hiro Suzuki: That Tinker’s Ratchet looks unbearable! Though it does remind me I need to drop by the hardware store to pick up some new tools. Somebody broke into my tool shed and took everything! Even my limbo stick! I mean, how low can you go?
Del Ramos: Liability for on the job injury is only gonna deter me for so long, Suzuki. One of these days I’m gonna figure out a way to make your murder somehow profit the company and when I do, you are gonna regret bringing up tools as often as you have. I got plans, Suzuki. They involve claw hammers and plaster strips.
Hiro Suzuki: What are the plaster strips for?
Del Ramos: If I get to murder you, I get first crack at your death mask. Gonna make me an ashtray.
She gathers all of her strength and uses her free limbs to try and get to the ropes. Eventually, she’s able to get a foot on the bottom rope but David isn’t ready to release yet. The referee begins the five count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
It’s not clear if David lets go or Annie is able to wiggle out but regardless of how, Annie is free. She manages to slide forward in the direction of the floor, David tries to latch on where he can to keep her from escaping, but before he can catch her she’s out under the bottom rope for the ten-count breather. David hops to his feet and shifts back on his heels with a sigh more dramatic than truly exasperated. He follows her around the ropes, and waves for her to get back up into the ring. Annie smirks, still strolling around outside, then she puts her arms out, and the mics barely catch her calling, “Come and get me, kid!”
Del Ramos: Oh ho ho… Logan might come to regret that request.
Artemis Direction: I never would have pegged Davie as being such a brutal competitor, but his matches with King don’t lie. He definitely has a violent streak in him.
They jaw back and forth, trading smack talk—until from nowhere David shoots himself between the ropes and tackles Logan on the floor! David’s fall is broken by Annie’s body colliding with the barricade. The ten count from the referee has begun!
Del laughs, eyes burning like embers.
Del Ramos: Careful what you wish for!
ONE!
TWO!
Annie is slow to get up, which gives David the opening to drag her to her feet, then send her back to the floor with a snapmare that leaves her seated. Knowing the window of opportunity won’t be open long, David sprints to the corner of the barricade and then back at Annie with a tremendous running knee. The referee’s count continues.
FIVE!
SIX!
Hiro Suzuki: If they’re not careful, they may get a count out!
David rolls into the ring and then back out in order to break the count but as he crosses back over to the apron, Annie has a surge of life that sees her get to her feet. David’s met with a frenzy of forearms to the back of the head and neck! Using her own window of opportunity, Annie does her best to hold David in place while she climbs onto the apron. She lifts him to his feet, hooks him for an ura nage, and drives David to the floor! With an air of satisfaction, Annie works quickly to get upright, snatch David, and roll him into the ring.
Del Ramos: Logan looking to turn this thing around! MAKE HIS ENTRAILS HIS EXTRAILS, ANNIE!
Upon getting back into the ring, Davie seems to find some hidden reserve within, climbing to his feet with surprising speed! Undaunted, Annie begins going at him with knees, elbows, and forearms, driving him backward as he attempts to defend himself! Finally, his back colliding with the turnbuckle, Davie swings his elbow up hard in a swift arc in an effort to stun Annie, but she grabs his arm, catching him off-guard! She uses the grip to force Davie up onto the turnbuckle behind him, grappling his head down and pulling his lower body up into a dangerously high vertical suplex--
Artemis Direction: Oh my--
-- and leans back to bring Davie crashing down into the canvas in a Super Irish Wake!!
Del Ramos: UNHOLY FUCK YES!
Annie drags herself over the thoroughly stunned and lanky body of her opponent, hooking one long leg!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING!
Kevin Kim: Ascended Army, your winner, ANNIE LOGAN!
Annie’s arm is raised in victory, but she quickly turns back to her opponent who is just getting to his feet. As he rises, she smirks and offers a fist. Still dizzy, he glances at it, then back up at her, before nodding with his own grin and giving her a bump to the enthusiastic cheers of the Ascended Army!
Artemis Direction: What a show!
Hiro Suzuki: Think we’ll see any of these teams again?
Artemis Direction: It could be, sweetness! Time will tell.
Hiro Suzuki: Say, what do you call a dog that knows the time?
Artemis Direction: I don’t know, dear heart, what?
Hiro Suzuki: A watch dog!
Del Ramos: Alright, that’s it, now I’m gonna have to clean your clock.
Artemis Direction: Thank you for joining us tonight, Ascended Army! Join us next time on Collision!
Credits:
Local Rat Man Delivers Threat from the Fridge - Zen
SKUP9 & Sebastian Hawke vs. Team Hot Cheez Dip - Zen
Annie Logan vs. David O’Toole - g, Bill, Ampersand
Everything else - Ampersand